I have been having a hard time lately. For as long as I could remember I have veiwed myself as a male. Literally for as long as I could remember. I remember my mom pushing me to be a girl and where dresses and play with dolls but I didn't understand..... I didn't know why I had to be a girl. Later around 15-16 I came out as a lesbian. I felt a million times better. My mom wasn't accepting at first but she finally came around. She accepts and loves my fiance more than I ever thought possible! She hated her during highschool lol she thought shes the reason Im gay. She has come a long way in the past 7 years. I should be happy. I should be living my happily ever after. I haven't been. Its not my fiance I know its me. I know im not who I see in the mirror.... im not supposed to have breast or a vagina. I should be taller, I should have a squared jaw and facial hair and bigger hands and feet, I want a mans body.. I feel like I should be a man...... At the same time.... I don't think I can. I am terrified.... what if I still dont like the way I look? What if I still feel this way? What if the testosterone changes my personality? What if I lose everything? I am just terrified..... I am terrified of thinking about this. It always seemed like a forbidden zone to enter. Even in my own mind. For the past year or so its all I could think of though..... looking in the mirror is hard on me... I finally talked to my fiance last night about it and shes amazing. Shes helping me a lot and I couldn't even think about this without her support. I just need to vent. I need to talk about it with people who know and have been there.... im just lost...
I have heard there are counselors that deal with these issues and help you figure out what you want to do. You will always be you inside so make your outside however you feel best. Much love.
you are very lucky because you have her with you, and you should be happy you see, sometimes, it's actually what others make you feel like that counts, and not what you physically are.. if your girl makes you feel like a real man, then that's already great i don't know what you're confused about, if you wanna have a surgery, take pills or something.. but consider this, do you think it will satisfy you? do you think it will make you any better? how about your girl? she liked you as you are.. do you think she really needs you to be "taller... have a squared jaw and facial hair and bigger hands and feet"? i think you're already man enough for her even though i'm a gay man, i don't know exactly how you feel because i never got that feeling, that i wanna be a woman.. on the other hand though, some people chose to be transgenders, and i support them if that's what makes them happy and complete, they are brave people.. after all, it's all up to you, you know yourself more than anyone.. whatever choice you make, i wish you'll be happy
do whatever you think will make you happy dont think about anyone else. it will be all okay in the end
@ Pine, I know I plan to see a counseled as soon as possible. Money is a bit tight and my insurance is ridiculous. It is definitely on my list though. I am just doing what I can for myself right now though. Thank you for the words of encouragement and love. It means alot. @Melvin, I am very lucky I do know that. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in life. The only thing is that I can't love myself enough to be happy. I know with my heart and soul she is the one for me but I need the me to be someone I love too. She will love me no matter what I looked like. I can see it every day and she shows me every day. She makes me feel like the man I want to be in an emotional level. She makes me feel handsome and attractive and that helps me exponentially. However, even she can't break the depression and darkness that sets in me when I look in the mirror and can't connect to myself. I love how positive you are though, and I will keep what you said in mind. Thank you so much =) @Kai397 thank you I am slowly but surely working on the guts to do that one set at a time. I'm just terrified. I have quite a bit I love about my life that could disappear. I do think it will work out on the end though, I do have hope. Just worried is all.
