Does anyone else struggle with this? Let me explain. I am having some problems accepting my past because I lived as the wrong gender. Even the tiniest reminder of my past can trigger me to feel that I need to distance myself as far as possible from it, and be as far away from the person I was as I can possibly get. For example, the other day it was the feeling of a Spring day, and the horrible familiarity of it. It brought back memories of all the Springs and Summers I spent as the wrong gender. Today it was walking past a women's clothes shop, a horrible reminder of the clothes I used to wear, a past job in a women's clothes shop. Why can't I accept my past? Why is it I feel the need to distance myself from everything I was?
Well, from what you wrote, you were exposed to situations that made you very dysphoric, I mean a job in a women's clothes shop... I can't imagine how :***: that must have been. Everytime I went shopping with my female girlfriends and relatives I ended up furious with them for taking HOURS to buy something. When you asked them Ok, so what's the deal here, and what the hell do you need : Is it pants, underwear, or what?! They answered Awwww, come oooon, relaaaaax, we are just brooooowsing... Yeah, playing the mellow trumpet, you know... And expecting the bass line to echo them back. (Some men do that too, but for some reason it's mostly women...) I'm ok with people doing such stuff, regardless of gender, I respect them, and even find it cute at times, but I'm not ok with being his/her victim. Have you ever seen :tears: boyfriends on women's section, following the little cute evil tyranical princess wherever she goes?! You were in a way on that situation... PLUS, you had to fake it. You felt forced to make them believe you belonged there. Must have been exhausting. Point is ... You might not forgive your old self. Depending on your sexual orientation, this could give you troubles : Imagine your girlfriend wants you to go to hunt some clothes for herself. Imagine she is like most women. What would you do? There was a turning point for me. Don't ask me how it happened, or how I made it, but suddenly it seemed to me they were foreign, they were the opposite sex. The feeling was almost overwhelming. I asked myself Did I ever belonged to this tribe? The answer in my mind was a loud and clear NO, I NEVER DID. I've been told I've got something very masculine about me, that I look like a boy, that oh-that's-how-boys-talk-and-walk, and the (shy and timid) you know sometimes *nervous smile* you remind me of my youngest brother, you are such an angry young man, and so on and on and on... I don't know if someone ever told you such things. I treasured those words back then and I felt very proud that someone, even for a few seconds, was able to see the real me. Maybe you could try to remember if something like this ever happened to you. You know, you were still there, trying to adapt. There is nothing wrong with that. Do you think you have lost something? Would you like to go back for a while? Is there something you felt forced to give up because that's not what men do/like/think?
