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In need of some advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by NekoAlex, Feb 26, 2015.

  1. NekoAlex

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Bulgaria
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, recently I came out as transgender to my roommate, with who I'm very close. She said that she doesn't understand it and it sounds pretty crazy to her, but she accepts me who I am and will support me in my transition and that she already felt like there might be something like this, because it was pretty obvious. Although, she said this, she also said that she is used to perceive me as female and she just can't start calling me by my preffered name and pronouns. She is still calling me with my birth name and uses female pronouns, adjectives and verbs(we use gendered language) and I use male ones when I'm with her and it feels awkward. It's like she doesn't take me seriously and judging from her believes, she won't accept me as a real man before I get "the right parts". She even told me that in the moment she sees me as "something in between", because I still have a female body. I thought that if I tell her I will feel better, because I will be able to be myself, but I actually feel worse, because of all this. I don't know if she needs time to get used to it or she just thinks I'm crazy. This is the first time I come out to someone in real life and I'm not sure if I did the right thing.
     
  2. JooBooGoo

    Regular Member

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    You probably get this a lot but you do not need the "right parts" to be considered a man and if you consider yourself male than your friends need to respect that. If you haven't already talked to your friend about this, you need to tell her in a serious tone to take you seriously.
    And if this continues than I would say she is not a real friend, since a real friend would at least give you the dignity you deserve during this difficult time.
    I would consider going to a QSA if your school has one or talking to a (trans-friendly) counselor.
    And hey, you have already taken a first step by joining this website!
     
  3. Tardis221B

    Regular Member

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    Congrats on coming out to your roommate! That's a huge step, but I'm sorry to hear she isn't respecting your pronouns and name.

    Coming out as trans takes time for people (family, friends, and even acquaintances) to adjust to. I know its hard when you've reached a point to clarity in your own identity, finally everything makes sense, and you begin to use the correct pronouns and your chosen name when talking to yourself in 3rd person in your head (or maybe that last part is just me :icon_wink). But my point is, it even takes us time to adjust to the idea, so try to be patient with your friend she likely just needs some time to adjust to the perceived change.

    That doesn't necessarily mean let her misgender you or call you the wrong name, but gently correct her when she slips up. Even though we might have always felt like our gender identity was a bit "off" before knowing we are trans, other people often didn't have this hunch, and it will likely take time, patience, and education for them to catch up to speed with us even if they want to be supportive.

    If she continues mis gendering you, maybe explain the aspects of social dysphoria a little bit more, and let her know how being called those pronouns and names hurts, even if it is well intended. Coming out as trans is a process. The first step is telling someone, but then, we have to be patient and show them the ways that we want be treated.

    But if being around her gets to be too exhausting, draining, or painful, its okay to limit your contact with her. Try to branch out into LGBTQ+(emphasis on the T) friendly spaces. Having people who respect your pronouns and name will definitely help to make things more bearable.


    I hope your friend starts respecting your pronouns and name soon (*hug*)
     
    #3 Tardis221B, Feb 27, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2015
  4. GrumpyOldLady

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    365
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Even changing nicknames can be difficult for people to get used to, much less changing gender. On top of that, I don't think a lot of people know much about being trans. I know I didn't before I came here. Do you think she'd be willing to read up on it if you gave her a link or printed something out, so that she could understand you better?

    There's a bunch of links to basic information under http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...nformative-threads-links-gender-identity.html