Super confused about my gender identity.... please help?!

So, I'm going to try to be as open as possible about my feelings in this post, which is really hard for me. I'm starting to doubt everything that I once believed to be true about me, and I'm feeling very distressed. I grew up never questioning my gender identity or the fact that I was male. I was involved in a variety of activities when I was younger, from sports to art, but I started to stray down the path towards more artsy things when I was in the fifth grade. I joined a choir, took art classes, and even sang in an opera choir a few times! It was a great experience, however, in middle school people found out about it and made fun of me so much that I stopped acting and singing altogether. Throughout this whole time I never questioned the fact that I'm a guy and I never felt out of place in my body or sex. To be honest, I felt pefectly happy being a guy. I did start questioning my sexuality around this time, though. I can remember looking at the guys crotches in middle school and seeing who had the biggest haha. I didn't consider that gay (in the 6th grade) for whatever reason, but then in the 7th grade there was this guy who I really liked and I remember sitting next to him in class one day and having the overwhelming urge to hold his hand. This urge freaked me out and the next day I told my mom that I was worried I might be gay. When she said it's possible, I freaked out so badly and started saying things like: "I'm not gay! I don't want to be gay!" Anyways, I also have suffered from OCD my whole life, mostly the purely obsessive part of it (Pure-O), where you get a thought in your head and can't stop ruminating about it. My brother and mother suffer from it too. I had had this on several occasions before, but for whatever reason, I mistaked these feelings for guys for (or, rather, decided to see them as) just an OCD episode. It became clear after middle school that these feels were becoming stronger and not going away, and any interest I had had in girls (Which was some, but not much), was fading away. Yet, I held onto the hope that it was OCD until shortly after my 18th birthday, when I decided to come to term with the facts that I like guys. At first I came out as bi, which was easier for me; now I identify as mostly gay with every once in a while an urge for a girl (I believe it's called "homoflexible"?). Anyways, I'm 20 now, and from the time I came to terms with my sexuality and up until about two months ago I've felt perfectly happy being a "gay" man. I've experimented and came to be happy and not ashamed of my orientation, which I thought was a great acheivement. My self esteem is another issue, but being gay didn't play a role in it anymore.
ANYWAYS, fast forward to the past six months.
Now, I do a LOT of thinking. It's pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing, because my goal has to become more "enlightened" for some time. Anyways, I remember thinking about traditional gender norms for no particular reason last summer, and one of the thoughts I had was: "clothes are all just a construct of society. If guys grew up wearing dresses and girls pants, who would know the difference?" Now, this may seem like a very obvious statement, and most people, after realizing this, would shrug and move on. Yet, I started to ruminate about it. I began to think things like: "You care so much about what other people think, you would never even consider wearing a dress, even if the notion that dresses are for girls is just a construct of society." For whatever reason, this thought bothered me A LOT at the time. My mother, and a few other people, had been asking me at the time if I was really bi or actually just gay. People always want to put you in boxes, you know the deal. I decided I should probably start outing myself as gay instead of bi, for simplicity's sake, and then I had the random thought: "Just wait a while, soon you'll be coming out as trans too!" Most people my brush this thought off, but for me it was "cue the obsessing!" I obsessed about this for about a week, and then, for several months, even when the thought crossed my mind, it didn't bother me. It just didn't feel grounded in reality.
Until Christmas break.
I go to school abroad (in Germany), and when I flew back to my home country over break, I started to obsess about the possibility of being transgender again. At first, the obsession didn't seem to make any sense at all. I could not remember ever feeling like a girl/or had the desire to be a girl, NEVER wanted to wear female clothes, hated having my hair long, the thought of earrings disgusted (and still) disgust me (although not as much on girls). I had never phantasized about being a girl, and in my dreams I was always a guy. I even remember reading about a punishment in ancient Chinese civilization where men would get their penises cut off for commiting a serious crime and being FREAKED out by that (I obsessed about that for a while too).
But, I've been thinking obsessivel about being transgender now for about two months, and now my actual emotions seem to be blurring with my fears and I can't tell what's what anymore. I used to constantly check whether or not I would mind being referred to as a "she", and at first it sounded super strange. Then it sounded "meh", like I don't really care. And now, I get this weird, obsessive feeling like I'll need to try it out one day or else I'll be "denying" my true desires. It almost feels like I actually would want it. Not to say that it bothers me in any way when people refer to me as a he. I never even thought about that until this issue came up. I would also look at girls and ask myself if I want to look like them. At first, the answer was always no; I always looked up to good looking guys and wanted to get super ripped like them. I've tried several times But, recently (as in the past week), I get this obsessive thought that I actually do want to look like them. I also get these obsessive thoughts that I'm slowly feeling more and more like a girl on the inside, which is freaking me the frick out. I keep on trying to imagine myself as a girl; at first it was impossible, now when I do I feel like, somehow, I could live with it and I have no idea if that's actually what I want. I've been freaking out that, by thinking about it so much, I've slowly been changing my gender identification subconsciously or reawakened a feminine side of me that's been dormant for a long time. I can remember one instance in my childhood of wanting to try on my mom's panties (I honestly can't remember if I wanted to try on her bra or not), and cutting my underwear in order for it to look like sexy women's underwear. I tried this a few times and as far as I can remember I only did it because it turned me on. I also remember one time in the bathtub sticking my penis between my legs to see what it would look like if I didn't have a penis. I can also think of a million examples of me doing typical male experimental things too, though, so, although the obsessive side of me wants to believe that those are RED FLAGS for what I'm experiencing now, I'm not too sure about those isolated events.
Basically, I'll cut the chase. I can't tell the difference between my obsessing and my actual emotions anymore. A large part of me believes it's my OCD coming back in the "perfect storm" version (appearing for real in the version of a "fake" obsession I had about my sexuality). But for whatever reason, I feel like there is some certain truth to it hidden deep inside of me, that I'm terrified to realize. Like I've possibly been somehow supressing this from me my whole life and it's just coming to light now in my early twenties, or (even worse), but thinking about this I'm causing my already somewhat feminine mind to take over dominance of my whole brain. Ever since I've tried to stop supressing these obsessive thoughts and just letting them come and go, I get this awful feeling that I actually am not entirely male and that I DO want to be a girl, or at least try it. Honestly, though, I would've been perfectly happy to just be guy before all this came about.
There's obviously a certain amount of OCD/obsessiveness in the amount I think about this and how much it terrifies me (I even started to worry about a female ghost possibly posessing me and taking over my mind- something my neighbor warned me about). But I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more too it. I'm all for living completely authentically as oneself, but I can take that to an obsessive level too and worry about whether or not this person I believe myself to be really is 100% me (Which it probably isn't!). Gahhh I wish I could just stop worrying about this and get back to living my life. But every time I start to stop worrying about it, my mind's like: "You're forgetting something..."
I don't need a diagnosis here, I just want some advice on what I should do. This has honestly been worrying me so badly that I haven't eaten anything in almost 24 hours (and I still feel no urge to eat). I've also been laying in bad, amid panic attacks, for almost the whole day. If you've made it this far in my post, THANKS so much for reading the whole thing and for attempting to help me! Peace