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Sick of sexism or genderfluid? So confused...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Thingymajing, Feb 12, 2015.

  1. Thingymajing

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    I know this probs sounds like a weird question, but I'm 100% serious. I dunno if I'm genderfluid or just sick of sexism and gender stereotypes, expectations, and everything. I feel like me being a bio female means people treat me differently to how I wanna be treated; I wanna be treated like a guy unless you're dating me and you're a guy.

    I really like girls AND guys. Actually I'm quite genderblind and attracted to any gender/sex as long as I like the person. With hetero sex, I enjoy the gender stereotypes and like being dominated or teasing the guy. But with girls, I wish I was a dude lol. With friends, I don't "get" most girls and sooo prefer guy friends. I understand guys better than girls. Means I'm scared to date a girl, even.

    But am I just a weird chick who wants to be "one of the guys", and is fed up with my gender affecting how people treat me? Sometimes I act like a guy (try to be tough/macho, feel a sense of chivalry and protectiveness towards girly girls, gutter mind, male body language), other times I wanna be girly and cute, or weird, or sexy, but feminine.

    I sorta wanna cut my hair short, buy more unisex-looking glasses ("nerd/hipster" glasses), gain some weight so I look less feminine in the face (and learn makeup if I have to, to ironically make myself look more masculine, which would only ever end in me looking androgynous), buy some men's clothes, buy a binder, and adopt a gender-neutral nick name (I have one in mind too) but I seriously question my reasons -

    - Not sure if I'm just a bisexual woman who wants to look tough and butch to attract cute submissive-type girls
    - Not sure if I'm genderfluid wanting to look less female when I'm not trying to attract men or fit in with the girls
    - Because I want people to treat me like a guy sometimes; the dirty jokes, the macho competetiveness, the chivalry, all the stuff that I do with my guy friends even if it seems weird coz I'm a girl
    - I hate it when people assume I am scared of something or am wussy or like talking about feelings because I'm female. Especially people who don't know me.
    - Not sure if just fed up with sexism and want to confuse people because I hate my gender being the most important thing to some people/most strangers (maybe I'm imagining it, but CERTAINLY not all of it, there is a lot of OBVIOUS sexism)
    - Maybe I really am at odds with my gender and that's why I feel uncomfortable that people know I'm female and worse, treating me like one
    - I wanna tell people "I'm not even female/a chick/etc though!" when they make my gender relevant to anything, but I don't know how the heck to say that so I don't
    - I do tell people "Just pretend I'm a guy everything makes sense then" or "but I'm - like - a guy too!" when guys expect me to think differently to them
    - I don't act like most women so I don't wanna be treated like other women! This could be the sexism and stereotypes people stick on me, or dysphoria-ness

    I'm nervous to cut my hair, buy a binder, and change my presentation though. I don't know why! Here are some possible reasons;
    - I'm not sure if I'm scared to lose my feminine good looks and instead look like a little boy
    - I'm worried how family will react if I suddenly start looking different, or worse, if I tell them I'm genderqueer (which right now I'm only questioning) and they judge (I have 19 uncles & aunties and 20 cousins and we are all very close and I'm going to be moving near the largest concentration of them in the country later this year (19 of them, plus Nan and Pop; I actually counted for fun! xD) because most of them have never heard of anything other than cisgender, not that they'd understand the term
    - I might be worried I still wont pass and will just look ugly :frowning2:
    - I'm worried that if I tried to pass I'd still look feminine, because my face is very feminine
    Am I just over the sexism and feeling this way because of inconsiderate, judgemental people?

    Pleeease don't tell me I need to figure this out on my own lol, because the sooner I figure this out the better, then when I move interstate later this year I can do so as whatever gender I am, so when I make new friends they will already know what to expect...

    Any advice? >u<'
     
  2. ANewDawn

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    This is the second post I've read this morning that almost perfectly describes my one feelings.
    I think maybe that regardless of whether your dysphoria is social or physical, if you frequently feel like being a boy than that's legit. You could just be a tomboy, but the fact that you don't always feel that way sound more like genderfluid or bi gender to me.
    You should try crossdressing/androgynous dressing - you might find that it feels totally right. Or it might not and you can just change your outfit. As for cutting you hair, it'll grow back if you hate it.
     
  3. jay777

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    Well you could just start living that...
    gender variant behaviour, clothing and style...

    well if people get the idea out of their heads you're not a stereotypical women you are even more free to explore...

    you might say its your style, you feel comfortable that way...
    this has nothing to do with loose lifestyle, you're still a reliable person, but you need to express yourself this way to be happy...
    and its not the 60s any more...

    and that many people show gender variant behaviour, it doesn't hurt anyone... it even is an advantage if girls are more assertive :slight_smile:

    On how you are perceived, if you get comfortable in your style, that will show.

    hugs
     
  4. Nickinthemiddle

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    Well on one point, here is something that I went through. I am in a 'straight' marriage to a really awesome open minded man (not straight but 'female' to male marriage). I always had a problem with sex with men and I just went through a huge questioning phase, feeling all sex with men had just left me feeling empty and bad, and wondering if I were a lesbian, feeling like I needed divorce, feeling like I was not bisexual as I thought I had been.

    But a recent development made me realize that what I wanted was to be the 'top'. I am still much more attracted to women than men, but I want to be dominant, and not to get too graphic, but do to my partner what it is usually the 'guy' does :icon_redf and well luckily like I said my partner is very open minded, we have tried this once and he liked it, and I felt pretty good.

    So that's all I can say for the area of 'wanting to be a guy' in sex. I was sooo confused until I started realizing that for me it is easier to feel that I can be top, etc. with a woman and that I couldn't do it in the same way with a man. Which, unless he is open minded to a whole lot of 'other' activities than traditional man-woman vanilla activities he might not be.

    OK, now 'who acts like the guy'... my partner completely 'reads' or 'looks' like your average over 6 foot straight guy. I felt pressured to give up my old 'soldier' days of being forward and stomping around in boots and being quite, I don't know how to say it, rather one of the guys as I had been for over a decade in the military. But now realizing that it is OK to not conform to some gendered expectation of a civilian June Cleaver suburb wife, I'm walking around again in my boy clothes and my boots and my tats out, we are getting some weird looks here (like probably what is a 'girl' like that doing with such a regular looking guy) but *he likes it and encourages it* so I get to be 'the guy' kind of now. I get to be the big spoon. This is great.

    I don't know yet either where I fall on the spectrum at all. I know I wish I had an outie instead of an innie when it comes to the 'intimacies', and I know that I hate having developed chest, and I know I don't want to transition, and I'm a pretty serious feminist, and I feel at home swaggering it up way not feminine style. I don't have any answers but I kind of saw some of myself in what you mention so I thought I'd tell you what I have discovered thus far into my gender identity discovery, and while 'female' and married to a man.

    I hope I didn't just word puke all over the place. I'm still figuring this out too.
     
  5. Thingymajing

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    Nickinthemiddle - no you made perfect sense, I found myself smiling a lot at your post because it's a pretty positive story and actually does kinda help me, thanks :slight_smile:

    And yea, I really need to just "try it on" with regards to cross-dressing a little, the hair has to change if I want that to work but I will totally miss long hair lol. Hate how it looks some days though, so I'll just have to get a short style that's androgynous so I can still look pretty if I wanna. Like that "curtain fringe" style you see on guys... Just worried coz my face is a lot girlier and "pretty" than I realised, I only noticed when I was trying to test if I could pass face-wise. I always thought I was hideous lol, now I'm just annoyed I'm prettier than I realised and my weird German-looking (half Austrian) face is too feminine, passing will be harder I thought. So maybe I'm just worried I will fail before I've began xD I would love to be androgynous... those people make beautiful woman AND handsome men.
     
  6. Sam I Am

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    Thingymajing, your story sounds almost exactly like mine. (*hug*) I spent a long time wondering if my issues with female gender and how it's dealt with in our culture were the sole cause of my feelings. Then, I realized that while many women are dissatisfied with their position in life, most women don't take the next step and wonder if maybe they're a part-time dude. If you're asking those questions at all, there's a good chance there's something there.

    Me? I finally figured out that I'm genderfluid. There's days I bro it up, days I girl it up, and days where gender seems like an unnecessary waste of time. Live it all!

    I don't have any advice on the issues with presenting, because I'm still figuring out all that myself. Good luck! I'll be following this thread too.
     
  7. jay777

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    You could try second hand stores as a source.
     
  8. Nickinthemiddle

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    Okay, I'm glad I helped Thingymajig, I was concerned I might be oversharing!

    For hair, what I did, is I got an asymmetrical bob. Jokingly called a 'side mullet' by Cameron Esposito, but not nearly as grand as hers.

    Mine one the low side is so low it is pixie short, you can see my ear, on the long side, it goes down past my jaw.

    So if you want maybe try it in stages. I figured with the asymmetrical bob cut, I could ease into a short style and still have the bangs in the face, style the long side, even play it off as an edgy hairstyle if I decided to be more 'girly' and regretted going so short.

    I like the short side so much the next visit I may have both sides pixie short and just keep the long bleached bangs, go even more 'boy'. But this way I got to ease into it and try it out.

    You can go in stages :slight_smile:

    Best wishes to you <3