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Navigating bathrooms as an androgynous, but cis person

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wontwalkblindly, Mar 14, 2015.

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  1. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    so i was at the mall today with some friends and one of them, K, came up to me an asked me a serious question even tho we are not very close. She asked me for my advice on what bathroom to use. There was men, women, and family's bathrooms.
    K was assigned female at birth. I don't know how she identifies gender wise. On facebook it's all female, but that doesnt really necessarily mean anything. K dresses 'like a boy'. boys shorts, shirts, baseball cap, all of that. And she walks/acts kind of like a boy too.
    So anyway she asks me and I'm just kind of like, "Idk, do what makes you most comfortable," etc. I feel like she could pass as either female or male, and i told her that. Eventually she decided to go to the family bathroom because my friend said they had tiny toilets for the children and she laughed and yeah.
    But yeah. i really wish i could have given her better advice, but even after having hours to think about it more, I still cant come up with anything. The only thing past "do what you want" that i have come up with, is that - regardless of identity - if she thinks she is going to be perceived as female, that she should probably go into the girls bathroom because cis girls are more likely to just look at you weird, while cis boys are more likely to harass you (stereotypes, i know. But Ive heard it before, and personally, most cis boys kind of intimidate me.)

    anyway, if anybody has experience or advice for this, that'd be great.

    also any advice on how to talk to her about it since we arent very close? is it my place?
     
    #1 wontwalkblindly, Mar 14, 2015
  2. Tomgirl

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    Men's washrooms are dirtier and urinals freak me out. Soemtimes there is just one stall as opposed to 4-5 stalls in a women's washroom. That would bey advice for someone who could go to either.

    When I was pregnant (and very female looking!) Walmart had closed BOTH the ladies rooms for cleaning. I couldn't hold it, so I went into the men's. It was empty when. I went in, and full by the time I exited... A lot of dudes at urinals freaked out to see an 8month pregnant lady, but no harassment.
     
    #2 Tomgirl, Mar 14, 2015
  3. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    I was also thinking about that, that women's bathrooms are just nicer in general.
    I am worried about her safety if some aggressive person is like "wtf are you?!" And decides to harass her for it. I know you said you didn't have any problem with harassment, but you also said you looked very obviously female. I think that's where the difference would lie between you and her.
     
    #3 wontwalkblindly, Mar 14, 2015
  4. ctrl alt delete

    ctrl alt delete
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    Its kind of difficult and I find it depends on where you are. With public bathrooms you don't know who's going to be in there. In a college you can be pretty certain you won't be questioned, but in a busy mall I would edge on the side of caution. Disabled toilets are usually a safe bet.

    Studies show that women are a lot more defensive about their bathroom "space" to transgender people, while guys don't tend to comment. I've seen women use male bathrooms a few times at bars before and no one says anything.

    In my experience one isn't dirtier than the other, both females, males and non binary peeps all make the same bowel movements.
     
    #4 ctrl alt delete, Mar 15, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2015
  5. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    That's true. any opinion on if there are only Men or Women's bathrooms?
     
    #5 wontwalkblindly, Mar 15, 2015
  6. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    update: i messaged her on facebook, and said that tho i couldnt really give her a solid answer (bc i present in a fairly feminine way), i could pass on resources.
    i sent her this link - Butch Please: Butch in the Bathroom | Autostraddle
    and also i said, 'in case you happen to ID as something other than female, this person gives really good advice' and sent this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJ0kVPQ7Itg
    then we moved onto talking about other stuff. so yeah, idk.. shes one of those people who doesnt really say much in writing, if that makes sense.
     
    #6 wontwalkblindly, Mar 15, 2015
  7. ctrl alt delete

    ctrl alt delete
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    I love his videos :eusa_danc

    passing is really important, but some people will be dicks no matter what, you need to develop a bit of a thick skin.
     
    #7 ctrl alt delete, Mar 16, 2015
  8. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    yeah, Chase is amazing. :grin:
     
    #8 wontwalkblindly, Mar 16, 2015
  9. confuzzled82

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    I'll put it this way, I went to a mall, and wasn't really passing. Didn't realize how bad until later in the day. Well, I used the moderately busy ladies room off the food court, and the only one to give me so much as a strange look was a little girl who couldn't be more than 10 as I came out of the stall. Passed many women on the way in and out.
     
    #9 confuzzled82, Mar 16, 2015
  10. PlantSoul

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    That's a difficult one. If she looks more feminine than male, she should probably go into the Ladies'. I've always been a tomboy, though, probably not as passable when was younger. I used the Ladies' room for years and I never got harassed. While, my wardrobe style tends to look more masculine than feminine, I probably still could get away with using the Ladies'. I'm not sure about the men's because, my family aside, there are still people (strangers) who refer to me as female.
     
    #10 PlantSoul, Mar 16, 2015
  11. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Yeah, she's just really hella androgynous. Like her face and haircut could go either way and then she wears all boys clothes and acts 'boyish.' She is pretty short tho, she is only like 15.
     
    #11 wontwalkblindly, Mar 16, 2015
  12. MisterTinkles

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    Does it really matter? A bathroom is a bathroom.

    I live in The South (USA that is), and most restrooms are marked "men" or "women".
    But I've seen men go in the womens restroom, and I've seen plenty of women go in the mens restroom.

    Hell, I had to go so bad on a few occasions.......I ended up using the womens restroom, cause the mens was full or closed off.
     
    #12 MisterTinkles, Mar 16, 2015
  13. Damien

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    if she was born female, then even though she quite passes as a guy, maybe she ought to go where she feels safest. Not trying to instill unnecessary fear, but if I had been born female, and if there was even a risk that someone could somehow pick up on that, I would not venture into a male public toilet. I'd feel safer in the ladies'.
     
    #13 Damien, Mar 17, 2015
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