Gender Therapy

I'm in the process of trying to get in contact with a gender therapist myself so I don't have an answer to your question unfortunately. :/

I just wanted to say I'm kinda in the same boat. I'm starting to think or realize I guess that I am more of a guy than a girl, but I am fine living like this. And my family is not going to react well if I ever come out so why would I risk losing them? So yeah, we're here for you and if possible once I start talking to a therapist maybe I can send some of those questions your way.

P.S.: try looking up online therapy! I've got a hook-up here so the therapist I'm trying to contact is specifically for foreign residents that are trans and gender variant. There might be something like that in your part of the world too!

 

here are some resources:
Resources

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/165596-i-dont-know-what-i-am-anymore.html#3


And here are some resources on gender therapists:
Choosing a gender therapist
(the style is a bit rude)
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/151930-gender-therapist-help.html#2


hugs

 

I'm sure it is different for everyone, but for me, my therapist has been more of a sounding board than anything else. She makes some recommendations, and sometimes gives me things/questions to think/write about between sessions, but more than anything she has been someone I could talk to who understands. This is especially important in that I don't really have anyone else I can talk to unfiltered or without having to consider the cost of their keeping things secret for me.

As far as specific questions goes, it is hard to think of them as mostly things just flowed out of general conversation and were somewhat specific to my particular situation (wife and small kids, not planning to transition), but if you like, I can try to go back through some things I wrote to see if I can find any questions/topics I think might be helpful (if you can leave me a note on my wall if you are interested it will help me not forget). Best of luck, I have found gender therapy a great comfort and help.

 

Hello there, I think I remember you. You did posted before your travel to France, right?

This is the story of my youth/life. The most wonderful and awful night of my life as a teenager was as I slept next to my best girlfriend at school... Same bed.
And don't get me started about the showers after p.e. ... Just one single experience was enough.

On such situations the only thing that helps is to be aware you are a man wearing women's clothes.
There was a tv show called 'Quantum Leap'. Maybe you'd like to check some episodies out. Think of yourself as the guy on the show. It's a trick I do and it helps me a lot, even if I'm aware that my trick is a bit... Weird.

It could be he is under shock, and therefore he doesn't want to talk about it. Don't expect much from him, and don't force him to talk about your stuff.
By the way you can hit me anytime you feel like ranting/venting.

I get what you mean, because I look very much the young boy next door, even with glasses and all (when I'm working), plus I'm very well manered IRL : Soft, calm, melodic voice, lots of "thank you"s and eye contact... I like the game of seduction, and play it for fun everytime I've got a chance.

This is considered feminine, but I refuse to conform to anyone's standards, specially about being a man.

You don't have to prove anyone anything : You know who you are, that's enough.

Just get a haircut.
This was bothering you before your travel, and it still is... Unless you solve the problem, it'll be there forever and ever, and it might get even worse. In any case it's not doing you no good.
I have the feeling you want to do it, badly.
The new look doesn't need to be radical : A bob would do the job (very french by the way...)

... And when you are on your own, you can style your bob with gel, and have fun experimenting with clothing and so on. You should really give it a try, just for fun.

I used to feel like you, I didn't wanted any troubles and I didn't wanted it to be true... And precisely that was pointing to the issue I've been running away from years. There was something there that I needed to explore. It takes some guts, because it seems risky... Actually the risk is not doing it and spending your time wondering "what if"... Not a good way to live your life. There is a lot of elderly out there complaining of all the things they didn't tried when they were younger.

Grab the bull by the horn, remember it is YOUR bull, it belongs to you, and you should be proud (*hug*)

 

I've been in therapy for two weeks now, so I can give you some advice about the sorts of questions I've been asked, and the things my therapist as said. Hope some of it helps you!

-What would you be most comfortable having other people see you as? What personal identity would make you happiest, what do you feel best describes you? It doesn't have to be a proper label, either. No need to confine yourself to a word, gender's a vast spectrum. So if you haven't already, write down your thoughts and read them clearly back to yourself.

-As changing beings we're in a constant state of flux, evolving from one moment to the next. You shouldn't be afraid of personal change, we have a responsibility to ourselves that should not go ignored. Are you holding back because you're afraid of the reactions of others? If nobody were to take your change badly, would you still hesitate to change?

-What steps have you taken, if any, to experiment with your comfort in belonging to a gender which is different than your biological sex? They can be the littlest things. First and foremost, your comfort ought to be your concern. I would say that if there is something causing you dysphoria, i.e. your long hair, then rid yourself of it and see how it makes you feel. If you're worried about people being suspicious, consider suspicion the training version of people knowing you actually identify as something other than what you were assigned at birth. This will give you a good measure of who will stand by you through your differences.

-Consider what you can do to build closeness with those who matter most to you, so you can be sure of their support. Once again, going through with small changes to make you feel more comfortable and less dysphoric is a good way to steadily gauge the reactions of your friends/family and whether they will stand by you and the changes you decide to make.

 

Jellal is spot on here, and pretty much described what I've been asked.

All three people I've seen who have worked with trans people since I was in the hospital are the absolute chillest and laid back people I've been around which a breath of fresh air from what I used to be around. This might vary from place to place, but I'm sure you'll be okay.

 

I haven't had the best experiences with gender therapy but that's really what you've got to keep in mind. Research is imperative. Try to see if you can talk to any other trans people in your area and see who they recommend.

When I went to gender therapy, I was living in a relatively small (yet liberal) town at the time.

Now my therapist was actually FTM as well. So I didn't have any problems with him as far as actual gender therapy. He was just a bit of a whack job, blaming autism on food additives and suggesting I visit a gay bathhouse after being assaulted.

But that's another story.

Most good gender therapists will try to help you understand how you see yourself, whether or not transition is right for you, and help you connect with resources in the area.

 

I haven't been to gender therapy, but I found some questions on the internet that helped me sort things out. Here there are, I hope they can help you.

Questions

Imagine you could start life over, right from the moment you were born. Knowing everything you know now, you get to choose which sex you are born. What choice would you make? Why did you make that choice? What might be better about your life as the sex you chose? What might be worse about your life as the sex you chose?

Now try a slight twist on your hypothetical: Imagine you could start life over, right from the moment you were born. Knowing everything you know now, you get to choose to change one and only one of two things. (1) you can change the sex you're born as or (2) you can change your feelings so you never have any gender identity issues. That is, if you might be a Female-to-Male transsexual you can choose to be been boy or be born as a girl without ever feeling you are or should be a boy.

Most people are gender-schematic. That's a psychology term for people's tendency to divide people into boys and girls. Thinking back, try to remember a time where somebody of your target sex said, "Oh you just think/feel that way because you're a man/woman." How do you feel about being grouped that way? Did this cause you any hurt feelings? How did you respond? In general, how gender schematic are you? That is, do you often say things like "boys are É and girls are É" or do you try to minimize the groupings others make by saying things like, "maybe boys and girls are different like you say but it's not a very big difference."

Have you ever purposely dressed as or purposely behaved like your target sex? Did you do this in a 'big' way or a 'small' way, or both at different times? For an example take on of my personal 'small' ways like I wore big poofy schrunchies to hold back my long hair for several years before I ever considered transitioning. An example of a 'big' way is to go out for the day (or longer) presenting as your target sex. What motivated you to do these things? If you haven't done anything like this, why not?

Have you ever been accused of purposely dressing or purposely behaving like your target sex even though you weren't intentionally doing that? Also, has somebody ever pointed out how an aspect of your behavior is like your target sex even though you weren't aware of that? How did that make you feel? What did you think? Have you ever taken steps not to have traits like your target sex? For example, I used to keep my hands folded behind my back once somebody explicitly told me how girlish my hand gestures are.

During your early childhood (before puberty) what were your friends like? Describe your best friends. Were they boys or girls? What were you favorite types of play? When you played with toys 'meant' for your biological sex, did you play with them in the typical way? For example, I used to have matchbox cars (a stereotypically boyish toy) which I played with in a way that personified them as friends and family. It was only in the last few years when studying developmental psychology that I found out fantasy play like this is more typical of girls. What do your friend choices and activity choices from youth tell you about whom you are. Were there activities you were forbidden to do, that you really wanted to do? Why were you forbidden to do that? How did you respond?

Do you say things to yourself like, I'm not really a transsexual because I can't identify with the definition: "man trapped in a woman's body" or "woman trapped in a man's body." If you're saying that, you might consider the possibility that these are just pop-culture cliches, not definitions. There definitely are transsexual who say things like there's something "deep inside" them that tells them that they are a boy or girl. But there are also transsexuals who don't feel that way. You might consider finding out how other people think or feel about their transsexuality.

Do you say things to yourself like, "It's too late for me to transition", "I'm too old", or "If only I could go back to (some earlier point in my life) then I would transition." If you say things like that you might consider the possibility that you're making a classic reasoning error called "the fallacy of sunk cost." I wrote another essay on this topic which you can read in my "living life" section.

Everybody has lots of identities and gender identity is only one of them. For example, I have very strong feelings about being a scientist. I feel there's something scientists share in common and it's different form the way non-scientists usually are. "Scientist" is one of my identities. What are your identities? Which ones are most important to you. Are you willing to change your sex to affirm your gender identity? How might a sex change influence your other identities? For example, I was scared I might not be able to become a scientist anymore if I transitioned.

Do you really want to be the opposite sex or do you want to be a 'fantasy' of the opposite sex? Everybody has fantasies about what their life might be like if they make different decisions but often reality turns out to be a lot more mundane than we imagine. Have you considered realistically what you'll gain and lose by transitioning? Try this exercise: fold a sheet of paper into four sections and label them "pro-male", "con-male", "pro-female", and "con-female." Now write as many things as you can think of for each group. For example, under "con-female" write all the things you can think of that might be bad about being thought of as female.

Do you have "gender dysphoria" (i.e. you feel there's something really bad about you being perceived as your biological sex) or do you have "gender euphoria" (i.e. you feel there's something really great about you being perceived as your target sex). You might have both. If you don't honestly have gender dysphoria you might be a bit more cautious about the possibility you're not being realistic about your fantasies.

Do you feel there's anything wrong with being a gay man, lesbian woman, or a cross-dresser? If you do, consider if you're trying to cope with your fears about which you really are by believing you might be a transsexual. It's completely okay if you have secret fears of any of these groups. Most people do because of the way societies stigmatize these groups. I just hope you'll take some time to explore each of these groups. You'll probably find that all parts of the queer community include people you'll like and people you won't. You'll find people in each of these groups her are unbelievably nice and others who are completely obnoxious. If you spend enough time with any of these groups, you might see how diverse each group is and how they're just like everybody else.

 

Wow, wow, wow! You weren't kidding, Tardis221B; I could've written this thread, myself. I don't even know where to start replying.

First off, I empathize. Immensely. When I'm attracted to a man, I feel more like a gay (well, bisexual in my case) man, and with women... well, I think your "wolf in sheep's clothing" reference resonates with me, too. Even in high school I felt like a spy when I'd accompany my female friends to the mall -- a spy who would've happily carried their bags, I might add. In my mind, when I fantasize about women, I'm in an opposite-sex pairing, not a lesbian one. And guess what? Growing up, I was just "one of the guys." I had a lot of bromances with them and they got me, I got them. I felt... at home.

I'm sorry your friend acts like you've never came out to him. Please know I would be more than happy to listen to you vent via PM. I, for one, have felt the way I've felt for over twenty years (I'm 30) and while there have been periods where I repressed my frustrations, the older I get the more I know the ache in my heart will not go away on its own.

I know what you mean about having some "feminine" hobbies that interfere with how you're perceived. I customize ABJDs (I don't know if you're familiar with that acronym), and there's nothing more "stereotypically girlish" than dolls. To help relieve some of my dysphoria I actually customized a doll to look the way I appear in my head (male), so now whenever I get depressed I peek inside my cabinet and remind myself "Yeah, baby. That's me."

Silly? Probably, but having that physical representation helps.

Also --- I grew out my hair for over ten years and earlier this year cut 17" off. It still grazes my chin, but I was in awe over the joy I felt just by lopping my locks off. I hope your haircut (when you get it) satisfies you, too.

~~~

A question for you: How do you react when you're referred to as male (if that has happened to you yet)? I posted my own answer to this question earlier in another thread and thought I'd share it with you, too.

Would you react similarly?

Many, many hugs,

Dots

 

Quite a few transgender people note a change in orientation once they become more and more comfortable with their gender.
So your liking girls might grow into something you feel more and more comfortable with over time, too.

Well you might talk openly about it with him... the feelings you have with male pronouns, for example...

and, well, many people now say being tg is biological... thats in my opinion a socially completely acceptable explanation...

Bonne chance a la coiffeur

 

Its good you have some support Congratulations on coming out anyways.
Well, its possible he needs some time...


http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
The condition is increasingly understood to have its origins before birth.
Research studies indicate that small parts of the baby’s brain progress
along a different pathway from the sex of the rest of its body.
This predisposes the baby to a future mismatch between gender identity
and sex appearance.

I read a study saying its not completely understood. It has to do with the timing of triggering or certain hormone levels. They give various possible causes.


Alors... pas de flancher demain...

What would help you ? A mental image of yourself afterwards ?
The feeling of something new and exciting ?

I'd say take the time you need
And, well, some people do it in stages... but given you're abroad a quick solution might be better

 

Tardis: I would smile at that, too. Reminds me of when a gal I used to chat with online told me "Oh, if only you were a man!" in response to me virtually tipping my hat to her.

I empathize with this as I get very irked when people make assumptions. I have always checked "female" on forms (reluctantly)... until this morning. I was feeling particularly brave on an online survey and chose "male". I was beaming ear-to-ear, and when the company replied with "We're not interested in hearing from your demographic at this time" I couldn't help but laugh. I'm interested to see if I react as joyfully the next time I try this, too.

Damn, this sounds like me (your reaction to being called "sir" -- heck, I'm even happy when people call me "dude"!). What I've been doing for the past few months is referring to myself with male pronouns when I'm alone, just to see how I react. Maybe you could try the same to see what seems to fit?

I'm afraid of where my own journey will take me too, Tardis -- I think it's only natural to be afraid. I unofficially identified as genderqueer for a while but I never seemed to be satisfied, yet here I am, too terrified to change the gender in my own profile to transmasculine even though all signs seem to lead me to that conclusion.

For example, I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday. He doesn't know about my dysphoria but he told me I act particularly butch** and proceeded to ask "Are you sure you're not just a butch lesbian?" This upset me for two reasons: 1.) I'm attracted to all sexes and gender identities (I do have preferences but so do most bisexuals/pansexuals) and 2.) I've already been through that questioning and no, I'm not lesbian. I don't view the world like the lesbians I've known, or the bisexual girls I've known. Since I was a kid I used the excuse "I'm wired like a boy," and now I find that "excuse" is more "truth" than anything else.

** I act butch, but don't look butch, if that makes any sense. My mannerisms are stereotypically boyish despite my petite frame.

(*hug*)

And Jay777, I know your link wasn't directed towards me but thank you for posting it. Reading that PDF was enlightening.

---------- Post added 4th Feb 2015 at 02:27 AM ----------

Also, Tardis -- I forgot to ask: How is your area when it comes to LGBT support? Where I live, there's little-to-none, and I know that only adds to my fear.