So I've been questioning my gender since October 2014, it's been a few months and I'm still completely lost. I apologize in advance if I drag on or offend, I'm just looking for some advice. Lately I've been considering that I might be ftm. I've been growing quite dysphoric over my chest and have made attempts to bind, and have been doing it everyday as of late. (I don't have a legitimate binder, but I've done my research and am certain that I'm binding safely.) I like how I look when I bind, it's more natural to me. When I don't bind I feel like an object. I try hard to appear male, my hair is cut short and I wear entirely menswear. I like being mistaken for a guy and it annoys me when someone I am with reveals me as female... But that's what bothers me. I say I like being "mistaken" for a guy, as if I am not one myself. Thinking further, I'm not completely sure that I am mentally male... My appearance feels like a costume sometimes (I couldn't not present male, however), like underneath how I look I'm just a girl. My family always tells me that my reasoning and actions are that of a woman, that I am emotionally female. So then I wonder... How do I know what gender I am apart from dysphoria? I don't know what it's like to be male, or do I not know what it's like to be female? I can't see myself as an old man either... but it's also hard to imagine myself as an elderly woman. Sometimes dying male seems like I'd be in the wrong body... but I dont know if I feel the same about being female. Maybe it's a phase and I'm just a tomboy? ...I'm just unsure.
Well, nobody can really answer that but you. But my advice would be to keep on, if you like to wear men's clothes, then do it. Do what makes you comfortable and happy, and you can figure things out over time. Just because someone expresses emotion/reason in a more feminine way does not make them a female. I know a guy who was born male and identifies as a man, but his expression is very feminine. So just be yourself, and it will eventually come.
In the beginning of my questioning stage (and even now, occasionally), I felt this way too. But I found that as time went on and I became more comfortable with myself presenting as male (even though my parents don't respect my decision and won't call me my pronouns, and misgender me in front of the public whenever we go out), I became more sure of myself. A half a year is a hard time frame to come to a conclusion about this, as well. I'm not even close to knowing completely; I've still got a year or two before I'm definitely sure. I know this questioning phase sucks, probably more than the period we are actually sure of ourselves and fully transitioning, but it's important to be sure of things before you do thingd that are hard to reverse.
I recognize the feeling, it's so confusing and it took me years to find out who i really am now. I have just accepted for myself that i have two sides, male (born) and female (internally) it will take some time but for the time being i would say go on doing what feels best for you. and don't think that all guys are 100% manly, the're many man who are cis but in their reactions are somewhat feminine.
I'm definitely no expert on this, so I apologize if I miss the mark here. But it seems to me that one way to explore this would be to intentionally dress as male and act as male, and let people respond and interact with you as a male. And then see if that feels more right, more at home, more who you are than the female identity that you have lived with all these years. Or, if it never feels like that's who you are, if you feel always like you are pretending. Perhaps that would give you some clarity.
Thank you, I've been thinking a lot today, about who I am and what I'd be happy with. I'm just going to give it time. It's true, I can't expect everything to be cleared up in a period of five months. I've been considering coming out to a friend, to test the waters, get help with names, etc... I just don't have anyone at the moment that I can trust (most of my friends are incredibly religious/can't keep their mouths shut). I appreciate the help, though and will continue to look into my identity.
Maybe the reason you feel you're pretending is because you are; maybe you haven't found a genuine way to experience gender. Let behavior dictate your label, rather than vice versa. I'm still questioning (been binding since around october 2014) and I'm not sure what I want, only that I think I don't want to be seen as female but I don't want to be seen as male either. Neither feels right. So androgyne I guess? Anyways there are nonbinary ways to experience gender, even if you still choose to stick with binary pronouns. I'm happy when people call me "they" but I don't mind "she", but I still don't see myself as female. I don't know, it doesn't matter but it does. Oh and there's no such thing as female emotions or female actions.
While I respect non-binary identities, I don't feel they suit me. It wouldn't be 'satisfying' for lack of a better word. I'm still quite young, too, (13) so as previously stated I'm just going to carry on as I am and see how I feel as time goes on. (Any offense to non-binaries is unintentional, I'm not the best at putting my feelings into words. Haha)
Unless you feel like you want a label,you don't need one,at least not yet. If you like to wear men's clothes-go for it! If you like to bind your chest-go for it! If and when you feel like you need a label(for you not for anyone else) take some time to think about it(this process takes several weeks for some and several years for others.) Just remember that this is a process which means you don't need to know over night. Also top surgery is an option if you are only uncomfortable with your chest.
