Might be genderfluid, might be imagining things?

Delurk time.

I'm a college freshman, "born male" or what have you. I've never felt particularly attached to my gender, but neither have I felt an overwhelming sense of wrongness. Certain memories stand out, though. As a very young child, I'm told my favourite colour was pink. Later, it was (still is) purple. I've never had many male friends, and those I do have are tedious to spend time with in comparison to my female friends.

None of that's out of the ordinary, mind. Still, about a month ago, I began thinking deeper about the idea of my own gender and (let the record show I almost ditched the computer here) decided, on a whim I can't expain, that perhaps I was female, at times. After "internally" being female on a few occasions, I was euphoric. It felt, not exactly right, but "relaxed," as if a weight had left me. Maybe. It's fuzzy.

When NOT feeling female, though, I doubt that the experiences were ever real or that there's anything to it save wishful, "special snowflake" thinking. At the current moment, I'm wishing I'd never delved so deeply into my own identity.

 

It's not that I'd mind "being genderfluid," although my family might take issue with my being. It's that I dislike the self doubt and, because I'm autistic, it's very hard for me to know if I'm actually feeling these things or if I'm "making myself" because I have a tendency to obsessively internalise anything I'm exposed to.

What criteria would I need to match to actually be able to tell if I'm genderfluid or the like?

 

(Hoping double posts aren't frowned upon here)

I'm also noticing a tendency for my identity to "fade into the background," and that it feels like it's not "there" unless I'm thinking about it. Which may mean something or not. It may mean that it's real, or not, I have no idea. Occasionally it seems as if I "remember," or at least my attention returns to, the fact that I'm feeling feminine? Maybe?

 

@Jazz- Can you tell me more about how Autism makes exploration of your gender identity difficult? I'm just curious, in general, and because I'm searching for answers myself.

@cdinatl- Interesting concept. I was under the impression that "gender roles≠gender identity," though, so while that correlation may exist, I'd refrain from assuming causation.

That isn't to say that, to some extent, a society in which we were more free to express "cross-gender" feelings and preferences wouldn't lead to a greater prevalence of nonbinary and genderfluid individuals. It probably would, because people with relatively (very) minor NB and Genderfluid identities (probably) suppress themselves in contemporary Western society but would likely express themselves in a more liberal society.

More on-topic: I think I've found a way to express my primary questions.

1: What is requisite for a genderfluid identity?/What defines a genderfluid person?
2: Could I possibly be "making" myself genderfluid by "delving too deep," "playing with fire," or otherwise implanting unfounded ideas into a brain already quite susceptible to influence (I'm known to emulate people and fictional characters I admire (as are many humans, I'm just (maybe unrealistically) self conscious about the extent to which I do it))?

Sorry for the triple-nested parenthetical.

 

I accept your advice on principle but am not entirely certain I understand it, and could easily see that same basic reasoning (as I interpret it) applied in the other direction, probably because I "don't get it."