Hey, I'm a 20 y/o guy who's been questioning of late. It has caused me immense amounts of anxiety and I'm now wondering if life is worth living at all. I'm roughly OK (but not really) when everything around me is perfect, but the slightest amount of stress and I lose it. I'm bisexual, but gay-leaning, and this is something I have always known. As a child I was pretty genderless/ genderfluid - I liked boyish and girlish things) and very shy (I look back and think I may have been slightly autistic). I remember as a child eagerly wanting to be a member of the team of Sailor Moon, however I equally wanted to join the power rangers as one of them, and to be various pokemon (which I suppose are all androgynous - but never mind). I never expressed a wish for me personally to be a girl, though looking back I have been more of a feminine soul than the average boy. Apparently, I had a bad temper and sometimes ended up in fights with other boys. I've never fully grown out of the bad temper, I just repress it now. I just so badly want to stop living with the day to day anxiety of questioning my gender. This only started around six weeks ago. Around two months ago I told my family about my sexuality, I had been irritable and depressed for a long time beforehand. I am wondering whether this is a symptom of depression/ anxiety disorder from being in the closet for so long (I am extremely close to my parents and brother) and I felt awful hiding it from them for so long. I really don't know any more! I have always felt comfortable as a male and even up until this moment when I hear people refer to me as 'he' or 'this gentleman' (I live in the UK) I feel flattered. I have never been capable of growing much facial hair and have always felt conscious of this - recently I've let a chin beard and slight mustache grow in as I've always been worried of being mistaken for a lesbian, but I still wonder why i cannot grow more. I'd even considered going to the doctor to ask their advice on why I didn't have a proper beard. If you'd told me six months ago that I'd now be questioning my gender, I would have thought you were insane. I was very happy in life up until around 18 months ago, when I felt something was missing. I felt as if this was because I was hiding my true gay self. Am I in denial about anything? I love my male fashion and always have done, always wanted to look good. I'm booked to see a counsellor soon. I have never questioned my gender previously and just want to go back to the person I was before all this happened. What does all of this mean? :bang: :help:
What you are doing here is mostly questioning gender roles-not gender.There can be feminine men and masculine women and neither of them identify as trans.If you say you've always felt comfortable as a male you are answering your own question. Transsexual individuals usually have a problem with their body or the way society sees them.So if you're in doubt you should ask yourself these questions: Do you feel uncomfortable with your body?Do you wish it was more feminine? Do you feel uncomfortable when people see you as male?Do you feel uncomfortable when people adress you as "he"? if the answer to all this questions is no then you are probably not trans. And don't forget no matter how you feel it is still somewhat your choice how you wanna label and identify yourself.
I've repressed the feminine/ camp side of myself (I think I can safely say) although sometimes I act masculine naturally, other times feminine naturally. I've found it's not really under my control. I do not wish my body was more feminine, I've always looked at guys with the perfect sculpted bodies and wished I was them. These past few weeks something has felt different but I've been unsure of the way I truly want my body to be recently. I've had ideas of having a female body, but they make me uncomfortable and scared. In fact, I have never even thought of gender issues with regards to myself previously, so I wonder where it's all come from. I'm not sure which pronouns I'd prefer, but I have liked 'he' up until now, and still do.
