Name Guilt

Hi everyone,

I have questions for those of you who have started using a new name or a modified version of your name.

How do you deal with the people who act either pitiful or flippant about your new name?

The two friends I asked to use my masculine name, accepted immediately.

My sister, she was positive, but promised me that she would forget constantly. I tried to tell her that it was very important but she kind of seemed like it wasn't important to her at all, and pretty much said she wasn't going to remember to do it all the time.

My mother actually got wistfull and teary and asked me if she could please just keep calling me the girl version as well as the boy version. I don't know why, they always called me the boy nickname as a kid and still do call me the boy nickname, why would asking her to call me the boy nickname exclusively cause her to be sad? I mean, she calls all of us girls (4 girls with boy nicknames! 4!) and even she herself has a boy nickname she has used all her life, she doesn't even use her girl name. Why would she get all sad???

So I felt kind of guilty. I think they are not understanding how important it is to me. I think they think it's just a phase. I'm planning on legally changing my name, that's how serious I am.

How do you deal with it? Did you get guilt tripped? How do you buckle down on your relatives? Is it relatives who are the hardest to get to use your chosen name?

 

Hi Batman! Thanks for weighing in.

So you think it's just kind of a thing they're doing because they never thought of me as 'that way' and they need to get used to it? I mean, being a tomboy was always acceptable and encouraged in my family, but trying to explain dysphoria is like banging my head against a wall.

So, you think it's best just to roll with it and let them know when they slip? That's what I was thinking too. Like, whoops! You called me XXX. I'm Nick these days remember in a nice way maybe?

I'm trying not to feel too bad about it, so many people's experiences are so much harder, it just seems so awkward to get a positive reaction but then this weird backpedaling!

Thanks for the encouragement

 

Hi Alex, you're right, people don't make perfect sense, none of us do.

I think it's a thing where finally, finally I am happy. My mom did say that, she said she had never heard me sound so happy as I did when I was explaining everything to her. Maybe that's why she was a little sad. Because she knew it was genuine and I'm not her 'little girl' anymore? Maybe she does need to adapt to it. She is happy I'm happy, so... you're right, I'll just take it calm and give them a chance to digest it...

 

I'm not quite sure why she asked me that. The conversation went pretty well in some ways. I'll explain.

My mom is six foot tall, only wears dresses and makeup for special occasions, otherwise wears men's clothes, and has gone by a male nickname her whole life. So, at one point when I was explaining genderqueer, she freaked out. She said, "Are you calling ME that?!?" And I said no, you said you're straight and that's cool (she's told me emphatically before that she is straight ok), you just don't don't express yourself to the extreme of the feminine binary. That's ok mom, I'm not calling you genderqueer. I'm genderqueer because, well, I'm queer, and expressing myself in a way that pushes the envelope. You know how I look kind of like, butchy? And she said, yes... I said you don't express yourself in a queer way, you're just kicked back and chill and not into being super feminine. I'm not calling YOU genderqueer. So she got freaked out that SHE was being called 'queer'. It was like while I was trying to explain myself to her, she was mirroring and internalizing everything I was saying onto herself.

The second part was dysphoria. I was trying to explain to her why it was so painful over the years to have had the developed lady chest parts, and how it isn't me, and I want to get rid of them, and she was telling me that she loves me for me, and I need to have good self esteem, and love myself as I am. So I tried to explain to her, remember how I used to duct tape them Mom? That's a dysphoria thing. They don't belong on me. She was shocked. Because I guess I fall slightly under the dysphoria/trans umbrella. She couldn't believe THAT part at all. She and my three sisters don't have full figure like I was cursed with, and they've complimented me and said how jealous they are my whole life, and it's frustrating explaining to them I DON'T WANT IT. She really thinks it's bad self esteem, or she wants to think it's bad self esteem. I told her I was going to have either a reduction or a top surgery and she wasn't very talkative about that, only said that I was going to need help with the kids.

So then I brought up the name issue. She said, well, I liked being able to have my boyish nickname and so that's why I gave you all feminine names that had boyish nicknames. I was like, what???? You did that on purpose? She says, yeah, I did that on purpose for you guys. So I said, well, I'm so glad you did, because I want to go by Nick from now on. And that's when she choked up, and said okay, but can't I use XXX? And I said, I would rather you not, I only want to go by Nick, spouse has been calling me only that, and it makes me so happy, and I will be so happy if you would only call me Nick.

She had to get off the phone pretty quickly after that. She told me how much she loved me but really gunned it after that point. I felt really guilty.

She's told me so many times how she picked my first and middle name, and how she looked up the meanings so they would go together, and one of the names was for a relative, and she had me as a teenager so I know picking those names meant so much to her. I'm her oldest and all she had for a long time, and when you say about the babyhood and all that, I meant a lot to her, I was her first and she wrote letters to me while she was pregnant, it was a big deal for her.

Ugh I'm going to type the names this once and then I won't type them again.

Nicole Elizabeth.

I want to go to : Nick Elijah, Nikk Eliza, perhaps. Something like that.

I think that it would keep the intent of my names, just give them the masculine/androgynous feel that I need.

OK so there's my word puke. Does putting the conversation in context help?

 

Hi Ronin!

Since I posted I got to talk to my other sister, who is gay and actually has an androgynous friend, and it was sooooooo awesome and relaxing talking to her. She actually was really interested and asked like the best questions. Like, what kind of compliments do you want to receive? How do you feel in your body? Like what awesome questions.

She said she had gone to visit mom the day after I had the conversation with her, and mom had seemed kind of distracted and sad, and that she was wondering what the heck was going on.

So yeah I think you guys hit the nail on the head. Mom is sentimental and needs time to adjust...

I like Ezra! I was also thinking, Elia maybe.

Nick Ezra
Nick Elia

I really like those two! I'm trying to pin down myself down. But also not trying too hard to figure it out, let it kind of develop on its own as I relax and let myself be me.

Once I figure it out for sure, I'm going to do the legal name change. I graduate college this fall and would really like my degree to be the same as my name.

Thanks Ronin

 

Hi Nyongo,

I just talked to a really open minded and supportive friend I've known for years and talked about the situation and introduced my request for the name. She kind of balked at 'Nick' and asked if she could call me another nickname. I just gave in and said as long as she doesn't call me Nikki or Nicole it was OK. It really isn't but I didn't feel to argue.

It seems, as I am trying this, that the longer someone has known you, even if they are open minded, the more difficult it seems to be for them to initially imagine calling you a different name.

It's been both uplifting (sure, of course! I'll call you whatever you want) and then frustrating (well that's okaaaaay but... can I still call you XXX) and it seems that it's almost unfair to be mad because they are not being outright rejective, just... I don't know, I just feel guilty sticking to my guns. I don't know how your experience will be but that has been mine so far.

Ronin,

Thank you I'm going to sit on them and see which one hatches

thank yall for your responses to me <3