A little history to maybe explain some things. When I was 14, I knew I was a girl, and it caused me a lot of stress. I didn't know anything about identity or gender dysphoria, I just felt like a freak. Looking back, my mind was a wasteland of toxic thoughts. Six months after realizing, I tried to kill myself. I didn't say why in my suicide note, just some bullshit about pressures in school or something, which was plausible because I was the target of bullying since the first years of my education. Over the next two years, I tried some therapists. I told my last one about why, but she called me a liar and threatened to out me to my dad if I didn't out myself. She knew he was an abusive force. I never went back to another therapy session, and I can't bring myself to trust the system anymore... I can't take that chance again. About a year and a half ago, after a long time of repression, it came back up and I realized I couldn't push it down any longer. About six months ago, I started coming out to my online friends and switched my online presence. My dad found out early on (and now I know he snoops and mostly where). He didn't say anything but I noticed an increase in his abusive behavior that had lessened over the years. Three months ago, my mom confronted me about why I was "being so weird" because I'd been increasingly reclusive. She forced my hand and I told her. She's trying to accept me but it's hard for her. Realizing I have to be in control of that information, two weeks later I told my dad. We had a long argument where I cried a lot and he yelled a lot but the summary of it is that he thinks I need to earn the right to use my name and be considered a woman and as far as he's concerned, I'm still his little boy. I know this from history this is a tactic he uses to keep control. Yes, I'm 25 and I'm very embarrassed that I'm still dependent on my folks. I have crippling anxiety and depression and (lately) dysphoria and often it's hard to just leave my room. Okay. Now that's all out of the way. Before talking to my dad, I was pretty secure in my identity. Now, though... I've internalized the idea that I need to earn my gender. Logically, I know that's a toxic, harmful idea and that my gender is not tied to my presentation. Of course my asshole brain doesn't really give a shit about that. I can't afford to even begin to present and I don't feel safe even starting that in my home. My mom is the only woman in my life that I could even talk to about this but I've put an incredible amount of pressure on her with this. She's tried a little but not that much and I don't want to scare her off by talking about it, so I don't. My dad is as abusive as he was in the months leading to my suicide and seems to pointedly misgender me. He uses the full version of my boy name when he never did before, and his new nickname for me is "mister man," and it's just so petty and I feel so powerless. Maybe part of it is just me being more sensitive to it but... it really hurts. What am I looking for in this thread? I don't know. Maybe this is just me venting in public—the idea that I'm talking to someone without burdening any specific person with my bitching. I've been so extremely closed up lately that I just feel entirely isolated in my offline life. I'm just... I'm stuck. :help:
I feel for you, I really do. I'm starting to understand anxiety--not from having it myself but dealing with others who do have it--and I've realized that anxiety is a very illogical mental state and that's why it's so hard. You know something is true or false, you have absolute proof about it, but anxiety keeps saying the contrary. That doesn't mean it's right, though. You are a woman and you do not need to prove it to anybody. I also feel for you because some of the stuff your dad said sounds like something mine would say too if he knew. If you ever wanna talk about literally anything, I'm available and on this forum way too much.
Many people now say being tg is biological. Theory has it it has to do with brain development before birth. So its neither your nor their fault. This is a brochure for the british national health service, a very reputable source : http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf They talk of it having biological causes. meaning its not just a whim ... (What I do not like is on page 7 talking about stress... many experience relief...) You should see a gender therapist. A therapist who has gender on their list. You could even say at home you want some counseling, picking someone with gender on their list. They could help you with anxiety and guide you through the process. Here is how to find a suitable therapist (the style is a bit rude): Choosing a gender therapist If that seems too much for you, you could ask the next lgbt center near you for a referral (via phone/email). And in general, maybe this resources help, too: GLBT National Help Center Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860 - Transgender Hotline ( if you have a mobile using it would be preferrable ) (*hug*)
I think of it like a faulty alarm system. I know it's screaming at me, and I know it's wrong, but it's still going off and I can't stop my body from listening to it, and I can't stop listening to my body. If that makes any sense... I hope it does. This is my immediate goal but... I feel really bad saying this because I know it's just a mental barrier and I should be able to overcome it. When anxiety says "no" to a thing, it's very hard to do it. Not impossible, but I tend to pay for it with panic attacks and similar. Paired with my past experience with therapy, well... It's a very very tall wall and I can't see the top. Thank you for the resources, however. I'm going to try something. It's all I can do right now anyways.
Well the therapists you had were probably not gender therapists... this is really a difference, they should be able to help you much better, they have experience in that matter http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/151930-gender-therapist-help.html You should skip answer #4, it might be a trigger... (*hug*)
No, that's.... That's not a half dumb analogy. It works. My fiancée usually just wants you to listen and to hug her when she gets anxiety as I've realized you can't talk a person out of an anxiety induced panic attack. Because it is an illogical mental state, you can't reason about it with logic. I kinda get it as I have performance anxiety. Like at the moment I'm getting a driver's license and I'm really nervous about it, but then everytime I'm tested, I basically ace it. Or when I'm about to play a competetive multiplayer game, I get severe performance anxiety. I get so nervous I'll finish in last place that I often start to shake, then I actually play and consistently score high. It's weird how it works.
Are there any local LGBT+ centres you can visit? If so, they could give you advice about therapists and might even be able to recommend places to see that won't be biased. Furthermore, it may be a safe environment for you to meet people who will be understanding. If you have any close friends or family who you can talk to about the situation with your family and who know/would definitely be accepting of your gender, talk to them. They may be able to offer you support and perhaps let you stay with them if you feel unsafe. Even if there's no physical threats in your home, the effects your father is having on your mental wellbeing are doing you no good - you can decide if you can withstand it or not. If you decide moving out is what you want to do then make sure you'll be financially secure in a new place and have a backup in case things go wrong. That said, I understand this may all be overwhelming with your anxiety. I've had problems with it and something I've learned is that over time you just pick up skills that reduce it. When you get anxious about something, try taking a breath and rationally think about the situation you're in that's made you anxious: if you try and thing rationally it can help you see that the thing itself doesn't require you to be anxious; that you don't have to be anxious. I hope that makes sense - if not, I'm happy to elaborate. Sometimes we have to face things regardless of how we feel, but again, I don't want to recommend doing something that could have an adverse effect on you.
I don't know if this will help. If it doesn't, don't hesitate to throw it away. It is just what works for me. But in my opinion, cis people have to "earn" their gender too. It's called growing up. I am doing that all over again. Cis people don't start out getting to be men and women, they start out boys and girls. And from what I am hearing, your dad hasn't quite earned the right to be called a man yet. The kind of "earning" he is talking about is never worth it imo. It is a game you can't win. If you try to appease him, he will see you as weak for that reason alone. If you don't, he may respect you more, but just a guess, his ability to see you as a woman and respect you may be one or the other. If you are capable of thinking of him as a lost cause, and just focus on earning your own respect and being the woman you know you are, though, people eventually can't help but see that. I know it sounds weird, but I think if you give up on earning both his approval and acceptance, that may be your best shot at both. (*Hug*) I am an abuse survivor too. I stepped down as an adviser here because I have a ton going on in my life and take forever to get back to people, so if that happens I am totally not ignoring you. But if you ever need to talk hit me up with a wall post?
I don't know if I can relate, or if this will help. When I first saw the title about "earning" my gender, all I could think of was that I did nothing to earn this gender of mine. I was born this way... all my flaws, internal, external, real, and imagined. all my positives and abilities too. All my kindness, and caring. I've got certain physical attributes, but my penis does not define who I am. You were born the way you are. There is a mismatch between what you are and the physical expression. Not in who you are. You made it out of the womb, and are alive today. You are human. You have just as much right to be yourself as anyone else. There's no club dues, no rights of passage, we are who we are along the whole spectrum of humanity simply by being born.
I'm here with the nuclear option if it is truly necessary. I will try to address the problems that you've stated and do my best to give proper advice, I guarantee nothing- I'm every bit as inexperienced as you. Probably more so... Moving on. With regards to the verbal abuse there are a number of options, I will be the first to admit they are not good ones but, you wanted advice. The most extreme options are the first that come to mind. You know, things like pepper spray and moving out, but I will go out on a limb and assume that that is out of the question. Given that you are already out-ish and catching a lot of flak for it, I would say that your best bet would be to run back into the closet and bolt it shut until you move out- assuming that's the plan, everyone has a plan, don't know yours. Moving with this course of action you could claim that it was a phase and try to "move on" while still dressing and expressing on the side. With regards to expressing online, I recommend setting up a new online identity and leaving no trace on the computer- use private browsing, incognito, whatever you must- nothing must remain of the new identity, send private messages to your friends and contacts that you care to keep telling them where to find you. With regards to dressing, it seems obvious to me- correct me if I'm wrong- that if he is snooping around online and finding you, he is probably not above tossing your own private spaces for contraband. If you have any such items you want to keep- assuming they have not already been tossed, misplaced or otherwise removed- you will want to hide them, normal places would include suit bags, inside a mattress if you can sew, spare bookbags, backpacks, luggage, etc. that may be present, even a shampoo bottle if the dimensions line up. Again, no evidence. With regards to the title issue, your feelings that you need to earn your way to yourself, I would say that the only person that you need to validate yourself to is yourself- it feels cheesy even typing this but it is true, ask anyone here. That said, I do hold the unfortunate perspective that in most cases you need to keep the homeowner happy so that they don't decide that it's fun to keep your self-esteem down. Of course, over the course of this entire endeavor, you can always look forward to the re-coming out when you leave him behind and the look on his face when he realizes that you bested him at his own game- manipulation. If you control what he sees, you control what he thinks about you. If you appear to slowly fight your way out of this "phase" and come out the way he wants on the other side- appear to concede-, he will think he has won and that will be the end of your immediate troubles. That said you will only begin a self-esteem and identity war with yourself, for this there are many online resources that I cannot hope to summarize here for you. The fact of the matter is that there is no good way out of this. Any way you go, you will face hardship. Whether by his hand or your own, you will be uncomfortable to say the least. Unless you can convince him that this it who you are, have been and always shall be, things will get rough. That said, (I feel another cheesy quote coming on) someone said that the night is darkest just before the dawn and if you can weather the storm- endure everything the world can throw at you and come out again on the other side, it will be a victory for yourself, your identity and your future brighter than anything you can possibly imagine and you will live to see that day and then you will press on to days better and storms worse and you will look back on these days with pride at how well you handled being dealt a shit hand and playing it through. I'm truly sorry if this was offensive, triggering or depressing but, it is one thing to offer kind words- and that is certainly a huge part of it- but at times you need a practical solution, and that is what I have tried to provide. If you ever want to talk, I am here- truth be told not entirely dissimilar from you, isolated offline, and more than anything- stuck for the foreseeable future. -With love, respect and the very best of wishes, Tamara.
Thanks for the replies folks. It's a lot to digest. I don't know! I honestly haven't looked, and I take the blame for that. I'm technically enrolled at the community college and from what I've hear they have a very solid queer support system, but I'm not taking classes right now and I don't think I can use their services from school policy. I don't know, it might be worth asking them over email or something. As for safe spaces, I've got a friend about three hours away that supports me and I've got two keys to his place, one hidden well, and no one here knows I've got them. My family has a large clan friends very close by to that I think I could trust if I had to, but some of their family members don't like me... best not to use them if I don't have to. Then plan is to move out as soon as I can but the market here is absolutely abysmal, probably with the safe friend. When you put it in that context. I don't feel like I'm much more than a scared girl... which is pretty apt since that's where I left myself. I'm okay with that though. This helped. Part of the reason the abuse is hard because while I see a lot of it, some of it I didn't see until years later after I've internalized the harmful effects. Hell, I want to give him a chance. Maybe that's just naive of me. I have a complicated relationship with him. I know I didn't earn it in that context. It's a confusing experience, because who I am right now and who I want to be are really close. They're the same person almost all of the time, just one is seen as a boy and one is seen as a girl. Part of the frustration I have when dysphoria sets in hard is that it's kind of a subtle thing, but it's a very important and profound feeling. A lot of the time it's "just wrong" and the ability to articulate what's wrong doesn't exist. I take every opportunity to put myself down in my internal monologue, so it's easy to take that in a multitude of negative ways. I should just get over it, I should be strong enough to fight it, it's not that bad and I'm being a whiny bitch, why can't I just go and fucking fix it. Stuff like that. With those kind of thoughts bombarding, it's really simple to see that I haven't earned it. Thank you for the exhaustive post, Tamara. It took a while to digest, to be honest, but that's perfectly fine. Right now, moving out is a definite goal but also a distant one unless fortunes and the job climate here changes rapidly and drastically. As I said before, I've got a safe space, ways to get there if I need to, and an open invitation. Aside from the spare key I've got well hidden (the area hasn't otherwise been touched in literally 15 years), there's nothing really I need to hide. Now that I know he's found my identity, I've monitored my activity, but the big harm is already done. I've got a private twitter I use and keep secure but even stuff in there isn't that bad. I don't have money or other precious possessions that I can't otherwise live without if they came to harm, let alone any clothes. My wardrobe is just plain tees and jeans and that's it. Again, nothing special that I can't replace or he'd get mad over. Personal validation is a tricky process when also wrestling with long-standing depression and anxiety. I'm not trying to wiggle out of the responsibility, just explain that it's been an extremely slow process and loss of said progress is frequent. I've often thought about retreating into a cis persona completely but I don't know if I could handle that. I'm not good at deception. You're right. There's no easy way out. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know where to push to break out, because everything looks equally daunting and all the barriers reinforce each other. You're good, nothing bad in your message.
