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Why did it just get so intense?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DarkWolf, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. DarkWolf

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    I know I make a lot of threads, and sorry for that but I just need to vent.

    Usually my dysphoria isn't too bad, I can still look in the mirror and get through the day. In fact I have had doubts that I was really trans because it wasn't that bad. But for whatever reason during my time of the month it gets a 1000x worse.

    This morning I just felt so desperate to put on my binder and I just felt this terrible sinking feeling when I looked at my breasts. I just been feeling depressed and wanting to curl up and cry. And the fear that I won't ever get to transition has been weighing over me. And this happened to me the previous I have had my time of my month, pretty much ever since I realized I was transgender. And even before I always just felt horrible around my time of the month.

    I know it's typical for people to become more emotional around their time of the month but it's not that I am getting mood swings, I just feel flat out depressed. And I hate it, because just as I am telling myself that I will figure things out in the next year or two mother nature comes swooping in with her devilish plan and make me feel this terrible loathing of my female body. I wish I could just rip off this female body to reveal the man beneath but several days later I will be asking myself if there was ever a man beneath.

    I have no idea how I am suppose to handle this every month and I am suppose to go to my therapist again soon with my mindset gone from confusion to feeling so dysphoric. I don't know if anyone experiences this too?
     
  2. Daydreamer1

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    It happens to me a lot. Some days I'm getting by without a problem to where I forget I'm trans and my dysphoria isn't there at all really, and if it is, I never notice it. Other times, it's crippling and leaves me tearing the house up to find my binder (or battle armor as I call it nowadays) and refuse to be seen without layers of clothing and I pretty much want to crawl under my bed and die.

    It's just something you figure out with eventually, but talking to a gender therapist can help you find coping mechanisms. I don't do it like I'm supposed to, but she gave me a list of stuff I could do if I feel an anxiety attack coming on; and that could be applied to dysphoria to help you cool down and distract yourself for a while until it comes down a bit. What are your interests? Video games and music do the trick for me.
     
  3. DarkWolf

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    Thank you, daydreamer.

    I did end up drawing last night to just get what's in my head out. But usually that, writing, reading, or video games is what I do to escape.

    On a related note I really wish people would stop mistaking me for a girl on social media though I haven't uploaded a different picture in a long time. Not only does it make me feel socially dysphoric but it's bringing too many creeps.