(If I misuse any terms or am incorrect in their use, I apologize. I'm very new to all of this.) To begin, I am biologically a woman and was raised as such. I’ve always been a bit gender non-conforming, but I’ve never questioned myself and gender identity as much as I have in the last several days. The journey started in full force, niggling at the back of my mind, when a close friend came out as gay a few years ago. What I do want is to be honest with that friend, the world, and—most of all—myself. I present myself as female and often enjoy looking feminine. I have usually taken umbrage to being jokingly called a boy, even though I don’t look like one. It felt like my female-ness was being invalidated. I am not my ideal of female beauty (which isn’t exactly society’s ideal at present, either) and I usually don’t wear makeup (for mixed reasons of not being practiced, it sometimes bothering my eyes, and not wanting to take the time), so I think I’ve always felt a little less than because I often both don’t look and/or feel like I’m “supposed to” as a biological female identifying as the female gender. Yet denying the male/masculine part of me stings a bit. When I protest “I’m not a boy!”, deep down part of me is unrestful. It doesn’t sit right. What that means for me and to me is something that I’m just recently taking a hard look at. I’m trying to separate my likes and tastes from my feelings about my own gender and gender expression. I know that someone can be a biological female identifying as cisgender, but still enjoy superhero movies or video games or swords. The thing I’m most apprehensive about is deciding, “Yes, this term ‘genderfluid’ sounds like me. I will apply this term to myself,” then later I decide I was wrong, or don’t feel as strongly about things as I thought, and then retract the “coming out.” Then again, when I think about if I claimed genderfluidity and later retracted the term, I don’t feel right either. It feels like I wouldn’t be being honest with myself, then. I like the typically “male” hobbies—video games, swords, RPG-fantasy games, etc.—but I also like the typically “female” hobbies—shopping, getting my nails done, talking about cute guys, playing dating-sim games, etc. I’m in the midst of parsing out if that’s just my tastes and personality, or if that goes any deeper to my gender identity. The part I’m struggling with the most, I think, is the internal fight against the ingrained gender binary: “You’re a girl, or you’re a boy.” When I’m thinking, “I’m a female! A girl! A woman! Feminine!”, another little part of me feels left out. But if I think, “Fine. Then I’m masculine! I’m a boy!”, I know instantly that that’s definitely not right either. The exclamation “I’m both!” terrifies me, but feels more accurate than one side or the other. Acknowledging that I can be both, though, brings me back to the knee-jerk reaction of, “But no! You’re a girl, you’ve always been a girl, you like girly things! If you’re both, then you’re mostly masculine because that’s how it works, right?” This line of thinking brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph. I am biologically female, and I like being female. I prefer she/her/hers/herself pronouns—unless I’m presenting myself as a male in cosplay or an RPG game or writing exercises/roleplay. This brings me to the actual topic I intended to write about. This is the definition that set me on this path of soul-searching: When someone is genderfluid… • they can be anywhere on the boy to girl to agender spectrum • some days they might feel more masculine • some days they might feel more feminine • and some days they might feel more androgynous or agender • again, where they find themselves on the spectrum is not necessarily patterned For me, being genderfluid wouldn’t necessarily be about switching between being a girl and being a boy, as I know is the case for some people. It’s about feeling like a girl one day and then feeling androgynous/agender or a nice balance of both masculine and feminine the next. I’m definitely more over on the female/feminine side than the male/masculine side. I do sometimes look in the mirror and think of what I would look like as a boy. (And, in my opinion, I’d make a cute boy as well as being a cute girl.) It’s not that I feel uncomfortable in my female body, or that I’d rather have a male one. (I definitely like not being hairy, and I love my curves.) It’s just that sometimes I feel like my body has no bearing on who I am. It’s just there. I’m just me and my personality in a meatsuit, as they might say in the TV show Supernatural. Then there are times where I am super girly, and adore how cute a dress is on me or comment on how much I like someone’s manicure. When doing certain writing exercises, playing certain video games, or cosplaying, I definitely have taken on the persona of a man/male before, and really enjoyed when I felt believable. So there is that part, and I’m not sure what that means yet, if anything more than I like to act. Given all that, do I sound like I might be genderfluid? Overthinking things too much? Just confused? Any opinions, thoughts, anecdotes, or advice are very welcome.
I get where you're coming from with the fear of coming out and subsequently changing your mind. I actually did that, but thankfully everyone seemed to understand that it was just part of the process of me unravelling things I'd been trying to repress. If you feel like both at the same time, you could be bigender, but maybe also genderfluid? Pretty much any combination is possible, and how you define your gender is up to you, so if 'genderfluid' feels right by itself, that's fine. Just in case you want to have a look at more options, here's a flowchart of several possible gender identities:The Transgender Teen's Survival Guide • NB Flowchart Honestly though, gender is such a complex and individual thing that labels rarely fit 100% perfectly. Best of luck figuring things out
The way I see it, you could totally label as genderfluid. Even though I've come out as Genderfluid to those around me, I often question whether that's true or not, so I totally get what you're feeling. But genderfluid isn't just fluidity between male and female. Its a lot more than that. It can be between any gender you feel. It can be between female and demigirl or demiboy, female and agender, or really any combination. It really depends on who you feel you are, and what you're comfortable with. If you feel like you are genderfluid and like the label, then you are. Its as simple as that. Just because you aren't switching genders or devoted to being your label 100% of the time doesn't mean your gender isn't valid. Just find what is comfortable for you, and makes you happy.
Hey, just posting a reply to say you are not alone! It seems as if we feel pretty similarly about our gender(s) although most probably not exactly the same, we're all unique It's not until recently that I myself began questioning my gender, and it really is not an easy task! At the moment I'm liking the term genderflux for me personally, meaning that my gender identity changes in intensity over time - genderfluid but between gender neutral and a binary gender. I'm afab, and fluctuate between completely androgynous to demigirl to female and back again on a daily basis. It may be something you might wish to consider. That's just me though, do whatever feels right for you! If you have any questions, feel free to ask
Thank you, everyone! I've taken a breath, and a step back from my almost frantic need to find a label. I'm still on my own journey, but I know that I don't have to rush.
I don't really have any clear-cut answers for you but I wanted to say thank you so much for posting this, it's really helpful to see something I relate to so well. Thinking about gender opens up so many questions - personal, philosophical, biological, etc. - that it's not surprising that we're confused! It can get ridiculously complex. For what it's worth, I may be slightly further down the path than you and am slowly becoming more self-assured with identifying as genderfluid, if only in my own mind. I'm just taking it day by day, hoping that eventually something will settle and make sense. In terms of coming out, I think it's important to remember that you don't have to know for sure in order to tell people about it. You can say "I feel like this label might fit me now, but I'm not sure how I'll feel in the future". Some people might not get it but it's a perfectly valid way to feel. Anyway, good luck with your journey. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it more.
Wow ,,,just needed to read what everyone had to say. I'm totally content now being genderfluid. But struggled my whole life with the Dsyphoria. Wish I would've figured it out years ago. But now at least I'll be who am for the rest of life.
