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Coming out and transition problems

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SirTiramisu, Feb 1, 2015.

  1. SirTiramisu

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    st. louis
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I know it has been said a million times before by a million other men in my position, but i am in pain. i know what i am, i know what i want. I can't get through to my parents no matter what i do. the hardest thing is that my father said he would probably never accept me as his son. They both say i am changing into someone i am not and that i am asking them not to love "me" by wanting a new name, even though i told them it was not there fault and that i love the name they gave me, that i simply want to be called by another because it pains me in an indescribable way. My mother even said that i may dress like a boy but if i didn't like male things like cars and sports, what made me even consider that i was one. She has known about me for nearly a year. They act like i am dying when they are in fact, killing me. They are so oblivious, and know me so little that they think these physical changes are erasing the person they have known, and i can't take it. What is worse is that they don't even fight or acknowledge my issues or my gender at all. They act like it never happened and my dad is always saying, "your ARE a female, you always have been, and you always will be." in his scientific, monotone voice, like it makes it any better.

    Every time i get away and start to feel like i can make it on my own to reach transition they shut me down, scoffing and saying i will never get enough money or that i will never pass, that no one sees me as a boy and i should give up, accept that i am a pretty girl and use it to my advantage in life. Like i haven;t learned enough about accepting myself in the face of adversity from you both.

    I see others who have transitioned and i feel happy for a little while that things will get better, but then i see all the negatives, all the hate. That people will often see me as just some smelly hairy breast less chick because i won''t have a dick. That i will just be criticized about what i lack and will never get a boyfriend or a girlfriend that loves me as the man i am, especially without me dragging them down into my depression, or at the very least having people pity and criticizing them for dating me, that they are some charity worker or that they could steal them away because they have the right parts i lack. Seeing that there are sites specifically dedicated to saying the "real truth" about ftm transition, that it won't help me, that all the risks aren't worth it and "lesbians and men" won't want me anymore, that i am throwing myself away and i am better off just giving up. Like i don't know the risks of murder and cancer, of loneliness and blood disease, of abuse. Shoving it in my face. Telling me how hard it is.

    I don't even feel safe around other trans men. I still feel somewhat "feminine" or "metro". if i where passing i would cross dress as a Lolita sometimes, be just another feminine bi guy like any other. But i fear being regected, and told that my feelings of being a man aren't real. Some days because of how much my binder hurts i choose just to stay in bed rather than leave or socialize because the mere act is exhausting. Some days i just don't feel like trying.
    Whenever i see mtfs i feel really happy for them, that they can be the beautiful, wonderful girls they are meant to be after all the challenges they go through. But i also envy them. They can get the lower surgery they need and be no different than i am now. But i have to climb a mountain naked with barbed wire at my feet just to get something mediocre at best. I hate that i can never feel complete because i can't have functioning genitals, and even if i tried it would cost me everything. I hate peoples ignorance on how hard it is to "finish the treatment" or "go all they way". Realizing i just have to accept being incomplete or risk loosing everything is something i can't bear. it makes me want to die. i am crying about it right now as i type here now.

    I know i can't go back to being a girl, and i can't ignore that transition is the right path, but with all the obstacles ahead of me i worry i won't make it, or the results won't go far enough to make me loved and make me able to love myself. i just want to be normal, to be able to be seen as who i am, to be able to love or date someone without risking rejection of not only my appearances, but my entire identity. That i will be laughed at and classified as a freak because to them i am not a "real man" when i have been one all along. I need help, i need comfort, i need someone to tell me this feeling won't last forever. I need to feel like my genitals aren't a lost cause and that there is some way they can work in my favor, and that someone will still love me as a man in spite of them.

    I just want advice and help in this time of difficulty because i am alone and i don't know what else to do. i feel out of options and very run down. Any help or advise is appreciated, and any advice on how to start getting hormones and the cost(specifically in Illinois) would be welcomed.

    Thank you so much for your time if you have read thus far,
    Vincent
     
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    A lot of what you said resonated really strongly with me, I have a lot of the same problems. It's hard right now, but I like to believe that things will get better in the future.


    There's lots of ignorant people out there, but there's also a lot who will accept you for who you are. And transgender visibility and acceptance is growing a lot as the issue moves into mainstream media more, so it's becoming more accepted. The bottom surgery options aren't ideal either, but technology for surgery is also advancing, and in the future hopefully there will be an improved bottom surgery.


    For hormones you could start with a gender therapist or see if there's any informed consent clinics near you. Depending on your insurance, it may or may not be covered. I've also heard you can use pharmacy coupons for hormones.
     
  3. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    In fact quite a few people try to fulfill or even overfulfill gender roles, until they find out its not what they are...

    Its a lot of information, so I'd say take your time...

    You might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4
    and your decision is up to you, you don't have to come to the same conclusion as other people in this thread...

    You might play a bit with hairstyle and clothing style... sweaters one or two sizes bigger, unisex or mens jeans, etc... what you feel comfortable with... there are threads on ftm clothing...
    it can be really fun...

    And you might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4
    and here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/153143-so-confussed.html#17

    You might look up further threads...
    for coming out, you might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...expression/166973-when-things-go-wrong.html#3
    and disregard the next answer...
    Some people use a letter...

    Some Dads might be a bit more accepting, because they might kind of win someone they could talk to and do things with concerning manly stuff. You might tell you're more interested in that.
    You might say you don't like this girly stuff, its just not who you are. There is no use in trying, and its not their fault.

    Now well, they might be afraid what neighbours think... but you could say its really who you are, and there are many people like you.

    Concerning relationships, I have read a lot of comments of accepting people.
    There are even threads on that on EC, you can look them up.
    Of course there are always peculiar people on the internet. I'd simply disregard them.
    Concentrate on the positive stuff. If you look for positive stories you will find them.


    Concerning this all, I'd say go with your feeling...
    many people have a feeling of joy, when they imagine themselves how they'd like to be...
    its kind of a feeling this is what they are...

    You will succeed eventually. many, many others have succeeded, too.
    Take the time you need, and look for support if possible.

    You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying you want some counseling...

    You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center...

    and build some community on EC, after10 postings you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat :
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html

    and you might call here:
    GLBT National Help Center
    Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860 - Transgender Hotline

    (*hug*)
     
    #3 jay777, Feb 2, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
  4. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi Vincent,

    First (*hug*) , and welcome here. That pain you are going through is shared by many of us, but that doesn't mean we dismiss it (ok, I don't dismiss it, and I think the rest won't...). This forum is meant to help others, and trust me they will at least try...

    It's way better for you to let things out of your chest, instead of suffering it all and trying to deal with it like a man. That is a mistake, and can lead you (as often does in cismen) to make your own troubles worse. To share what your think, or what you feel, doesn't mean you are less of a man.

    So, never be afraid of telling what's eating you.

    He is in deep denial and he will probably stay like this for a long time. Don't try right now to change his mind, let him deal with it on his own. If he asks you, tell him "I told you what I am, there has been no changes" and leave it at that. Be very short in your answers.
    His idea of being a man might be not your idea. He might also feel scared about the consequences for you, and try to convince you to not want to be a man.
    Distance. And remind yourself often, your father doesn't know everything... Nobody knows everything really... :icon_wink


    You try to do that, and you are up for a free ticket to the grave, trust me.
    To fake you are someone you are not is playing with fire. There is stadistics about drug use and suicide attempts on transfolks.
    If you try to fake it, you'll end up hating yourself and the rest of the world, and making quite a few people's life miserable on the process.

    I don't agree with the whole idea of using advantage as a pretty girl. Girls have brains too, and sense of humor, and a million things that got nothing to do with age or beauty.

    The question is if you are willing to sell some love in exchange of hating yourself. When I found my own answer, I have left a trail of people hurt, and among those folks I was there too.
    You will get someone to love you for who you are, and not what you look like.
    I wonder why people don't say "I love that guy's dick/muscles/whatever" instead of saying "I love John". Not everyone is like this, believe me. There is people here in gay relationships, very happy, and they are loved for themselves, not for... Whatever, you name it.

    Think also that cismen have to deal with this too : Does she loves me for my sports car, for my bank account, or for myself?

    Well, I'm not into crossdressing, and definitely not into Lolita costumes, but I'm a rather soft, well manered smooth fellow, which is associated with being weak. I believe that every man, regardless he is cis or trans, got his dirty secrets, and he is damned right to have them and enjoy them.
    My dirty secret is that I love cats, and I go absolutely nuts for kittens. You show me a kitty, I'll go "awwww, so cuuuute!!!!". And I'm clumsy at the wrong timing : I make a killer entrance through the door, walking so proud and macho, wearing my best suit and my best tie, feeling like damned David Bowie, and then I stumble and I am on the floor, people trying to help me and asking if I'm hurt...

    Men make fools of themselves. Men crossdress. Men like kittens and go "awww, cute!!!". Men cry. Men stumble. So we are men, different men... Don't let anyone telling you what is a man, because those who try had usually no idea, believe me. (... And probably they are very insecure of his own masculinity)

    It seems you can be fearless as a man... Until you mention gender. Then men act very cowardly, afraid of being judged.

    I never cried about that, but I had a huge lump in my throat and I have felt exactly the same desperation as you. It is expensive, it takes an awful damned lot of time, and then it's hard to get a decent treatement... It is to climb a mountain naked with barbed wire at my feet just to get something mediocre at best.... WHAT?

    I don't think so. I've seen good results on transmen. Surgery is not very advanced nowadays, but at least there is a chance to get surgery. And guess what : They are getting better at it everyday.
    Don't think that the women got better chances here : Not every woman has had the same luck like the others at the genetic lottery. And to feel complete (in some cases) they need also a reconstruction / construction. So no, please, don't say that ever...

    I know you are hurting, and I know how it feels to be on your own, but trust me this is going to change, you are going to get back on your feet and face this battle.

    Look for the ones who understand you. The ones who know how it is. To be born like this is all but common, so have some little understanding that for others it's a shock. I had shocks as I went out shocking everyone, but it's only natural : This is not common. The media don't speak about it. The schools very rarely talk about being homosexual, so go figure about being trans.

    Ok, I hope this is enough for you. Feel free to take it or add questions, and stay strong, 'cause you are not the only one who is going through this hell (*hug*)