Hello everyone! This is the first time I've been on a forum, I've observed a few while looking for answers and I think I can figure it out- the mechanics of forums that is. With regards to life as I know it, I have no idea what I am doing. Given that I have come here searching for general advice it seems prudent to give the full back story. Once upon a time (12 months ago), I had a nice, small group of friends that were honestly more than I could have asked for. It was the kind of thing where you wouldn't get up to hand them a water bottle but you would give them a kidney if they asked- but never admit it because you didn't need to. I had 5 such friends and a network of a dozen or so associates that anyone else might have called friends. I have since fallen out with every one of them. At first there was no effect, I had always thought of myself as a loner but after about 6-7 months the total lack of conversation is beginning to take its toll. I can't talk to anyone anymore. With regards to my family, I will tally it up for you- my father makes fun of transfolk if the topic ever comes up and regularly knocks people for stepping too far out of the gender norm and any statement or reaction stronger than a sarcastic statement is deemed "dramatic" and therefor has no place in civilized society- My mother is a nervous wreck and would probably never be calm again if I came out or told her anything of great importance to me. My older brother is rather similar to my father and tends to follow along when dear old dad tells a something-phobic joke. I never really see my sister and my half-brother has not talked to the family for almost two years after saying "Surprise! I'm getting married!" after around 5 years out of contact. If you are observant- or not brain dead- you may see that I am now left a little isolated- alright, maybe very isolated- and may be wondering "But Odd One, why don't you just poke around the college? I'm sure there is someone worthy of note..." I have tried the library, it is a reference library and as such has no one there for anything but studying and therefor will bite my head off if I disturb them. This may be a good time to say that I have a rather irritating hatred of double standards on virtually all levels of life. This is what led me to avoid disturbing people in the library- I would destroy anyone who broke my train of thought in a place dedicated to a continuing train of thought. Moving on, the people in my regular classes are generally either boring, insufferably annoying, too loud or some combination of these and other undesirable traits. The people in the classes relating to my certificate- and therefor the most likely to have regular contact with- will very rapidly go from "friends" and "helpful associates" to "competition" due to the limited number of jobs in the field. On top of these rather bleak social conditions, I find myself in a rather uncomfortable position with regards to gender and orientation. By this i mean the issues that this site was made to deal with. I am stuck living in a family of low general tolerance, going into a field of low general tolerance and I am presently facing an increasing desire to- shall we say, change things up a little. By things I mean my gender by the way. Oh yeah and by the way it is such that a lot of transfolk do not even deem people in my particular circumstances to be trans, just straight men. And the coming out as lesbian adds one more thing on top of the already rather crushing pile of anxieties I get to deal with. At present there is a plan regarding most of my major plans in life. The timeline should look something like this- Present or T+0 years: Working toward certificate, unemployed, presenting M.// +1.5 years: Begin working in field full time, still presenting M, begin saving for transition. // +2 years from now: Begin flight school on weekends.// +2.5 years: begin slowest possible HRT treatment.// +3.5 to 4 years: Move job to different facility in Washington, far from family, lose touch. Begin bush flying classes and possible start going F full time, depending on environment.// +5 to 6 years: Move to Bethel, Alaska with completely new name and that one little letter on official papers and, begin flying for a living with no one having any idea what I left behind. To clarify, yes, I have every intention of leaving my family and the industry I am studying to get into behind to basically live out of the back of a very small plane in a hostile environment. It may be worth mentioning that the industry I am working toward will get you to a 6-figure income in as many years. It should also be noted that the company that I may work for soon does extensive research on their employees and, given the rather unique problem set of mine, you may excuse my not saying what field it is I am going into. Unfortunately these challenges are not entirely pertinent to the main topics of this site but, given that they are all significantly magnified by the translesbian factor, this seemed to be the best place to start. Quick recap- Translesbian 18 year old aspiring specific-field engineer with no friends and a family of limited usefulness with intentions of leaving the lower 48 states to live under a different name as an air taxi pilot in Alaska. Let me know if you've heard that one before. For those that skip to the end, the problems- should you choose to address them are: 1) Trying to be alone without being so horribly lonely 2) Relationships- Should i search for an SO in college as I am or is it better to wait until I am further along the line to transitioning (Which will not even begin for another 2-4 years)? 3) Possible ways to ease family into the idea of me being trans, if it comes to that 4) Advice regarding acquisition of makeup and clothing items and how best to hide them whilst living with parents Please excuse the rant but some things just needed to be said. Please advise. Yes, this is a repost from the welcome section.
Well first hi and welcome As far as loneliness, well, that's one of the reasons I come here. I myself am part of our great tradition of trans women in computer engineering (we are between EEs and comp sci kids, doing vlsi, hardware and drivers, pre boot, etc). And I am just as gay as yourself. I have done a few jobs that require a security clearance too. I think you will find quite a few folks here are fun to talk to, about pretty much anything. By the way, I know gay the way you and I mean it kind of sucks in unique ways. Everyone here is cool, but I know there are parts of even our queer community where trans and lesbian isn't an okay thing to be. If you ever wanna talk, I am slow to get back to it, but my wall is there. So comining out. The key here is to be comfortabLe being you, and the easiest way to get that way is to be you around people. Total catch 22 right? Being trans, my dear sweet young lady, is full of those. But you are an engineer, so you know how to deal with "bootstrapping problems". If your discipline is in a different area, bootstrapping is how you solve "a depends on b depends on a" problems, and you solve them by making a bare bones A which does not depend on B. You have that advantage. You are using A right now. Most of the first people I came out to were online. Old friends four states away. It helped SO MUCH being able to have someone to talk to you have no idea. When you are ready to be you in front of other places, gay bars are wonderful for that. When I first started I did a lot of "underdressing", or wearing my clothes under my boy clothes. The reason why I am suggesting this path is because when you come out to people, they take their cues from you. You are obviously comfortable expressing yourself in writing. The only real trick is hitting send right? But when you are face to face you lose a lot of advantages. If you are self assured, you gain a lot of advantages too. You are comfortable, they are comfortable. Even if they seem like they would be hostile, if they can tell they will get nowhere, they are liable to realize this affects you more than them. And hostile people really are afraid of things like embarrassment, that is where it comes from. So if you are cool, they look around and everyone else is cool, then they are at ease. Hostility is very rare. Past that, I can't help much. They are your family. Except hugs and good luck (*hug*) Clothes and make up, there are some good threads for that, but the quick version, payless is awesome. If you have money, Lane Bryant is awesome, if not, target. People those places, customers and employees alike, will not bat an eyelash. If that is still a little gung ho, places like wal mart have self check out, so you do not even have to deal with a cashier. If you want to build up your shopper confidence while dressed up like a boy, try getting your ears pierced? Or if you are aadventurous, eyebrows threaded, it hurts but you will feel AMAZING after. And of course, you can get a PO box cheap and use Amazon, although I think you will find quickly women's clothes really have to fit better. I skipped relationships, because I can't help. I discovered the hard way, after a couple wonderful women, that I am not ready for one. I decided to wait. Plenty of us find love sooner. It is great to meet you I think you will find what you are looking for here. Apologies for typos, this was on my phone.
Thank you for the advice, Jess. It does mean a lot. I still have a few questions, though, if you have the time. Perhaps I should have put this in the post but, how do you get the initial confidence to go out dressed and know that you will not be found out? Because a lot of other sites just say that you can't but there are lots of people who don't pass and my only contention with that is that I have yet to see anyone like that. Maybe that is just NE Ohio but from a cursory observation, the trans community is remarkably well hidden- I presume- from anyone not part of the in-person community. With regards to piercings, I'm afraid that the nuclear industry is such that small bits of loose metal are generally discouraged, and please note that with that one word, I can now be found out by a careful observer. Face your fears/denounce your paranoia, right? About gay bars, I'm sure that's great but I am also 40 minutes from the nearest city with a gay bar and also I'm afraid that I may stick out. You know, being 18? That said, I do appreciate the advice. Thank you!
I know exactly where you are coming from with the family stuff... and the trans stuff. I don't have much advice to give you; I'm actually fairly new to all this stuff too, but just know your not alone in these things. Family is overrated anyways.
How much detailed thought have you given to which medical transition options you'll want to pursue in the long run? Even if you delay for a few years publicly presenting as a woman, your age is such that, if you're pretty sure that you'll eventually seek, say, HRT or facial-hair removal, you'd derive some benefit from not delaying getting started on those. Now, granted that I'm only 6 months in on both of those processes, but honestly I don't think anyone at work has noticed the changes yet. (And I'm absolutely sure that nobody at work is aware that I come to work in sports bra and knickers ) Of course, there are also good reasons not to rush into any of those things - cost, challenges in finding a cooperative medical provider, decisions about future fertility, etc. But given your age, there would be advantages if you could start sooner rather than later.
Wil- I have given thought to what I would like to do in the long run but have not yet decided on a defined plan. The general idea is to start HRT in about 2 and a half years and I would try to pursue the slowest treatment so as not to rush things along and make a potentially regrettable and either irreversible or abhorrently expensive mistake as well as to ease into the physical aspect- the last thing I want to happen in this part of the country is for someone to turn around one day and be like, "When did you grow breasts?" or "Have you always looked that feminine?" While these would be welcome indicators that passing has become easier it would also be spectacularly terrifying as NE Ohio is not exactly conducive to being anyone in the LGBT community. The idea is to hold off on full-time until I can get a job at the plant in Washington which at the very least has laws that are more forgiving for transfolk, and then make whatever final decisions I need to before going full-time and leaving the lower 48.
I guess I was suggesting that HRT and face-zapping are things that will take quite a bit of time before you get visible changes that are really obvious to others, much less before you get the changes that you want for full-time. Also, if my experience is any indication, you may have several months of ground laying to go through just to get to the point of starting HRT. (Hair removers, on the other hand, will be happy to start zapping the day you walk in IF you've money in hand. But you're still looking at 9+ months for laser or 2+ years for electrolysis. And frankly, I'd be happy to be whisker-less even if I weren't transitioning.) I also wonder if you're maybe overestimating how much attention people around you are going to pay to your appearance, and their ability to jump from "you look ... puffier" to "eek! A queer person!" As I said earlier, nobody at my workplace has noticed (or at least said) anything, and if they ever do, I have a spiel prepared about vague "medical issues" that I will be clear I don't want to talk about. But that's just me. You do you!
Alright, thanks Wil. I'll try to keep that in mind as I move in that direction. Again, thank you for the advice and input, it does mean a lot.
You might have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...expression/166973-when-things-go-wrong.html#3 Concerning makeup, some kind of chapstick and some kind of nourishing lotion for the face, and maybe some eye shadow or mascara might suffice in the beginning... you might have a further look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/151212-makeup-tips.html#4 You might grow your hair out and use a ponytail... You might play a bit with hairstyle and clothing style... sweaters one or two sizes bigger, unisex or mens jeans, etc... what you feel comfortable with... there are threads on ftm clothing... it can be really fun... a source could be second hand stores... you could say its your style... you might look up further threads... you might have a look at the next lgbt center near you, for courses and events, and maybe counseling... there might even be support groups... and build some community on EC, after 10 postings you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html
Jay, thank you! I may just go for some of the more unisex type face products to start- the chapstick and lotion, etc... The good news is that my hair is already grown out in a ponytail- I'm more proud of that that I probably should be, it's a family thing- my dad and older brother also did the same thing. I also think that I may try a more neutral type of jeans soon, not sure yet though... Regarding a visit to an lgbt center- I already thought about it and it turns out that it is a 45 minute drive that would raise a few questions at home since I never leave and have no tangible social life. It is also worth mentioning that I cannot really do counseling or therapy or anything since I have no job or useful amount of money. Thank you again for the extra input though and I will see what I can do for the anon thread you mentioned.
