How did you deal with naysayers when you were closeted?

God, I'm sorry Felix. That's so not cool of him to say :dry:

I guess you gotta try and take advice from the T Swift and "shake it off":icon_wink

No, but in all seriousness I do have some advice for two scenarios.

(1) You are still in the closet, the person has no idea you are trans (or LGB+).

-How I cope with this one: So while its annoying, frustrating, and hurts when people say things that get to me (be it a descriptor, pronoun, assumption I'm female, or something about trans people/gender), I try and remember that they mean well (most of the time) or are simply uneducated on the topic. If they don't know that you are LGBT+, they will treat you like they would any other average straight/ cis person in society, because thats what is automatically assumed.

But if its something that's incorrect, ignorant, or cruel I'll politely correct them or calmly explain why that information isn't correct or is problematic. (often even though it might feel like you're outing yourself, as long as you don't mention yourself, they probably won't wonder, and if they do ask you can just say you know someone who is.) I find that if I don't say anything in instances like that I tend to not only be upset with the person, but am upset with myself for a long time.

(2) You know the person and they aren't accepting once you've told them. Or they are "accepting" but they don't quite get it.

- This one is tricky. I don't have too much gender specific advice from personal experience, but when my mom wasn't okay with me liking girls I learned a few things about how to cope:

You have to know that its not you that did something wrong, and that the person just needs time to process. Its likely a big change for them, and expecting them to be okay with such a big shift overnight is asking a lot.

Its okay to need time away from this person, even if they are an important person in your life. If after explaining to them, offering resources, and giving it some time the person still is not treating you properly, its okay to be upset and its okay to need space. If being around them is too painful for you, its often best to limit the amount of time you spend with them.

______________________________________

I guess thats all I have for now, but I think the biggest thing that has made a difference for me is knowing that I know who I am and holding onto the realization no one can ever take that away from me.

Over break I got strange looks from my entire family when I casually mentioned in the car ride back from Christmas with grandma, "I wish I'd have gotten a tie like the guys instead of a necklace." Normally even the odd looks would have made me feel guilty, alone, and sad. And even though I still sort of felt those things having the clarity of identity and focusing on "I'm a man, or I'm not female" helps calm me down in moments like that.

Anyways I hope things with your friend get better with time (*hug*) Hang in there buddy, and don't let the naysayers bring you down.

 

Personally I try to look from the other person's perspective (so long as they aren't being rude, ignorant :***:holes). I often overlook a lot of comments from people I'm not out to, because they have no idea what's actually going on. As long as they aren't saying anything stupid, usually it's fine. But then again, I'm still in school, and wouldn't want some stupid label getting thrown around by a bunch of uneducated teenagers.

I think Tardis pretty much hit the ball on this one..

Alright well I've got to get going.. Good luck

 

I came out of the closet two weeks after I came out to myself. Couldn't handle constantly being misgendered. Any time before, I was in denial and presenting as female so... Didn't have much closet time.

 

Yeah, for sure bro (*hug*)

Wow, that's really ignorant, and inconsiderate of them to say. You are the only one who's going to be able to know your identity, and having someone tell you you're wrong about that... not cool.

And some people just can't quite understand things that don't fit into their world view. Sometimes with time they can change, but it takes a big effort on their behalf, and sometimes the person isn't willing to do that.

If you are really close with this person or still want to keep them in your life, maybe try to veer away from LGBT+ topics with them if they tend to say things that upset you. I hope that they will come around eventually.

(and perhaps [I don't know the context, but maybe] their comment on gender was their attempt at an apology for the previous statement about your sexuality. A sort of it doesn't matter what gender you love, love who you want sort of thing... or maybe they were just on a tangental rant about gender roles, and didn't yet realize that that's different than gender...) I don't know where I'm going with this... I'm just going to stop writing now... I could be way off here, just theorizing about possible reasons for the comment... sometimes understanding the "why" makes the comment its self less painful.

E.g. A week before I returned to school in the fall I was chatting with my mom and this slipped out of her mouth, "but, what would be people think if both of our kids were gay." Yeah. Ouch. But I had to realize that this was my moms own insecurities talking, not a reflection on me, not that she had any reason to be ashamed of me, and that she needed to work through her own stuff before she could see that liking someone of the same gender or sex isn't shameful.

Don't you just hate it when that happens *disapprovingly shakes head and rolls eyes at the naysayers*. Haha, yeah, I feel like I'm the reverse. I'm pretty secure in my gender identity (it was just sort of like 'Oh I'm not female, well now things make a hell of a lot more sense') whereas my sexuality is so scrambled, fluid, and un-accepted by my mother when I was still un-accepting of myself that I just try to stay away from that pandora's box.

I think for me its been less of numbing myself to the comments (that was bad... oh so, so bad... remembers times when it caused me to slip into depression...) and more about seeing the whole picture. Understanding the reason behind the comments and knowing that they aren't a reflection on me as a person, but rather a reflection on the other person and their own insecurities, struggles, or lack of education. In my experience its kindness, education, and a willingness to be open-minded that helps people to grow into more compassionate people.

And "bow ties are cool" :icon_wink I'm sorry I couldn't help myself, The Doctor lives in me. And he lives in you. He's watching over, Everything we see. "Wait no, that's the Lion King, sorry."- 10th Doctor

And I'm glad I could help