About three weeks ago, I first started suspecting I was trans. Whenever I have something significant (and sometimes not so significant) I tend to obsess over it until it is resolved. After three weeks of obsessing, researching, soul searching, blowing off friends, and missing school and work so I could figure this shit out I think I finally have. I was in the shower when it happened. I had been rationalizing and over analysing everything in my life for the past month, and was stumped. I couldn't decide either way. Finally, as I was taking my shower and my mind wasn't busy with the facts of the matter, I started exploring it emotionally for the first time. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was very obviously transgender. I basically had a breakdown in the shower, and felt a million times better afterwards. (Even though that menu I would have to deal with all the shit that comes with being trans) My question is this though; when I had this epiphany, it felt like a different person was there. Like all the objectivity and awkward repressed anxiety was part of this other person. A male person who I had finally pushed out. Now, there was this new confidant, optimistic, assertive girl; but I was this girl. I was this girl, and also this awkward repressed guy. Is that normal? To separate your old personality when you finally realise and come to terms with something like this? Just to clarify again, I assumed I would still feel like the same person just happier. I feel like a completely new person. (And wow, it does feel better!) Is this a common thing? Do other people do this? Does it mean anything?
I don't know about "common," but I had something like that happen to me. I was puzzling over a bad experience I'd had, wondering why it had felt so bad, when the realization hit that it, and so many other things, would make sense if I would just accept that I am a trans woman. I just finished watching some 17-year-old television: the Ellen two-part "Puppy Episode" in which Ellen comes out to herself and her friends. There's a moment when she's talking to her therapist (Oprah!) about realizing that she's gay, and she says, "I feel like this tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable with myself." That's what I've been feeling for the past 9 months, and it's amazing.
I can relate. When I first considered that my identity was not the "male" I'd been filling out on forms all my life, I set aside all the shit that would get in the way of me grappling with my personal issues and thought hard about it. I wrote down my feelings, which I should've done long ago but didn't. And once I had it written to myself in words, I felt like I understood myself better, and a large part of the confusion got axed right then and there. And after that point I was able to feel a sense of relief; I can tell you why. It's because for years prior to that moment, there were lots of times when I felt I was some sort of monster hiding underneath the skin of a male body, some kind of shadowy mass covered in eyes and jaws. Turns out I'm just a girl and not some kind of horror movie monster, and it feels great.
I went through almost this exact same expirience about a month ago. I started exploring these feelings with a Therapist. All of a sudden, one day it felt like the false male part of me just left. It felt as if somone had just died but I remember feeling a profound peace and happieness that I'd never known before. I was an emotional trainwrek in the days that followed but now things have settled out a bit. I feel comfortable with myself but now my biggest problem is that my body feels all wrong.
