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What is 'ordinary curiosity'?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by jenben, Feb 23, 2015.

  1. jenben

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    I need to make some sense of my thoughts. I've been questioning my gender identity recently and I've reached a point where I'm just stuck in the same thought pattern going round and round. My mind is kind of in half and half. One half is presenting all this 'evidence,' while the other keeps thinking what if I'm just taking perfectly normal feelings of curiosity and blowing it up out of proportion or maybe I'm just over-thinking things. Honestly I just have no idea which half is right. But I think writing some of it down and getting an outside opinion would be a good idea.

    Okay so I only recently started to actually question gender and all of these are thoughts and feelings I remember having, but that I always attributed to just ordinary curiosity, like wondering what it would be like to be a boy/have a penis.

    As a child I knew boys had penises and girls had vaginas, boys stood up to pee while girls sat. I knew I was a girl because I had a vagina and not a penis, that seemed pretty straightforward. I was curious though, especially about the peeing. I could see pretty clearly from the differences in male and female genitals why there was the difference in sitting/standing, but I wanted to stand and sometimes I'd try to think of methods, like maybe if I stood sort of over the toilet or something. I guess maybe I was just envious that boys could do something that I couldn't, I don't know.

    I can't remember exactly when I first heard of transsexual, but it was probably from documentaries on tv. After that I had some vague knowledge about sex change operations, that it had something to do with changing a penis into a vagina (for MtF) and presumably vice versa (for FtM), although I think most documentaries and stuff focused on MtF. Again I would wonder what it would be like to have a penis and I remember asking myself if I would want surgery like that. I decided I wouldn't, since I figured it wouldn't feel like a real penis would. And anyway to do so you had to be transsexual and as far as I was concerned I wasn't, since in all the stories I'd heard the person said they had always had some strong feeling they were the opposite gender, which I hadn't, so I figured I was just an ordinary girl and just curious. I'd still occasionally go over the same thoughts again, but always just gave myself the same conclusion.

    Another thing is that I've often had an envy of characters that can 'gender swap.' For example in series 3 of Misfits, when there's a character with a power to change between having a male body or a female body at will. I really wanted to have a power like that and it seemed frustrating that I couldn't. I had similar feelings about any fictional things that would in some way allow someone to inhabit the body of the opposite gender, even if it was just morphing into someone else (like polyjuice potion in Harry Potter). I just always wanted to try out being a boy, just so that I could see, so I could know.

    More recently, I can't remember how, but I came across the idea of clitoris enlargement. I was immediately interested in the idea, knowing that the clitoris is constructed from the same type of tissue as a penis, I thought maybe if it were enlarged enough it would be kind of like a penis-ish. I got a bit obsessed with the idea and researched it about it. I found there were three methods pumping, taking testosterone and using topical androgen creams. I thought I'd try the pumping, but I was unsure about buying that kind of thing online and the closest thing I could find in sex shops where I live was nipple pumps, so I tried with those but it didn't really work and I ended up accidentally injuring myself (thankfully not permanently, it healed after a few days), so I gave up. I did think about it again and researched about the creams, but it didn't seem like there was any easy way to get it. Like you'd probably need a prescription and there was no way that was going to happen, like "Hey doc. I wanna see if enlarging my clitoris would make it more penis-y, so is there any way I can get some androgen cream type stuff? Oh and I'm totally not questioning my gender or anything, not at all. No really, I just want a penis. You know just out of normal curiosity and stuff, just see what it would be like and all. I mean some cis women enlarge their clitoris because it's small and they struggle to orgasm because of it. I don't have a problem in that area, but you know...penis..." Yeah, that wasn't going to fly, plus I also read about possible side effects and whatnot and decided to just give up on the idea again. At this point I still hadn't really begun to question my gender identity, although it wasn't long after that I did start looking into different gender identities, having heard about non-binary genders.

    There is more but I think this post has gone on long enough. I'm sorry for the wall of text. This pretty much sums up the stuff I thought/felt before I started to question my gender and that I always palmed off as just curiosity. Thoughts?
     
  2. Michael

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    First... That was a wall of text, allright... :wink:

    Now, seriously... There is nothing wrong with being curious about your true gender.
    To get to know yourself is actually the most important thing, after all you've got to spend the rest of your life living with that person inside of you.

    So first... Stop thinking that there is rules or any obligation in being normal. The sooner you get rid of that, the better. Everyone is different in some way, and there is a right to be different. Besides... How are you different when you are next to people just like you, also questioning? You are not the only person on earth questioning right now.

    Ok, there is some transfolks who feel like you about the penis. One good start would be to try a STP, and let those experiments about clit enlargement : You were lucky that time, but better not to keep your guardian angel too busy.

    And then there is other transfolks who think that they can live without the penis. For them it's all about the presentation, passing, and so on... You've got different options to express yourself here.

    The point is that only wanting the penis puts you somehow inside the trans spectrum, but doesn't mean that you need to define yourself as a transman.

    What about clothing? Have you experimented with clothes? And have you tried packing or wearing a strap-on?
     
  3. jay777

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    This is a process.
    You could gather some information... think about it, apply some, try out a few things...

    Here is a thread with questions etc...
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164514-i-dont-know-anymore.html#2

    Just take the time you need...

    (*hug*)

    Oh and if you are from the UK, you could have a look at the site of the mermaids. Its for transgender people, they have contact information there with thriving communities in the UK. So know you are not alone .
     
    #3 jay777, Feb 24, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2015