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Maybe a trans boy.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Worlock, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. Worlock

    Regular Member

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    I am dealing with the decision whether to live my life as a trans male or as non-binary (in a female body). I'm feeling pretty low, and I just need to get this off my chest. As a precursor, I've identified as genderfluid (or something like it) for most of my adult life so far.

    I was about 19 when I first began questioning my gender. At the time, I was completely unfamiliar with the idea of being trans. I discovered it somehow on the internet and started having thoughts about whether or not I really felt female. I would play as a male bloodelf on World of Warcraft, and it was really cathartic for exploring that new side of me. I also write, and I found that writing from a male point of view was a lot easier for me to do.

    I struggled with PCOS during puberty (and still now), and it caused me to grow into a kind of androgynous-looking person. I always felt really awkward in my body; I would try very hard to look feminine, but sometimes it felt forced. I love to experiment with makeup, don't get me wrong... but I felt like I was trying very hard to be what a "girl" was supposed to be. I got bullied a lot during high school for having facial hair due to the PCOS, and I still try to keep parts of my body obsessively hair-free.

    My emotionally abusive ex was the first person I told about possibly being transgender/wanting to be male. He had always tried to control how I appeared/dressed/etc., and it got a lot worse after this. He told me he didn't want to walk down the aisle with a man, and that nobody would accept me as male. At the time, it was a hard pill to swallow. That in addition to my mother's suggestion of being androgynous instead (it was easier, she thought) led me to accept the identity of genderfluid. I would still refer to myself as a boy a lot, and I still do, but I ultimately present kind of femme and am assumed female most of the time. Identities like agender/any non-binary identity appeal to me because I feel like I wouldn't experience that innate pressure to present masculine/feminine (which is similar to how I try to feel, being genderfluid).

    I went to my first trans support meeting this past weekend, and I broke down crying unexpectedly. I wanted to go into the transmen's meeting, but I felt like I didn't look masculine enough. Luckily I was welcomed in by the leader of the group, and he said something that really stuck with me. It was similar to this: "I identified as non-binary/genderfluid for quite some time... but I realized I would be more comfortable as a genderfluid man rather than a genderfluid woman."

    Something about that just stirred me up. I'm still stirred up. I don't know what to do. I don't have money for medical care currently (no insurance), and if I decide I want to transition I'll be faced with some opposition. My mother is wonderful, but I'm not sure I want to put her through something like this. I am also poly, and one of my partners is straight, so me becoming male would likely compromise that relationship.

    So basically, I'm just trying to decide if I want to live in this body (AFAB) as a non-binary individual, or if I want to be a non-binary trans boy.

    I'm sorry for ranting; I'm just really, really struggling and feeling incredibly down. I definitely plan on finding a therapist when I have the means to do so.
     
  2. Michael

    Regular Member

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    I feel you here... I think I might have been 25-27 when I finally had the courage to ask myself the question. I had no options back then, it was either face it or.... Something else that is irreversible, you know...

    It says a lot about you that you think about your mother, but what does she really want? I believe than she would want you to be happy. When I came out to my dad I was worried as well, and it even crossed my mind that I was risking to lose him.

    Fortunately I was wrong. It's still hard for him, but he understands that it'll be still his kid there... What he loves is that unspeakable, untouchable me, not the image.

    I'd like to give you hope about the relationship, but if this person has been around you 'cause you've been faking it, he won't stay. For your own sanity, I'd try to find out what kind of person he is at the core. So you should tell him as soon as possible, and act according to his reaction.

    Look, it's kind of late here and I'm not very inspired right now, but I want you to know you are not on your own.

    Also... This is your life, it belongs to you. There is times to look around, and there is times to look inside. Regarding your own identity, never try to make a compromise : I've been there, and it nearly killed me. I'm also responsible for a great deal of pain I've caused to others.

    On the bright side, it seems to me you are getting there. Dare to be yourself. Get rid of stuff. Do more exercise and get in touch with your own body. Only wear what makes you feel good. And do a lot of experimenting, don't be afraid of anything. Break the rules and check how it makes you feel.

    Go back to the trans support group, they seem a nice bunch, and it seems to me you are going to make some progress there.

    I hope this helps, if only a bit... It gets better, trust me.
     
    #2 Michael, Mar 5, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2015
  3. CJliving

    Full Member

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    I was going to tell you exactly the same thing that group leader said. I've recently started coming out/presenting as non-binary but more more I'm seeing myself as a non-binary trans man. It's definitely still a hard thing, there's a lot of doubt, but in the end you have to do what's right for you. Sacrificing yourself for the people that you love, even when they genuinely love you, is going to hurt those relationships just as much if not more than doing what you need to do to be happy.
     
  4. Worlock

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    What the group leader said definitely resonated with me. I do know that whatever I decide, I need to go forward regardless of the opposition I may face. This will be a slow exploration process, but I'm glad I'm finally asking myself the question I've been too afraid to think about all these years.

    I'm glad I'm not alone.