Now, I've identified as male for a while now. I'm happy to be called by male pronouns, and to be taken as a guy in random social settings- and I'm dysphoric about my body and voice. But, lately, I've just been having a load of... contradictory thoughts. I know I'm happy being a guy, and I know that attempting to fit in as a female is destructive to myself and at times others (I've tried before- never doing that again). I sometimes wonder if I'm agender, because of my personality and whatnot, but I'm not comfortable with non-gender specific pronouns or identifying with myself as agender, only male. I know that there are non-binary people who still identify as a specific gender, but don't adhere to society's expectations or stereotypes of that gender. I feel a lot like that is probably where I sit on the wide spectrum of gender, but there's always this little asshole "what if" floating around my mind that tells me I'm wrong and that I can't possibly be a guy of any type. The "what ifs" only come into play, however, when I'm around certain people. For instance, my mother. She makes me feel more feminine just by being in the general vicinity of myself, but when she calls me "she" or her "daughter" (I'm still trying to work with her on the pronoun game...) I feel awful and like I'm about to be sick- which is the case with anyone who does that, especially those who already know of my gender identity. With certain friends, it's different. Only two of my friends call me by my preferred pronouns, without any ounce of awkwardness at all, and I'm only capable of feeling comfortable in my own skin when I'm around one of them (the other one makes me uncomfortable basely due to the fact that her attitude pisses me off, and we probably shouldn't even be friends at this point. It has nothing to do with what she calls me). The other person who calls me by my name, but has trouble with pronouns, just annoys me a little bit when they get it wrong. But that's likely down to the fact that they're just so fucking adorable and impossible to get mad at, not to mention a very good friend to me. So the main thing I'm worried about is being invalid, even though everything I've been going through and feeling points toward the male path. I know, I know- it's really not something I should worry about, because I know me better than anybody else does (though my goddamned mother would beg to differ). But it just feels like too much for someone of my age, and though I would like to be in a state of societal norm for once, I can't "change my mind" or anything else of that media bullshit they try to feed us. I feel trapped in a tiny world of literal idiots who can't see anything outside of their own direct line of vision- which is clearly straight up their arses, and it makes me doubt myself and my validity as so much as a being existing on this wretched plane of reality. Sorry for going off a bit there... I'm just pretty stressed and ticked about things.
I'll just say that it feels like I could have written this. These are very close to my feelings, except I only get called the correct pronouns by EC users, no one offline. I am waiting a few years to fully transition to make sure this isn't a phase. The phase question is the only one I'm questionable about. I do have that occasional agender feeling, but I feel as if that's because us trans people are so bent on monitoring our gender feelings 24/7, that we take any lull in our "strongly feeling male" to be agender. And that cis people have that lull of feeling agender but it's normal to them because they aren't hung up about their gender like we are. That's how I interpret my agender feelings, anyways.
Queero: Indeed. Tai: Yeah, that's true. I'm just so hung up and constantly monitoring exactly how I feel genderwise, that the slightest blip in the system can cause all of the little forts I built to crumble... that stands for: when I feel anything other than male, I freak.
I think that's about right. I question endlessly because I'm not particularly masculine or feminine in my personality, and I have aspects of myself that would fit it one or the other. I know that cisgender people have parts of them that are more masculine or feminine as well, but we're just more...touchy, and I get why.
Queero: Exactly, it's like the rather androgynous personality is affecting the mind's interpretation of one's gender, which in turn makes one question themselves, and is received as a more saturated version by people such as ourselves. ...I've slipped into essay mode. nooooooo
..okay. I think I know what you just said. Sorry, my brain has pretty much checked out for the evening. What I tell myself when the asshole what-if voice comes up is "Listen, If you were a straight girl, I just don't think you'd be so irrationally angry when someone ships some guy you think is cute with a girl. And you wouldn't think to yourself 'they were supposed to be on MY SIDE!' And I also don't think you'd have watched The Celluloid Closet like, 5 times.
Queero: Haha, sorry for being rather complicated in my speech- I can't really help it Yeah, I find it is easy enough to combat the voice with basic reasons that would detail a gender or behavior, or to simply distract myself (and by extension, shut up the voice) with art or writing of some sort.
That's okay, I got it after I read through it a few times. I have a friend like that, I can normally understand easily, but tonight....my brain has left the building. It didn't help that I put myself back in the closet (to myself) again and again over the years. Other people have the "you're not good enough" voice, I have the "You're not gay enough" voice haha.
