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I don't know what I am. Maybe genderfluid? Maybe trans? Would <3 advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by enid, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. enid

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    Hey everyone,

    I've been lurking for a while, but finally I've decided to ask the questions I came here to ask. Basically, I'm confused about my gender identity and have been for years. Maybe I'm genderfluid? Or trans? But I'd like some advice on how to think about my gender identity and how to talk about it. But first...

    ---

    The whole story.

    This is for background purposes, and also to get it off my chest. If you don't feel like reading my ramblings and want to just skip down to my questions below, that's fine. But I want to tell it anyway.

    To all my friends and family, I'm an ordinary straight male (23 years old), but for years I've been confused about my real gender identity. Starting in late elementary school I would have fantasies and dreams about magically switching bodies with female classmates. Pink was my favorite color. When I started to go through puberty, I initially hated the changes. I would actually sneak into my bathroom at night to pick hairs off of myself with a tweezer (it sounds crazy and destructive in retrospect). I envied girls with smooth legs.

    In middle school, when I was home alone, I would sneak into my mom's closet and try on her skirts and dresses. Sometimes I would stuff socks in my shirt to simulate breasts. One time I got stuck in my mom's old pink prom dress, and she caught me in it. She helped me out, but we've never talked about it since. After that embarrassment, I mostly avoided cross dressing.

    But... I still had fantasies about transforming into a woman, sometimes sexual ones. Online I read comics about men who are magically transformed into women. At the time, I'd never heard of trans people, so I thought maybe I was gay. I tested myself by seeing if I was attracted to any of my male friends, but that never produced any effect. I was still only attracted to girls.

    More recently, I became aware of the trans community. Naturally, I wondered whether I was trans. I read up on it a bit, but it never quite seemed to fit me. While I still have fantasies about what it would be like to be a woman, I don't have the intense dysphoria described by other people. I don't usually mind being a man, and I don't hate my body - in fact I'm proud of my appearance (maybe even a bit vain). While a magic switch that would allow me to flip genders is appealing, the actual real-world process of transitioning is something I don't see myself choosing to go through.

    All of this has left me confused about what to think about myself. And therefore unsure about how to talk to other people about who I really am.

    ---

    The short version: I'm a boy(?) who likes girls, has long had intermittent but recurring fantasies of becoming a girl, but wouldn't actually want to transition and doesn't experience strong dysphoria.

    So now, my questions:
    - How can I describe myself / think of myself?
    - Am I a trans person who is afraid of truly transitioning? Or just a straight guy with unusual fantasies? Or...?
    - If I *am* a translesbian who doesn't want to transition, how can I possibly explain to people what that is? Or expect them to believe me?
    - Could genderfluid or genderqueer be better descriptors? My feeling of femininity does sort of go up and down over time, and I've always hated being constrained to gender roles.

    It may seem a bit weird that I'm so stuck on what to label myself, but it would be helpful for me to have something other than "freak."

    More practically speaking, I have a girlfriend who I love and who I've been dating for nearly 5 years. I increasingly feel like I need to tell her about this side of me, that I owe it to her to do so, but I've been stymied by the fact that I don't know how to describe myself to her.

    - How important do you think coming out to her is?
    - How can I approach explaining to her how I feel about myself?

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and thanks in advance for your advice!

    -- enid
     
  2. jay777

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  3. NingyoBroken

    NingyoBroken Guest

    Going through transition is not the most fun process. Surgery can be painful (and so can hormones if you choose to inject).
    But once you get your results..

    You have the right body. Or at least, close enough so you can feel comfortable. When I was confused and first out of denial, I said I probably didn't want hormones.
    But then over time, I realised, I want a deep voice, and a more male face and body. So I decided, the side effects and risks are worth it if I get the traits I want, that make me feel complete as a man.

    But rest assured, not every trans person even chooses to transition. There are some who don't, and if doesn't make them less a woman/man.

    But, I think you should wait a while, figure out what you want and if you truely feel like a woman.
    I say this to everyone, but ask yourself this:
    Do you want to be referred to as a woman?
    Do you dislike being referred to and seen as a man?

    That's a pretty good way to tell if you are actually trans or not.

    And of course, if you are not trans, there are always ways to be pretty and feminine, while still being a man.
    I'm a crossdresser, I love makeup and fashion and looking beautiful. I have my hair long and my body hair shaved. But I feel like a man, not a woman.
    It's possible that you have a strong admiration for the female form, or just beauty in general that is so associated with females in western society.
     
    #3 NingyoBroken, Feb 2, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2015
  4. ANewDawn

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    There's nothing unusual about wanting to label yourself, most of us have been there at some point. I think if you alternate between being comfortable in your male body and wanting a female body you could be genderfluid or bigender.
     
  5. enid

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    Thanks for the replies! I have a lot to think about, but it helps to know there other people out there thinking about these things too. :slight_smile:
     
  6. jay777

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    I'd say think about it...

    ask if you have further questions...

    and you might look up a few other threads...

    hugs
     
  7. ANewDawn

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    lol I responded to this thread a week ago feeling totally confident in my own gender, and now I'm a dysphoric mess who feels quite similar to you. I vacillate between being comfortable as a woman (usually when I'm dressed) and wanting a boy's body (usually when I'm not dressed). I guess if I were to take my own advice I'd be genderqueer.
     
  8. jay777

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    You could have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/150966-androgyne-identity.html#14

    I'd say take your time... and you could have a look at other threads...
    and ask if you have further questions...


    hugs
     
    #8 jay777, Feb 9, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2015
  9. MeganMarie

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    I personally despise labels it is a waste of time. Because our mind and body is continually shifting and adapting. Case in point I am a different person with different opinions I carried 10 years ago.

    Over the past 10 years of me being out and about in Atlanta and my interactions with others in the trans community. The thing that surprised me the most, not two people have the same set of circumstances. They maybe simular but never exactly. Our age, up bringing, education and other factors play a role on how we navigate this journey.

    Think you should just allow yourself to be open minded and enjoy the journey. Do what your doing ask questions and interact with others in the trans community and overall LGBT community, you will find that the stories of others help you along the way.