So I started expressing my gender sometime around last spring. It wasn't the first time, but this has been the first time I've kept doing it. At first it was like just every so often, going to the convience store or something but this last month I haven't left the house once without my binder and men's clothes, except for work. It's getting frustrating getting ready to go to work just because I know I have to wear a bra and use my girl voice, etc. It was never like this before, I've never really experienced dysphoria like this. I remember questioning my gender in high school and being 100% positive that I did not want SRS, but now I'm wondering if maybe that is something I might want to do one day. Was this anyone else's experience? Did any of you guys start to express your gender only to find out the rabbit hole went deeper than you thought?
Yeah, at first I identified as agender and I planned on not medically transitioning, and switching between masculine and feminine clothes. It really quickly got worse, like as soon as I allowed myself to explore those feelings I discovered how much worse it really was.
When I started acknowledging my identity and exploring my expression, I had no idea how deep my feelings really ran. I thought I was fluid for a while, but within a month I realised I was very much not. It's been a few years now, and I'm dying to start HRT.
This is scary for me - as this past week was the first time I have ever vocalised to ANYONE out loud, to another person, that I really don't feel very feminine, and in fact more masculine, and am possibly transgendered. As a teenager I felt very agendered at the same time as asexual - with regards sexuality, after many years I came to acknowledge I much prefer (and passionately so,) women. Now I have a horrible feeling that my "agender" feelings need to be worked through, and I can see the trajectory of where that take will take me - I am TERRIFIED. Realising the actual strength of my feelings towards women (after "growing" into it gradually), I fear the same sequence of events will occur with regards my gender. I used to wear skirts, dresses, make up all the time - it has been several months since I have worn any of them. I tried on a dress a few months back, and it felt like drag. I hold onto my girly things because I worry I have made a mistake and will change my mind. How did you feel when you started to come to this realisation?
I feel you on this. Also everytime I hear the name they gave me at birth, it feels like a punch on my stomach. And it's not getting better, it's getting worse. About the rabbit hole, I always knew who I was, the trouble is that I didn't wanted to go there, and I tried the ostrich technique, even if it was so obvious. I guess describing yourself as agender, genderfluid and the rest are also variants of the ostrich technique in our case, but I never did that, I was in denial about myself and conciously avoided to think even about gender : Some were born like this, some like that, and you had to live with it. Period. It's a miracle I'm still alive.
First, thanks for your input guys, it means a lot. Purplefrog; I'm just starting to realize these feelings and I'm terrified too. My insomnia's been bad for the first time in years. And I've got a lot of doubts. VodkaBerat; I'm still positive I'm genderqueer but, I guess the term would be transmasculine. I was always aware of who I was but, like you said, I did the ostrich thing. I buried my gender in the back of my mind, aware of it but not acknowledging it. It's now that I've acknowledged it that it seems to be more than what I thought it was.
I did the same thing as well. I came out as pangender first. Then I said that I was masculine leaning pangender, and finally I came out as being male. So, I guess that you could say that I added an extra step in there. I just was not ready to admit that I was male before, but I still wanted to be male sometimes (if that make sense).
I was doing some searching online and came across the term 'masculine of centre' - which encompasses the spectrum of masculine women to FTM. As a lesbian, I have also been doing some reading up on Butch women's sense of identity - and there does seem to be overlap between that and being transgendered, with some butch women thinking of themselves as another gender - which kind of makes sense. I definitely don't feel girly and feminine, and I do think of myself as being masculine - and want people to perceive that in me - but I'm not sure if I actually want to be a man. Having said that, having breasts (of my own) is rather strange, but do I really want to proactively get rid of them? But then another part of me would love to have more testosterone running through my body- with the accompanying redistribution of fat that that would bring, and increase in certain things down below. But that would mean more overt changes, such as lowered voice (which for singing would be great, as I love singing low) - but talking itself would be quite self conscious. I look at my face in the mirror, and it is very girly, but do I want a very masculine one instead? But then in bed, I feel more engaged when I think of myself as a man? So many thoughts and things to work through. For people further down the line, what was it for you that made the leap or change from masculine woman to actually being male?
