But I'm not entirely sure. This is my first post on the site, and will likely be long, so I apologize. I just want to get all the thoughts I'm having out there. I'm not sure entirely where to start, so this will likely be all over the place and not worded very well, so again I apologize. I'm 15 years old and was born a male. I was okay with this and just continued living normally. But the past few months or so I've been wondering about that. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but something just clicked in my head and I started reading a bit about transgenderism (not sure if that's a word, but I think you get what I mean) and began having some slight thoughts that this could describe me as I did have a bit of a desire to be female. But I just decided not to pursue it any farther, as I didn't think it meant much of anything and would likely pass, so I just didn't think much about it for the most part. This was until this past week or so though, where the thoughts suddenly came back much stronger. I've tried to just ignore them again, but I can't get my mind on anything else no matter what I do. I just have a strong want to be female and just feel like I should be. I haven't been happy in years (I've never been officially diagnosed with depression, but I think I have it), but when I picture myself as a female in my mind, I just feel happy and content (until reality sets in again). I'm into various things that could be considered "girlish" (I guess is how to put it). My favorite colors are purple & pink, I love painting my nails, I wear a decent amount of jewelry whenever I go out (it's all unisex if that means anything), there's tons of make up I'd like to try, and some would consider some of my TV shows for a female audience (though I'd say they're ridiculous for that). I've thought and told myself that I can still like all this and be male, but my desire is still there despite that, and I feel like I'd be more comfortable doing that as a female. I'm also just really not comfortable with my current body and haven't been for years. Before I thought that maybe dieting, working out, or both might make me look better and I'd like my body more. But no matter how into shape I got, I just still wasn't happy with my body and just kind of gave up trying last year (I'm still in alright shape, but I could certainly be better). So I tried thinking of specific stuff I'm unhappy about my body with, and I came up with a few. A major thing is my facial hair which I hate and wish would go away. I can't stand shaving, but I still do it as much as I can just so I can have as little facial hair as possible. I developed an Adam's Apple (I believe is the correct term) early last year and have never felt comfortable with it. Even though it's not hugely noticeable, I still just hate knowing it's there and often hang my head down so I don't have to see it or make someone else see it. My genitals aren't quite a big deal for me, but for months any time I get an erection, I just get a bit upset and wish it'd stop doing that, to the point I have wished I didn't have it (I apologize if that sentence was inappropriate for this site). And not quite body-related, but I can't stand hearing my voice and try to talk as little as possible so I don't have to. My thoughts are always in a different voice, and while it's not quite a female voice, it's definitely a feminine voice. Only thing about my body I actually like is my hair (on top of my head), and my eyelashes (I've been told I have eyelashes women would kill for, which actually makes me smile). I had a conversation with someone the other day about what celebrity you'd want to look like, and while I just threw out a male that sounded like a good answer, but I couldn't think of any males that I actually wanted to look like. There's plenty I find attractive, but I've never seen a male I actually would want to look like. Meanwhile I could think of a few women I wouldn't mind looking like. It's not a thing of me being attracted to them (I am attracted to some women, but I'm attracted to some men too, yet I don't want to look like them), I just want to look like them and feel kind of jealous when I look at them. I've also noticed that I've never really liked being called things that would be calling me a male. I've always hated "dude" and anytime someone uses it, I tell them to never call me that again. I can put up with stuff like Mr, Son, handsome (I think a female could be called this, but I believe it's traditionally for males), or even my real name (which I don't want to reveal), but I never really liked being called them. Only thing I've ever truly liked being called was "Cannon" or "The Cannon", which thankfully most people do. People have occasionally mistaken me for a female online before, but I've never had a problem with it. I've noticed that in pieces of fiction, I seem to usually identify and relate with female characters more. I do have some male characters I'm that way with, but it's usually more females. And in video games, I usually always prefer playing as a female character. I have no problem playing as a male (my choices would be pretty limited if I did), but if I have the choice, I'm pretty much always going to take female. I've never felt much this way when I was a young child though. I did always feel at least a little out of place, but it never felt like a gender issue. There is some stuff from childhood I remember that could fit in with this though. I remember around the age of 4 I would watch TV with the other kids, and we'd call out what character we were (it made sense at the time). While not always, I would take female characters. I remember having an interest in some toys that would be considered for girls and not thinking much of it, but it was only a few things here and there. And I remember one time going McDonald's because I wanted some toy they had, but you could only get it for a girl, so I asked my grandmother to lie and say I was a girl. She didn't do it and I was upset though. Despite all this though, I just can't bring myself to fully say I'm transgender. As I said before, these thoughts have only really come in recently with me not really feeling them before, so what if they just go away just as easily and I was going through all this for nothing? I went through something similar a while ago when I was wondering if I was bisexual. I had begun being attracted to guys but mostly ignored the thoughts until I couldn't anymore. After that I kept making up excuses to delay it, but I eventually just stopped and realized & accepted I was bi. I'm wondering if this is the same situation or if it'll turn out different. That's really everything I can think of to say right now on the subject, why I'm feeling this way and what some past things in my life might have to do with this. Truthfully I'm not sure what I hope to get from writing all this, I just thought that getting everything I'm feeling out there would help, and some opinions from people with more knowledge and/or experience with this subject would help. So, if you're still here, thank you for reading this long and I apologize for it being so long and unorganized. I also feel like I might have said something offensive, so if I did I apologize. That was not my intention at all. Now, do you have anything to say that might help me with this?
As a transgender girl, I relate to a lot of this. I also don't have too many childhood experiences that I could point to that indicate I'm trans. But as I've been experimenting more and more, and getting in touch with my femininity, I've realized that I never want to go back to being a boy. Do you have any questions for me? I'd be happy to answer them.
Wow. This is something that I too can relate to. Actually, this feeling is one of the reasons I've come back to this site, because this is the place where I worked out my sexuality (mostly worked it out, anyway). In elementary school, I was profoundly sad for a very long time that I wasn't a girl, I even recall asking god to make me one on more than a few occasions. After a while, these feelings faded away, but they've recently come back. I'm afraid that i don't really have anything I can say to encourage you, except that you aren't the only one trying to figure this out.
You could be. I guess you will have to wait and see how feelings develop. But I will say a lot of it is quite normal. For example, I hate my Adam's apple, watch girly shows, etc. And most female characters on video games are actually males.
I can relate to a lot of this... I feel the same way, in fact. But really, what it boils down to, is what you want for yourself. I know that I want to be a girl, and fully intend to become one as soon as possible. If you feel the same way, I'd say you are trans*. But whether you are or aren't has to be your choice. On the side, though - I'd kind of say that there's a good chance you could be.
Hello, Cannon, and welcome to EC. I'd suggest you first to try to relax. To find out your true gender is a personal quest of self knowledge. You need to keep calm, or at least try to, 'cause you are going to need to be able to think clearly. At times you might get emotional, specially if you have been in denial. Keep your emotions in check, but at the same time allow them to flow. Don't repress anything, and don't try to fit in any label. The best you can do right now is to start with some (fun) experimenting. First, get that make up you want to experiment with. Watch youtube vids about make up, try a few things, enjoy it. Then you could try to wear some female clothing and see how it makes you feel. Don't call yourself anything yet, just experiment a bit and see where this takes you. There is a lot of trans with both male and female hobbies, as well as a lot of cis people, you know... Some cismen like My little Pony... One of my girlfriends (cis) was more into cars than me (I should be "ashamed" of it? Don't think so, not anymore...) There might be some truth there, specially when it comes to kids and toys, but you can't take this very seriously. One of the strongest indicators was that you would like to look like female celebrities, and you seem to be also unhappy with your male body. There is tricks here to conceal male attributes. You could try them and see if this works for you. You could try the experimenting I mentioned, and also buy some girl's magazines and check them out for fashion and make up tips and so on. I'm not saying all the girls must wear make up and be crazy about fashion, but most of the girls I know seem to like it, at least to doll themselves up from time to time, as they call it... Lots of experimenting. It seems that's the thing you need right now. Feel free to post all your make up/beauty questions, ladies here like to help. We've got some beauties around...
Thanks for the responses everyone. Even though I knew others could relate, it's still nice to hear them say it. I'll think about what was said, try the experimenting suggested, and likely be back to ask more stuff in the future. Again, thank you.
Wow i thought i was the only one to ask "god" for a girls body lol, sometimes i would pray asking god to wake up with a girls downstairs, a closet full of tutus, dresses, and tiaras and long black hair that was wavy and reached the back of my knees lol.
I recognize myself so much in your description. When I was your age I found myself frequently feeling the way you do now and I ended up batting it away every time, something that I regret deeply today. I missed out on ten years of being the real me due to denial and I wish I'd at least would have done what you're doing right now. Maybe then I would've had a chance to find myself earlier. That said, you shouldn't just jump into the life of a transgender all of a sudden. Do what Vodkabaret suggested and tease the waters before jumping in. Maybe you'll feel the water is warm and soothing and jump in like I did or maybe you'll find it cold and unappealing and shy away, and that's allright. Knowing is the important part.
