I feel like I kept prying at my desire to be a woman until it consumed my life and now I feel like I'm actually a woman. I came out to two friends a couple days ago, after mustering up the courage, and now I am wondering about whether I should stay male. But then again, who would I be doing that for? But moreover, will I ever truly be female? Will my outer appearance ever signify that I am a woman? Will I ever be taken seriously as a girl? These questions run around in my head, with no indisputable answer, but a lot of negativity. Scientifically, I probably would be able to become female, but socially, I might just get people who don't see underneath my male attributes, or who will only see me as some science experiment (though for the latter those people might be less informed on the issue or simply less willing to accept me no matter what). Besides, had I transitioned before puberty and gotten SRS, the only distinction would be infertility and possibly chromosomes, and many women are infertile and many women are XY. I just want to know if this is the right path to take, and if it's the only path to take. But the answer will be an overwhelming yes, will it not? What if I'm in a place of inescapable danger now? I just want to be myself, and I want to be happy with that.
Just because you feel like you chose a certain path for yourself doesn't mean it's less valid. I don't think you chose your feelings, though. What you did was choose to act on those feelings to some degree, at least with coming out to two friends, and strongly considering moving forward with being a woman. The fact that you chose to start acting on these feelings must mean that there is clearly something important and valuable about them to you. It's easy to feel doubts, especially when the world around you is making you think that for one reason or another, you're making the wrong decisions. I think even the most confident folks have doubts. When people make such bold assertions or actions to portray their confidence, it's done in order to fight their doubts and fears. Everyone has these. As for whether you'll be taken seriously as a girl, some will and some won't. I think though, that having made connections with people who can truly accept you beyond a surface level will be well worth it in the long run.
Thanks Jellal. I do sometimes panic about this issue, and I think I needed that type of assurance. I think that I have those desires to change sex for a reason... they don't have to be assigned a label; they just should be taken for what they are: desires to transition from male to female. There's nothing wrong with that; I guess you might have sensed some Christian guilt in what I was saying. If I want to present myself to the world as a woman, there is no problem in that. And yes, there are recoverable risks that come with that, like not looking feminine enough after transition, but it is important that I affirm who I am, and transition would be a great way to do that. And it would be living the ever-grateful dream to transition; there's no denying that to myself. I would love to live a more feminine life, with all the good and bad that comes with it, because I am not fully a woman and not fully a man. I am Nikinja. I should be able to live as myself authentically. So no, I did not choose to be who I am; I chose to embrace it. When push came to shove I questioned myself, but I now refuse to revert to square one.
You are still young. Check people who have started in their 20s, they pass and some of them are way hotter than ciswomen. Don't think about the past, you can't go back anyways. Just embrace who you are, right here and right now.
Look around. Women often aren't taken seriously anyway, and neither are men. Or maybe that's just part of me not having much respect for society at large, and focusing on negativity because of some self-hatred issues...? I also find it well-nigh impossible to think outside of myself, so that I might see my body in some kind of neutral manner, if there is such a thing. Even if you ask someone for a second opinion on anything, it's still ultimately you deciding whether you like what you're hearing or not. "Trust your instincts/gut/intuition" is a really common one that sends me round in circles and gets me nowhere. Yeah, sure, I sort-of trust my gut, just like I'm listening to their advice about trusting my gut. So it then becomes: "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, and I say that you should trust your gut. Go on, off you trot! Listen to your gut instinct! What does your gut tell you about trusting me about your gut instinct about trusting me about itself?" :eusa_doh: I don't even know if there's some ultimate answer to that paradox. Got a bit side-tracked... Returning to the question, I guess if you have anxiety about changing your appearance, or what it might mean to truly be a woman, then that "social criticism" that you're seeing in other people IS the anxiety. The way you feel makes you tuned-in to some elements of people's reactions, while ignoring other elements. Who knows. The whole world is build on blind experimentation, learning, mistakes, and stuff. You must have tasted it at some point, since you know what you're looking for. So you already have the seed inside.
you have a really clear understanding of who you are, and you have no illusions about what the transition means. those sound like really strong factors in your favor. good luck!
I remember coming out as gay on Facebook two years ago, on February 2, 2013. I rushed into it impulsively and forcibly, because I did not want to feel so lost anymore, I wanted people to know the real me, and I wanted to be a hero. I thought that my sexuality defined me, and I thought that being gay was the ultimate way for me to express myself. I got 110 likes on that post before I deleted it on March 6 of that year. So you could definitely say that people supported me. When my body seemed to betray me for several months by showing me its testosterone-charged attraction to women, I was traumatized and embarrassed. I remember crying in my mother's arms that April (April 17?) because I was so sad to know the truth about my sexuality. As it turns out, and as I always knew, there was some truth to identifying as gay, because I was bisexual/polysexual/pansexual (ambiphilic, let's say, for briefness). I think that because of the shame of this, there is a lingering fear that I will be wrong again; that I will regret transitioning and live desperately trying to be a woman when I am actually a man; that the person I want to be does not exist, and that I will have to grip the shame of living the life of a [mostly] heterosexual male. I understand that there is no shame in heterosexuality; that it is just as varied and fluid as homosexuality, but to identify as male is something that would simply be untrue to who I am. I used to think that my gender was "gay male", because I was male-bodied and liked men and acted & felt the way I did. When it turned out that I was not gay, I was more lost than ever. I fear that that will be my fate, to be so lost as a person, if I transition to female; that I am not a woman. I fear that I am not a woman. I want to be a woman, and I worry that I am not one. I think that I ask myself so many questions about my gender identity so as to escape the possibility that I make such a mistake as I did two years ago. I know who I am; in fact, I knew who I was back then, in terms of my sexuality, and even, more subliminally, in terms of my gender -- for that I just did not have the right words to describe my feelings. I knew I was bisexual; I felt I was gay because I wondered whether bisexuality was possible (it is, lol) and I wondered why bisexuality still felt like a lie. I wanted to be gay because, as I said, it was the closest thing I had to actualization of my true -- female -- identity. For two years, since coming out to myself -- with little drama, just amicably -- on June 17, 2013, I have known my gender identity to be different from cis norms. I am nearly two years removed from this thread: "Teenage gender confusion". There is little to no risk involved here. I am not rushing into things. It has been two years, and that's just the time I've spent having the words for what I've always known. I am a woman. I might not be fully female, but I am a woman, Because I Choose It; because I feel it fits me best. The only thing standing against my womanhood and my affirmation of it is others' opinions, and the body I inhabit right now. My identity is one for which I need to take ownership. I can question all I want, but I can no longer be indecisive. I am a woman. I am who I want to be. This is me, and I am wasting time pondering whether it is when I can live it out and find out who I am, and who I can be, beyond that. Thank you everyone.
You shouldn't be worried about what other people will think. If you think that you would be more comfortable as a woman then do it! If you think you are better off now stay this way if you feel out of place physically right now then change. This should be what you want to do and what you feel comfortable with-after all you will have to live with the chose not your friends,family or social group.
My Dear Nikinja : Do your feel that you made the right choice in trying to look like a woman ? Of course you did. Don't worry about anyone else's opinion, just like we. cannot change the weather, we cannot change who we are, not anymore. Something inside of us changed, from being a man, to being a woman. I think it's a wonderful change, and as for me, well, I never wanted to be a " MAN ". This change, for myself, was inevitable because I've got so many feminine traits about myself. But for you, this change will be about discovery, and this wonderful new world. I know this will be confusing, at first, but just keep saying to yourself " I am a beautiful woman ", always remember sweetie, you're gorgeous. Now show your outer beauty, WORK IT GIRLFRIEND!!!! Jaymegurl
