I have a friend who identifies as agender and xie is struggling very much with how to present. Xie is female-bodied and currently in the midst of weight loss (a significant amount by the end because xie has an underlying condition that made weight loss difficult until xie was diagnosed). Xie is looking into a chest binder for when xie is finished losing weight, but xie also needs to think about all of the replacement clothes xie will need. Right now xie is buying cheap women's clothing on clearance so xie has a few clothes that fit. Xie feels guilty about dressing feminine and liking things like feminine jewelry, but xie feels equally guilty about wanting to buy a chest binder and masculine clothes, too. Xie is a firm believer and proponent that clothes should not be considered masculine or feminine anymore, but it doesn't stop hir from feeling guilty about it. Or about the fact that xie will be springing it on hir family with no warning. Xie is too scared to just tell hir family since they were total assholes when xie came out as asexual. So my question is, how do you present yourself? (Ugh, I fucked up pronouns so many times. ;-; I feel like a piece of shit now, I am so sorry!)
(You look like you did pronouns pretty well to me, so don't feel too bad. Plus, less commonly used pronouns can take a lot of getting used to, so as long as you're really trying, you don't have to feel guilty Related: these aren't pronouns I'm familiar with, so I'm gonna try my best; apologies in advance for any mistakes) I'm nonbinary, more male than anything else, but still nonbinary. I tend to present 'masculinely', but I still have a lot of 'feminine' clothes that I really like, so I wear them sometimes when I'm not feeling too dysphoric. It doesn't make me any less male when I wear 'feminine' clothes, and it doesn't make me any less nonbinary when I choose to present male. Promise your friend that xie can present any way xie wants, and that it doesn't make xem (? sorry, I couldn't find the full set of these specific pronouns) any less valid. Xie doesn't need to feel guilty about how xie presents. Xie should simply present in the way that makes xem most comfortable. About springing it on hir family, that's how coming out (or changing one's presentation) often happens. You're not obligated to ease people into your identity. These things come as a surprise to people, but they get used to it.
I currently live a (non-) life of blending in and disappearing among the crowds of blue-grey cis males. I guess it's a coping mechanism, and I don't currently feel strong enough to stand out more. I do a little bit of experimentation with colour, I guess trying to home-in on my personal style. Nothing too drastic. Why is there so much guilt? Is it embarrassment?
Guilt-tripping from hir mom, I think, in part, because hir mom wants hir to get married and have kids and xie doesn't want kids and is afraid to date because a lot of people don't understand or accept asexuality or nonbinary identities. Hir mom knows xie is asexual and insists it's a phase. Xie is definitely asexual. But I think xie is also very confused by the fact that xie wants to sometimes still wear pretty things, while at others xie would gladly burn every feminine thing xie owns. I've asked if xie is possibly genderfluid between agender and female, but xie says that xie doesn't feel FEMALE. Just sometimes feminine. I've also tried to remind hir that female and feminine are not the same thing. =/ No dice there. Xie's allowed to want to feel pretty sometimes, right?
Regarding dating, it can definitely be harder dating outside of the queer community, but if you date people within the queer community, it's not nearly as difficult to find someone who will be completely accepting of an asexual nonbinary identity, and it's still entirely possible outside of the queer community too. Accepting people do exist. Being trans and ace certainly don't kill your chances of dating, even if they can make it a bit harder. Changing presentation without changing gender is definitely valid. Even cis people have days when they feel like dressing more masculine or more feminine than usual. When you're trans, there's this whole extra significance that gets assigned to how you dress, but there doesn't need to be. Make sure xie knows that fluid presentation is completely valid regardless of gender identity.
The guilt-about-masculine-guilt-about-feminine is a problem for me too. I'm dfab and go for a feminine-androgynous minimalistic combo, which makes me feel "not trans enough." I feel like I won't "really" be trans unless I'm uber-masculine, even though I'm non-binary (note: you don't have to be an uber-masculine binary transguy to be "really" trans, I'm just saying that the phenomenon technically applies less to non-binaries seeing as we're, you know, not binary). I have, for the most part, "outgrown" feeling guilty about being masculine (that is, I've lived masculinely for so long that it doesn't create guilt anymore - just part of who I appear as), and that's due a lot to a supportive environment. But part of "supportive environment" is yourself. You're part of your environment. Your friend is part of hir environment. You're part of each other's. It's the little pieces. Starting to dress a certain way is like coming out. You have to come out as someone who binds, for example (not literally "hey guys, I'm binding!" but like as a presentation, you look different now, it's like coming out a bit) Most of the guilt I've felt over being masculine (binding, wearing guy's accessories, using masculine mannerisms) has been because of the way I think others will see me, while most of the guilt I feel over being feminine comes from the way I think I myself should be. Two totally different approaches I take for that: Like I said, I've grown into my public persona. It takes practice. Like after I decided on my new name, it took me a couple months before I actually liked the way it sounded, before the guilt of people saying it went away. I'm in that process with my voice too - I feel really embarrassed to practice my deeper voice in public or even with my family. But I'll get over that because it's something I really want and something that is part of the person I want to become. As for internalized guilt, I treat it like anxiety, perhaps because that's what it comes out as. I do breathing stuff (from my diaphragm to help with the vocal exercises), and remind myself that yes, I am "trans enough" and yes, "trans enough" means nothing, and yes, I can wear a flowy peach silk blouse and girl's skinny jeans and not pass as male and that's okay. Other people's perceptions of my physical sex generalizing to their assumptions about my gender identity do not define my experience as a non-binary person or my personality as a human being. About your use of pronouns: You're trying and that's what matters! Just remember to not make a big deal out of it when you make a mistake in public - saying "She - oh I mean xie - said that..." is better than "She - oh my God I'm so so so sorry I won't ever mess up again hir pronouns are xie, XIE said that..." because they give the same information, but the latter comes across as "hir pronouns are inconvenient for me" (even if that isn't the case!). But I agree xie/hir pronouns can be hard. I tried using they/them for a while but had to stop because I couldn't get my own pronouns right... You're an amazing friend for caring, and for asking about this! If only more people could be like you!
I am asexual and agender. I don't want to be seen as female or male, and since I am dfab I dress fairly masculine in order to look neutral or at least kind of in the middle. That works for me, but everyone is going to be a bit different. If xie has days when xie wants to look more female or male there is nothing wrong with that. In fact I see nothing wrong with wearing a chest binder and a piece of feminine jewelry if that feels comfortable. It sounds like xie is going through a lot of changes in appearance now anyways so I think it is pretty normal to be uncomfortable with how xie looks and sees hirself. I don't think it is something to feel guilty about. I recently asked my housemates to use they pronouns for me and a different name. I've actually gotten feedback from some of them that it was inspiring to them to see someone trying to figure themselves out. I think it is admirable for xie to look at who xie is and how to present. It's ok to take a take a little while to figure it out. Best of luck :icon_wink
That's really helpful, thanks! This pretty much sums up all of hir struggle, doing this for hir is the least I can do--this friend dragged me kicking and screaming out of destructive drug use, pushed me into going to college, and helped me finally come to terms with being gay (and helped guide me through my anxiety that nearly destroyed my relationship with my fiance early on). If I can help hir come to terms with being trans, it really is the least I can do. Keeping track of xie and hir are really tough for me, I think in part because xie sounds similar to she. But xie laughs when I screw up, xie says xie screws up too, and it's hir identity! Thank you so much! I don't think it even occurred to us that it would be okay to mix masculine and feminine like that, but I will definitely have to pass that idea on, hopefully it will help hir. I didn't realize so many people shared the same struggle. Knowing that alone will hopefully be something of a comfort to hir.
