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Just me complaining about dysphoria.....feel free to ignore

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tardis221B, Mar 8, 2015.

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  1. Tardis221B

    Tardis221B
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    Hey guys,

    I don't really know what this thread is, but I'm just letting all you wonderful people know that I'm still here and that I haven't forgotten you. I know I haven't been responding to as many threads lately, I been lurking a bit and wanting to respond, but I just don't have the energy. I'll be okay, but dysphoria has just been really bad lately.

    This weekend was particularly rough. It was a 4 day, 3 night excursion with my "all girls" study abroad group. And the places were beautiful and the moments when I found peace and quite by myself have been some of my favorite moments so far of study abroad.

    But the dysphoria...... Ignoring the fact that the group is riddled with drama, tension, and enjoys a fair share of gossip... it kills me to be treated like a girl in every aspect of the trip and my physical dysphoria gets worse when my social dysphoria is set off.

    While "les filles" still hurts, I didn't realize how much dysphoria could hurt until I was misgendered multiple times by the girl I'm out to.

    I know she's got a lot of her own problems she currently dealing with but still.... She knows how much shark week anything about it triggers me first thing she tells me when we get to the hotel - she says sorry this might be tmi *precedes to talk about her shark week.* Later, when we eventually talked a bit more about my gender she kept fishing for compliments for not mis-gendering me; and while I understand that she wants to make sure she's headed in the right direction, what came after really bugged me . . .

    The convo flowed a bit more and I explained that I wasn't per-say questioning my gender, and that I feel more guy'ish... no terms were said or names told, but she knew what I was getting at.

    Later after joking about things happily, she says, "sometimes -my birth name- I ask myself who is this girl." I just sat there I didn't have the will to fight back then, I just wanted to melt away into nothing...

    And then a little later talking to me again in a joking context about personality, she calls me "lady." Luckily the lights were off so I just let the convo fade, said good night, put in my head phones, listened to "Reflection" from Mulan, and silently cried myself to sleep.

    And then the next day I helped her through more of her struggles, was lovingly misgendered by the program director, and whilst going around the lunch table the girls started choosing various characters to represent each of us, some of the girls even got guy characters, so it wouldn't have been odd for the girl I'm out to, to have chosen a male character for me, but instead she said a female name....... I waited a minute, and excused myself to the bathroom. (definitely used the mens room too :icon_wink)

    But then again later that night same "I think I've been pretty good about pronouns." And then she had personal stuff going on so I let her vent, tried drawing her out, and asked her questions to help her think about her struggles.....


    I'm just so exhausted, I miss my friends, and i want to go home, but I've got 3 more months that I'm stuck here with this group of people. I love being abroad but being around negative people is already draining enough without dysphoria thrown in the mix.
     
    #1 Tardis221B, Mar 8, 2015
  2. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry. That sounds like a really rough time :frowning2:

    It sounds to me like she is completely oblivious to the fact that she is doing anything wrong. She is being careless and insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she's doing it on purpose. Don't be afraid to correct her when she calls you "lady" or anything like that. When there are people around (like when she was choosing characters for everyone) you can maybe text her or talk to her about it later.

    Some people just don't catch on until they are corrected over and over again, and it sucks, but it's not hopeless. You deserve to feel comfortable and not be misgendered, so correct her until she stops.
     
    #2 darkcomesoon, Mar 8, 2015
  3. Jellal

    Jellal
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    If she's a good and true friend, she'll listen. I know how tough it can be to speak up sometimes. I even have a friend who gave me explicit permission to speak up when he misgenders me. Still I hesitate to say anything because I don't want to "kill the mood." X(
     
    #3 Jellal, Mar 8, 2015
  4. Michael

    Michael
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    Not out at all
    This would be enough to kill any sane person... Nothing good comes out of such an enviroment. They must be all bored to death...

    This is incredibly rude and disrespectful. She would rather vent to you than avoid hurting you. Doesn't seem good company to me.

    Pffff...

    ... Another proof of her delicate nature/intelligence...

    Well, if she thinks she is good at what she is doing, just imagine when she tells you she is bad at something...

    AHA... This is a girly friendship. You are making here a compromise, and let me tell you... Doesn't seem a good bussiness to me : She doesn't care about you, she only cares that somebody listens to her rant/venting about her girly stuff...

    I'm being honest here. I could cover this with sugar and tell you everything will magically change tomorrow, but I don't think I'd do you any favour.

    You, me and all men here are doomed to be misgendered on a daily basis unless we pass, or we are sorrounded by truly supporting folks. Don't let them hurt you. They can't see the real you, but an image they project on you.

    The good news is that they are not in possession of the absolute truth. As a matter of fact, people who judge others by their looks (or gender) are far away from the truth. Through the years we need to develop a thicker skin, and never forget that... They just don't know us, you know... Probably they also don't know themselves as well. Don't allow their ignorance to hurt you. To open yourself to somebody means (among other things) that you are going to become vulnerable to them : Their words, actions, judgement... It is a risk we take.


    You've got to spend 3 months in france, next to the girls, and then you probably won't need to see them again if you don't want to.

    I would try to look for someone else's company. I hope I'm wrong, but the girl seems either very foolish or she is your average... you name it.

    Don't let her get away with it. And if she refuses to learn, go with somebody else who appreciates you. You don't need to feel ashamed of anything, or to feel you are stuck with somebody just because you came out to her. You are free to chose your company, and remind people to treat you in your own terms.

    ... I didn't want to cover this with sugar, but I just can't resist it, this urge to give you a huge (*hug*)
     
    #4 Michael, Mar 9, 2015
  5. Polka Dots

    Polka Dots
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    Hey, Wes.

    I'm sorry to read about your recent hardships; I had to stop and catch my breath as soon as I saw you were called "lady" by the girl you're out to. Being addressed in such a way hurts me enough when it's by someone I'm in the closet to, so I can't imagine the pain that must have rocketed up your spine the second she opened her mouth. Really, man. I'm sorry.

    I'm glad you took the time to share your frustrations with the rest of us as I'm sure I'm not the only one here who is happy to help. A lot of good points have already been made, and I concur with most of them. If I were in your situation, I'd explain that your identity goes BEYOND pronouns and her "jokes" are not appreciated. If she continues to misgender you, then, well... I'd re-evaluate your friendship.

    I agree with previous posters that a true friend would not make light of your situation. I'm also bummed to learn she expects you to listen to her venting over and over again but it seems she isn't listening to you in return. Obviously I don't know her and I'm not aware of her problems, but if she's not willing to invest the same time in you that you are her, that says something. I listen to my cis-male friends vent when they need to complain but they are willing to do the same for me.

    On a positive note, congrats on using the men's room, mon frère!
     
    #5 Polka Dots, Mar 9, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2015
  6. Tardis221B

    Tardis221B
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    Thanks everyone for you kind words and support (*hug*)

    I think my current plan is to skype with my best female friend soon (hopefully this weekend), and then let her know what's been going on with me.... and tell her the name I'm considering....

    And guess I should probably mention to you all that I've felt guilty since the moment I came out to the girl in my group. She's one of the few people my best friend doesn't like. My best friend is awesome and she doesn't care if I'm friends with her, I just feel bad myself, so feel like I owe it to my friend to be honest with her about identity, and I want her to be the first one I talk to about my name. I have a good feeling she'll accepting...heres to hoping I'm not wrong.

    To clarify the girl I'm out to her first joke was after I was obsessing over SwanQueen, ABC's Once Upon a Time lesbian ship... what? they're meant to be :grin:. Her joke was about her confusion towards me, it just hurt that she had to misgender me.

    And correcting her could have helped maybe, but more than hearing the wrong words, it just gets me knowing that people, even those I'm out to, don't see me 100% for who I am. People I'm closeted to know about 30-70% of me, and I like to think that those I'm out to know 90-98% of the real me... so when I am reminded that they don't see my true identity, and can't see past the facade.... I just hate feeling invisible.... you guys (or gals, or other gender identities) probably know what I'm talking about...


    But the girl I'm out to, as you can see I don't quite even consider her a friend. She's someone who has opened up to me and I've opened up to her, but meh I just don't click with her, and that's fine. Our acquaintanceship, its one more of convenience than anything.

    And @Vodka: Thanks for me letting me feel like its okay to be frustrated with her.

    And the group... well see another funny little thing... I won't see them nearly as much back in the states, but we still have reunions and my campus is only about 4,000 people... so I'm bound to run into them. But there is one girl in the group who I really like as a person, and I'm trying to spend more time with her. She's super sweet and optimistic, an overall enjoyable person to hang out with. So that's a plus :slight_smile:

    And thanks Vodka, that was very beautifully worded advice & reminder, I'll try my best to remember that in those situations (*hug*)


    @PolkaDots:Thanks man, I really appreciate the support (*hug*) But I'll be okay, its just been taxing lately... I didn't know people could feel so many emotions at once.

    And yeah... I mean I just am not that comfortable talking to her, and that's okay... I mean I was worried she was almost about to out me the first night this weekend at dinner.... that didn't happen and she assured me she wouldn't, but I don't really trust her.

    Haha, and thanks :wink: It was one with toilet, sink, door, and lock all in one, so it was a good one to avoid looks, questions, getting yelled at.
     
    #6 Tardis221B, Mar 10, 2015
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