So a lot happened in the last week for me...a lot happened. 1. Wednesday- LGBT topic raised in conversation with two others (one nice girl I had just met that day and a friend in my university study abroad group) and I came out to them as liking girls and questioning my gender. Both were really nice and accepting, and then I talked for about 2 hours with the girl from my university group. And she said she wanted/wants to help me in anyway she can with my gender and said she can even try using gender neutral/male pronouns when we're not with the group and she'll try to not call the group "les filles" :') 2. Friday: I got my hair cut. I finally did it. Its sort of David Tennant esque and I love it. But, it wasn't a magic cure to dysphoria... 3. Saturday: I heard one of the two names I'm considering for myself spoken out loud today. The girls were talking about baby names, and as a girl name (even though I thought it was mostly a guys name) 'Wesley' was said. The way my head immediately swung around when I heard it, you would have thought it was my name... Wesley... its seems like a guys name to me... and I could even have the nick name Wes. Anyways I just thought I'd post an update since I had mentioned my haircut to a few people on here. Hope everyone is doing well (*hug*)
I think these are some good steps forward for you. It's great this all happened in one week! As for the name Wesley, I didn't even know it was a girl's name. I've known two guys named Wess and Wesley. It always seemed pretty masculine to me.
@Jellah: Thanks haha, yeah I thought it was too, but then again this is coming from a girl with a boy's name (and apparently girl's named Wesley is a thing in the Southern U.S.) and @Tai: Thanks Congrats to you too! And yeah its good, and I know it was the right thing, no phantom hair syndrome. But, if its even possible I'm more dysphoric than ever. My hair seems to be drawing more attention than ever (and female complements: eg I look like Julie Andrews, say I look 'belle' and 'jolie' and 'mignon(cute)' which are only used for women in france at least with the extra 'e'. And now on top of that my physical dysphoria which was pretty much non existent before is terrible. My face (cheeks), chest, legs, feet, hands, voice..... you get the point. I knew what I was getting myself into cutting my hair, I knew I'd finally be seeing myself as a the guy that I am. But I wasn't expecting the depression and dysphoria to come on this strongly this quickly after the locks were chopped off...
I had the same problem, as soon as I started cutting my hair and making an effort to look masculine, it just became more obvious how feminine my features were. It sucks. I've always considered Wesley a boy's name too, never heard of any girls named Wesley. It's a good name though.
Oh, I had the phantom hair syndrome badly, but my hair was down to my waist anyways so it was probably the most drastic change possible. And I got very dysphoric at first, because everyone around me said stuff like "Oh, that's cute! Adorable! You look like a real woman now!" BRUH, stop calling me all these female adjectives, I don't like it. Of course, I couldn't say that, but it's what I was thinking. The social dysphoria that comes with female adjectives (to describe our haircuts) slims down after everyone starts getting used to it, but that first day (for me, it was at school, surrounded by people that see me every day) is pretty tough. Even though, thinking consciously, we know the haircut is just a small - yet important - step towards transition and passing... we still have this thought lingering in the subconscious that expected more and is still unsatisfied with the result. Desperately wishing that it was the magic cure to passing. However, after about two weeks I started to get over the shock of "OH NO IT'S NOT MASCULINE ENOUGH AND IT MAKES ALL OF MY FEMININE FEATURES COME OUT AND PEOPLE STILL THINK I'M A GIRL" (because that was along the line of my thoughts). I plan to ask the hairdresser for a more masculine cut next time.
Thats rough, I'm sorry man. Yeah, mine was like mid chest length, so it was a super drastic change too, but I wore my hair up pretty much 24/7 (okay minus sleeping) for the past 8 years of my life. So the only time its weird for me is showering and waking up, its so cold now in the morning. (But I could just be distracted by the sort of sub par quality of the hair cut...razor burn, missed spots, choppy) Oh my gosh yeah, female descriptors are the worst. Also the times when your stuck in conversations about bra's, shark week, or anything relating women's groups or assumptions that you are female... at least thats what gets me... Even though my features look feminine, I just see a prepubescent boy in the mirror (now with less shaggy hair). Yeah, I just had my strange "everyone one can tell I'm a guy now" moment, panicked at the thought that everyone knows, and caked my face in make-up in an attempt to see if I could still pose as female if I still wanted the security of my female mask to hide behind, and yeah I can. It's much more androgynous though but I really like that... That's a good plan :icon_wink I hope things go well for you : ) -----edit added about name---- haha, yeah. I stumbled across the name on a name list from like the 50's or something like that, and I really liked it. And then I remembered that it's a name in princess bride and it made me smile. Love that movie
Congrats! Yeah, that was a lot indeed... 1. That's a major step forward, and I'm glad it went well. We tend to judge people too quick, sometimes they are more accepting than we imagine. 2. Finally, the haircut :icon_wink . Sounds good, the Tennant style. Naw, haircut is not a magic spell against dysphoria, but it's a major help. Another step forward. And now to wash your hair will be like 5-10 minutes, then stylish a bit if you like, done... It takes me 2 minutes to wash my hair, and it's so short I don't even bother with the hairdryer... Also there is not much to style... Bit of wax and it's done. How many hours of our lives did we spent washing that long hair?! I don't want to think about it... 3. That sounds like you've found your name. You could make a new email adress, just to use that name everyday and see if you like it.
They probably think that they're helping you by telling you how feminine and pretty you look, so I wouldn't take it too much to heart. They'll say that even if you don't look very feminine. Ironically enough, sometimes I feel less dysphoria when I'm in drag, because it's like I'm someone else, like playing a role. Sometimes it feels that the closer I get to my "real" self, the more dysphoric I get, because I don't look like the person I want to be. One of my worst dysphoric episodes came when I was a young teen, back when I had short hair and dressed like a boy without thinking much about it. One day I looked into a mirror and realised that I didn't look the way I felt inside, and I probably never would. I didn't look like a teenage boy, at least not a cool one, and major dysphoria hit. I actually started wearing makeup and going "punk" after that, and it helped to be able to put on that mask. Have you thought about trying to hang out with some of the guys instead of the girls, or are the genders too separated in the part of France you're in? If you're open about liking girls and dress the part, the guys might accept you as one of them. It might be less dysphporic than hanging out with the girls, especially since guys usually don't comment on stuff like hairstyles.
Thanks DragonHerz (*hug*) Yeah, I'm trying hard to keep that in mind. So thanks for the reminder (*hug*) And yeah it calmed me down a bit knowing that I can still hide behind the mask of make-up if I want. Perhaps I'll try the "dressing in drag" mentality for a bit and see if that helps. It might be a more subtle shift back into classes on monday if I wear make up/ look more fem. Haha, oh and the guys. What men do you speak of? There are no guys here. . . I'm not joking. The study abroad program that I came over with is "all girls" and there are mandatory things we do together - and I love the activities and sights we see, just not the being called the girls and treated like a group of girls... (but at least now it helps a little knowing one person knows...) I do have a host brother and he's cool, and I'm slowly trying to get to know him but he's in high school and pretty preoccupied with his own stuff. And in the international classes, I've seen maybe 6 guys in the international program of about 50. And there's "only one guy" in my class level. The professor loves commenting on that too. (oh and this same prof that everyone loves, loves making ignorant comments about transgender people...) Also I have to make a very conscious effort to make female agreement when I write in first person, otherwise the professor marks me down ... a few days ago he suggested I might want to switch levels because I seem to be struggling with agreement, which is a level 1 thing, not level 4 :bang: But I've got my bestie back at home and he's awesome and supportive, unfortunately we are struggling to find a time to chat, but thats okay. I'll be okay, it will all be okay. I know it will.
Tardiss211B : I like your new haircut. But I had been trying, and succeeding, to grow out my hair, long, for about two years. Finally, I decided to get it trimmed, but left the back of it to grow out more. And then it happened....... my mother and her butcher friend came to visit me.....and cut all of my beautiful long hair off. Now, I look like a fucking six year old BOY. I hate this haircut. And it won't grow back. Jaymegurl
