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What am I?? What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by pointofnoreturn, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. pointofnoreturn

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    So recently I've been feeling this male presence inside of me. His name is Jamie. It just came to me slowly, seemingly out of nowhere along with an image: what looked to be a brown eyed boy. He wasn't muscular per se, or looked like a typical guy, but I knew with one vision that he was definitely a guy.
    I'm a girl, have always identified as one, and although I'm on the butchier side of the female spectrum occasionally I wear makeup and jewelry and even a dress.
    I don't understand why I am feeling this now. And, along with his name and image, a very strong feeling came: I wanted to be Jamie. I still do; there are times where people will call me by my birth name- Amy- and I'll think no, that's not me; and times where I'll see someone looking at me and think that they're not really seeing me.
    Please help me; I've never felt this before and I don't know what to do. People have been suggesting bigender or genderfluid but I looked up the former and it doesn't apply. Neither does the latter. Took the COGIATI- it's a gender identity test- and got androgynous.
    What the hell do I make of all this?:help:
     
  2. AsheTheHuman

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    First off, there's nothing wrong with you.
    Second off, I wouldn't put more weight in the COGIATI than I would a "Which Pokemon are You?" personality test. They can be fun to take, sure, but they almost never mean anything.
    Now then. Labels are often deemed necessary, but I'll tell you something I learned when I was searching for mine. They aren't. Don't stress out too much trying to find the one that fits and just try being you and finding out what makes you comfortable. Labels add a sense of community, but there are many that forgo labels entirely.
    Also, it's entirely possible to be trans* and still be in touch with other gender. There are even some members of the trans* community that are drag queens and kings! There are some on this very site in fact!
    I think now is a very good time for you to explore yourself and find what makes you comfortable. You are also very lucky to be on a site with a large number of trans people with varying experiences, stories, and labels. If you have any questions, feel free to ask away! I'd be happy to answer any, and I'm sure that if you have a more specific question to ask a MAAB individual, that there's someone here willing to answer as well! Good luck~
     
  3. pointofnoreturn

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    What is MAAB, and DFAB? I'm pretty familiar with gender lingo, but not that familiar:wink: I keep getting this urge to try binding my chest, dressing in boy role, etc- but I haven't done anything yet because it scares me. And also I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill.
    thanks for the help... I like your screen name, btw:slight_smile:
     
  4. shota

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    This is so normal cause I'm also feeling this way oh yea it's called being a transgender male I felt it half of my life now and as I got in my teenagers years I've learn that it was called transgender aye pointofmoreturn be you but you should really think about it cause I mean you do have pals that feel the same way you do
     
  5. AsheTheHuman

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    MAAB= Male assigned at birth
    DFAB= Female assigned at birth
    I meant DFAB earlier.
    Anyways. Taking steps is always scary. It was scary for me the first time I put on make up, when I first wore a skirt, even now as I'm preparing to start take hormones. Experimenting with things like binding isn't making a mountain out of a molehill, it's... Experimenting. There's nothing wrong with it.
     
  6. pointofnoreturn

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    It's only wrong in the sense that I don't know for sure, and I don't really know how to hide this from my family other than not telling them....and...and...
    I'm a scholar. I thrive on knowledge, and I crave control because on top of everything else I'm disabled. Most people barely see me as a person/girl, let alone an attractive one, and losing control like this- that is, being unsure of something I know I've always been sure of- is terrifying.
     
  7. pointofnoreturn

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    I can't experiment... I can't keep disappointing my parents like this. I need to be a girl, and to try harder, because I AM NOT A GUY. I am not genderfluid or bigender or anything except female. The more I present and bind the more I will want to be a guy, and I simply can't do that to my family, even though I want to. I'm sorry for wasting all of your time.
     
  8. Queero

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    Jamie, I know what it is to push yourself to be what people want of you, what will make people happy.

    It's fine to try and make people happy, but not if in doing so you make yourself miserable, or hide who you really are.

    You have to live for yourself, and you have to love yourself even when it feels like nobody else does.
     
  9. pointofnoreturn

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    But living for myself is selfish. It's inconsiderate, and I've been inconsiderate for far too long.
     
  10. Queero

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    It's not fair to lie to yourself though. In the end, it is your decision and no one else's.
     
  11. pointofnoreturn

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    But honesty means that I would lose my family, or at the very least be misunderstood and unaccepted by them; unlike most kids my age I believe in morality. I don't think my parents' ideas should be disregarded just because they don't line up with what I want. I want to experiment, and I want to be openly gay because I'm not ashamed but I also want my family at my wedding, and I want them present when I have kids, and I don't know if I can deal with not having them in my life for the sake of my own happiness because I love them a hell of a lot more than I have EVER loved myself. And yeah, I wish I didn't have to make a choice like this but choice is inevitable, and regardless of whether I make it now or later it will haunt me.:tears:
     
  12. pointofnoreturn

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  13. Michael

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    At the end it's your decission how you define yourself.