So, I feel like I've finally come to terms with who I am and what I need to do to be truly happy. I have also realized that it will be harder than I originally thought. My mom and step dad aren't as supportive as I thought. They're ok with gay people, but they don't have any experience with trans people. This has caused them to be a little transphobic, but they don't realize what they're saying or who it's hurting. My step dad is uncomfortable with Bruce Jenner's situation, but he works with a trans woman (who he is very respectful to and accepting). That makes no sense to me. My mom refers to the woman he works with by both genders because she doesn't know which one to say. I try to politely say, "She's a woman," but it never sinks in. I guess I haven't taken a step back in a long time and actually realize how stressed out I am. I guess I'm feeling kind of like an idiot. I feel stupid for trying to adjust my life so that I'm comfortable with what I have and I haven't come out to my parents. It stresses me out more than I thought it did to have to respond to my birth name and pronouns (at school mainly). I've been getting so angry lately at myself, asking why I couldn't have just been a cis guy. I don't think it's fair. I've had enough stuff to deal with in my short life and I can't just be comfortable with the body I was born with. I love binding. It makes me feel so much better, but it makes me feel like a female-bodied person even more. Every time I move, I can feel the restricting sports bra and it makes me feel so fake. It does flatten, but not to the extent that I feel 100% fine with it. I can't just tell myself they're pecs, like other trans guys. My brain refuses to think that. Packing also makes me feel better, but I have to give it up for a week every month! Being pre-everything is pure hell. I don't know how most people have made it through. I feel like a mix-and-match doll that went horribly wrong. I have a female face with male eyebrows, very prominent female hips, a boy-like haircut, and an awful voice that switches between female and a high-pitched guy voice. I'm sprouting thick, dark chin hairs! What is this?! If someone came to me and said I could start transition now (T, top surgery, correct pronouns, etc.), but I would have to leave my family and live somewhere else I would do it. I'm sick of having to wear girl clothes most of the week because I haven't really curated my male wardrobe effectively. I don't know what the point of all of this was. I guess I just needed to vent finally. I'm getting yelled at by my parents almost daily. I have to just suck it up and keep my mouth shut at school. None of my friends really understand what I'm dealing with. I just want to talk to and get advice from people who know what it feels like to be trans. I feel like I'm the only one in this town that is trans. No one, that I know, has any issue with gender identity.
Whatever makes you feel better is good, and I'm glad you finally found yourself. I'm also under stress right now, still I'm going to try my best for you. I'll answer this in reverse if you don't mind, last things first... The truth is that you don't know this for sure. Conflicts with gender identity tend to be supressed, ignored or both. People turn to alcohol, food, sex, fights, debts... You name it... At the end it's all a drug to numb the pain. That wino over there might be as conflicted as you, and worse : He might be in denial, that's the real reason why he (or she) drinks. You don't know that for sure. He also might be gay. He might also be both... Nowadays there is more information, but not enough and not in the places that could really make a difference. Schools (at least the few ones I went to) never mention the question of gender. They might touch a bit of feminism, and treat your girl right, and don't call the girls names, or whatever... But they won't tell you that girl might not feel like a girl, he might feel like a boy... No way... That means that people is still experiencing gender issues, but they don't give it a name, and they rarely talk about it. Same with orientation, but the LGB folks are way more accepted than trans. There is no way to know for sure how many LGBTs are in your town right now, next to you... So it's up to you what to imagine. But the true question you posted (I think...) is that you miss having a physical reference where you live, a person you can see and speak to?... There is not much you can do about it, except leaving the town later. Or getting in touch with that transwoman. I'm sure she'll be a little bit more understanding than your folks. You can give it a try, just approach her, tell her and see how it goes... This was my life back then... The nuns called my parents and tell them they had to separate me from my (male) friends, and force me to play with girls. I've been under a lot of pressure since I'm a child. There is only two options : You take it or you stand up for yourself. Neither of them is easy. I got yelled when I was a teen for reasons totally unrelated to gender (I'm your average black sheep, plus I've got a damn fine tonge). My mother and I even got physical and had not been my stepfather there, it would have ended badly for both. I was very foolish back then, and she was going through a difficult divorce, it was an explosive combination, her and me... (It still is, sadly) You need a place where you can feel free, at peace, and be able to go there anytime to scape that hell you are in. It's better to confront the beast, but if you are not sure of the result, just go away to avoid being damaged... Fight or fly, you know... I used to spend most of my time outside with friends, at coffee shops, or at libraries. Not sure right now where are you living now, but if you have some forest near you, or some park, you can try to be there for a couple of hours or more. Just grab your backpack, a nice book, your walkman (well, your mp3 player), and go for a walk on your own, just to chill... If they ask you where you are going, you don't need to tell them the whole truth (only if you are a minor, in that case you should have on your backpack a cellphone, just in case). People only can hurt you psychologically if you let them to, so... Shields up. And never, ever let it show. My mother started to learn only when I showed her I didn't gave a fuck. I showed her by not joining her game, answering at her yelling with the calmest voice, being sarcastic and whatever-you-say... At the end I even enjoyed that, 'cause she went really mad here until she realized it was useless with me. It might hurt people, but it's better to hurt them than to let them hurt you. Still... If you can avoid anyone being hurt, please do it. I regret a lot of what I said back then... Check de-escalation techniques. Oh, this is a big one, you need to take care of this asap... Sell stuff if you need to get money to buy clothes, try second hand stuff, whatever... This can really make your life hell, trust me : Clothing is not just clothing. Also get rid of girly parfumes. Steal stuff from your father and put it on yourself. You need to do this, to keep the man inside you happy, in order to keep sane. Such stuff is out of the question for me, if you want to know why just pm me, my opinion is too radical and I don't want to start a flamewar or trigger anyone. You could just wear nothing (at least when you are at home, on your own) and see how it feels. To wear binders, pack, and all that is a compromise, a workaround, not a permanent solution (at least not for everyone). The question is... What works better for you? Try everything, and then... Think that it could be worse, 'cause you know it could be... There is no need to think about what you don't have : If you want to survive this, you are going to need strenght, and being negative or wishing something you don't have is stealing you strenght. Where does all that energy go to? It's not working in your favour... Make an effort to stop such thinking patterns. Ok, my turn now, I'm going to rant too... I'm also stressed. 'Cause inside of me I'm feeling great, and I love myself to death right now... Finally, after all these years of self-hate. I'm eating a ton of proteins, doing sport, and hitting on (gorgeous) women like the horny and creepy son of the bitch that I am (and have been all my life). I am not hating myself for wasting 20 years of my life, 'cause (after a lot of work) I've finally forgiven myself. How could I have known? And to bitch about it, that is not going to give me back my 20 years and my missed opportunities... I'm glad I've found out at 30, and not at 60, I'm grateful... The trouble is that what is inside of me, the man I am, is a... Well, it's someone who is not going to take it, and at times I am someone who is compensating for you know what... I'm someone who is pissed off, and needs lots of physical exercise, 'cause otherwise I'm at high risk of getting into troubles. They describe transitioning as a second puberty, and I think that is true at so many levels. I'm aware that there is an angry teenager inside of me, and when you are 32 years old, this is not a good sign, this means I still need to do a lot of work on myself. This work was meant for my teenager years, those years that I spent dying with dysphoria and trying basically to numb myself. You've got the chance to do this job now. It's in your own hands to do a damn fine job, and be proud about yourself later, or simply let the opportunity pass... You can't go through life beating and insulting, even if you could get away with it, it would be just plain wrong. Also you can't go through life accepting the role of the victim, and let them bring you down. Facts...They don't understand you.You've tried to explain it, and they still don't get it... Fine... You need to move on, just stop giving a fuck, take the active role and take control of how you feel and how you deal with it. Call them fools by now if you wish, call them insensitive, call them crazy... Don't bring you down yourself, 'cause the world is going to do that job anyways, don't make it easier for them... Try to be your own master : Make an effort to find out what works best for you in order to calm yourself down, make yourself happy... And please don't take this bad, but sex can be something very rewarding, let your imagination run free, imagine all kinds of nasty stuff... Just enjoy life, your life... Be mad, brave, daring and wild. Be a fucking animal, and let it all out... And try to make yourself laugh, really laugh, everyday. Roaring laughter is the best medicine. (Well, there is nothing like good sex, but to laugh is usually quicker...) (*hug*)
Besides the packing, I relate with you completely. My parents... I think they want to be supportive, but they're kind of ignorant about trans issues and they also can't handle the thought that I'm male. They're completely fine with LGB people, though, which led me to believe they would be supportive of me. And binding makes me even more dysphoric. None of my friends know how much this sucks (although my friend is doing a great job of being supportive and trying to understand).
Whew! Thank you so much, Vodkabaret. I feel like I learned a lot from your response. I think you're definitely right about the clothes. I've been thinking about asking one of the friends I'm out to (the more supportive one) if she wanted to go to the mall, so I could look at only guy clothes. I feel too pressured to look at girl clothes with family around. As far as the getting away for a few hours you mentioned, I don't know why I haven't thought of that before. I'm definitely going to have to start doing that. It's absolutely perfect. You both talked about how LGB people are more accepted than T people. I want to get to the bottom of that because the acronym has four letters, so why is 75% of that accepted more? It leads me to believe there is some suppressed morality thing with gender identity more-so than there is with sexuality. You would think sexuality would be more taboo. At least, that's what I would think. Who knows? The world is funny that way. And Tai, I completely get the whole "My friend is trying to be supportive, but doesn't really get it," thing. A friend, that I am out to, still refers to me as a girl when I have told her to quit. That's all we need: one friend who just gets it, unquestioningly. I have wanted to talk to the trans woman my step dad works with, but I'm nervous that that would be a dead give away. I know she would know. LGBT people have a knack for sniffing out other LGBT people.
I think trans people are less accepted because it's new. Well, not new as in when it started, but new as in people becoming aware and learning about it. People, as a group, do not adapt to change very well. And coming out of the closet as a completely different gender is a big change. Also, my friend is learning. She said that she would call me by my chosen name if I wished (though I can't right now, because I'm not out to the school). She is the most supportive cis person I have in my life right now. But it still would be a lot easier if I had a trans friend who experienced it all with me and we could help each other along. If you want to talk to that transwoman and get some advice, she will eventually know anyways, right? I'd say go for it, because any help should be welcomed. Hopefully she's kind and understanding.
It's the 75% of the acronym, but the 50% (or maybe the 25% ) of what we are really talking about. Gender is much more a political question than your orientation. We live on a society obsessed with binary stuff : Black or white, good or bad, left or right... You name it. There is this need to identify gender, as quick as possible, and to western civilization it's hard to conceive there can be more than two options, or even that somebody has the right to decide. Biology is seen as something that defines gender, and about this error the feminists would be able to talk for hours... This society needs a clear distinction between men and women to preserve itself. I think that the real problem is that the society we live in is stuck on what they call the Patriarchy. This is the main force that tries to keep everyone stuck on the gender they had at birth. The men, because they need to prove they are men at all times, for the rest of their lives. Manhood is never "definitely proven". The women are stuck as well, because they are meant only to give birth, and when they try to do something different than act as mothers they risk not being taken seriously. Women, on the other hand, had their feminity proven when they get their first period. They hear "You are a woman now", so they have nothing more to prove. This might be also the reason why they seem more passive, while men just can't stop trying to conquer, build stuff and so on. Everyone who tries to oppose this idea of their gender, or dared to step out, is going to face rejection : Gays "acting feminine", lesbians "being butch"... That's why pretty much the whole of the LGBT faces rejection, but in the case of trans, you need to remember that being trans doesn't seem to be as common. And the idea of your biology being the ruler of your life/destiny. So being transgender is also being against "your destiny" (a.k.a. being against "god's will"). (the argument is invalid by the way 'cause if you believe in god, you should also assume that it was god who made you transgender too, right?) You can transition all you want, but what is on your chromosomes (among other stuff) will remain the same, which makes really hard to convince some people that you are a real man or woman. That is the real reason why people go on stealth later. Ok, no more walls of text :lol:
