For about the past 5 or 6 years I have dealt with moderate to severe depression that, once I discovered my trans identity, I realized was caused by my identity. Hardly an uncommon circumstance but because I believed, as did my therapist, that it was caused by my identity I've never pursued or wanted any medication. I didn't feel it was necessary and that transitioning would be the fix of sorts that I needed. I came out as ftm about 6 months ago to my parents and am about 4 months post-op from top surgery and have been on T for about 6 months. T isn't having as much of an effect on me as I thought it would either, my voice is a bit deeper and I've got a bit of facial hair but I by no means am much of any closer to being gendered as male. Closer I guess but not really to the point I want to be at, though frankly I don't know what that point is. Even when I came out as ftm I knew to some extent that I didn't entirely identify as male but I thought I identified close enough that it didn't make much difference, but once I started to transition I realized that wasn't true and I absolutely identify as genderqueer. I guess I thought for some reason that because I desperately wanted and needed to transition that I had to identify as male. I have told some friends and am slowly asking people to switch pronouns but im still sort of battling through coming out as non-binary to people like professors and co-workers and facing all the s**t that comes along with being non-binary. Frankly I don't have a hell of a lot of support here because while my friends here might get the concept of ftm, genderqueer pretty much goes over their heads,.ive brought it up in conversations and they pretty much shut down the idea that it even exists as an identity. I thought I was doing so well in terms of my mental state, I was so happy for a while last semester but my depression is starting to creep back. This is what happened to me at the other colleges I transferred out of. My first semester would go well but once I got more settled I would start to sink back into my depression until I could barely do anything, my grades would plummet and I would end up leaving. I cant let this happen again. I have been trying to get in touch with my therapist but she's not returning any of my attempts to set up a session. In fact I havnt spoken to her since my surgery despite repeated attempts to set up sessions. None of the counselors at the school seem to have any experience working with trans folks and the idea of having to explain and justify my identity to one more therapist makes me want to tear my hair out. There is a LGBTQ* group on campus but they meet at night but I live off campus which makes it hard to get to, that and my increasing social anxiety thanks to my depression is making it hard to get out to things like that anyways. I guess I really just needed to rant and see if anyone had any suggestions for people to talk to. Im only a few weeks into the new semester, which is going to be a very challenging and busy one for me, and im already feeling myself slip into my old habits of skipping class and ignoring commitments that caused my problems with school in the first place. It doesn't help that everyone in class, even professors ive come out to, continually misgender me if front of the entire class. I really just need some resources to turn too at school but they seem pretty limited, and the idea of slipping back into the mental state I was in a year ago is really scaring me.
Give them a call and explain your situation. You don't need to go there, but you need to reach to them. Isolation is your worst enemy right now, I talk from my own experience : You need to act and make that phone call. Also be very vigilant about what you eat and the quality of your sleep. Try to exercise everyday, and try to talk to someone everyday, even if it is a sales clerk at the mall. EC is here if you need someone to talk to. (*hug*) You can do this. You have already said you don't want to go back to your depression, so you have the determination to act now. You did the right thing.
