Felt suicidal today

You feel suicidal because you feel like you'll never be a real male? You might not feel like a real male, but, that's the key word; feel. It might help to know that almost every cis guy has felt insecure about his masculinity. It's important to remember there are so many different cis guys out there. It aggravates dysphoria when you're surrounded by messages of what constitutes a real male.

Oh, yeah, and to Hell with social dysphoria. I'm a trans guy and I felt that today because I kept hearing the accursed name. You know how some people say a person's name every so often, to gain confidence? Well, it was having the opposite effect LOL

It's a tough situation, so it's understandable that one might cry about it. But I'm more concerned about when you say you feel suicidal. If you end it now, you won't know what could have been. You will get through this! (*hug*)

 

I know that feel, coming from another direction. I know it feels horrible and I know it may seem like you will never truly be who you are inside. But it is better to live and to strive for whatever we can, living as close as possible to our true identity, than to die and be remembered as someone who we are not. Fight on!

*hugs*

 

I'm sorry you are having such a bad day. Please keep talking to us, we do need each other, and you have been helpful in the past, so we owe you being here.

Lawrence made very good points. Females may feel "ugly", but never doubt their feminity. I think that for men it's different : Cis or trans, we are doomed to have such moments.

What helps me is to put some emotional distance between myself and the rest of the world. To remind myself "they are confused" or "they don't know the truth about me". They are not trying to conciously hurt you, at least a majority, so don't feel hurt. One day you'll explain how it is to them. Some will understand, some won't. What matters the most is how you understand this yourself.

No one, male or female, can go back in time and decide which biological body they will occupy. What we can decide is how to make changes to get closer to who we are, inside and outside. Life is a bitch, yes.... But there is a way out.

I'd have loved to be born as a tall, muscular wolf, with enough hair in my body and face, and with a deep voice. Instead I am a thin fox who is forced to whisper and use tricks to compensate for a high pitched voice. I have to accept what I have, and keep fighting for what I want. This is the same for everyone of us.

We see you here as a man, and some day others will see you too. Remind yourself often about that day, and you'll get there.

 

While I'm not trans, I have always felt quite androgynous, and this has created a few issues for me over my life with mainstream society (looking back, it does explain a lot). Look, we are who we choose to be. We 'are' what we identify with. Self is something of a notion anyway. A businessman thinks 'I am a businessman', a soldier thinks 'I am a soldier' but in the end we are all just human beings on a journey from birth to death. We have the freedom to choose 'what' we want to be in life, because identity is not really a fixed thing we cannot change, it is up to us. However it is you identify yourself, that's who you are, for all intents and purposes.

On a more spiritual note: it is said that we all have Yin and Yang, female and male energies, within us. Whatever our bodies were born as, what matters much more, imo, is which of those primal energies we best relate with in our conscious, day-to-day life. It's the mind that moves the body, not the other way around. Consciousness is primary; mind is over matter. For me, how we feel is more 'real' than the particular structure of the body we happened to be born with. So if you identify more with the male energy mentally and emotionally, then, imho, that takes precedence over your current physical form.

(*hug*)

 

Minnie, I do not identify as transgender, so I have not gone through what you have in that regard. However, I have at times struggled with depression, so I can relate there. Honestly, I am way more concerned about those suicidal urges you alluded to than I am about your gender identity. I think before you move forward with anything pertaining to gender reassignment or whatever, you really need to take care of your inner self first. If you can't open up to a parent (which would be great if you could) about these suicidal thoughts, then there are counselors, teachers, and pastors out there who could help you overcome those feelings. It's hard to be vulnerable and open up to someone and admit that you need help, but healing is to be found for people who do that. I'm here if you want to talk, but I do very much encourage you to seek a professional in some way. Whenever I started to question my self worth, I remembered that God lovingly and painstaking wove me together in His love, and that He has a remarkable plan for my life. Psalm 139 was a great comfort to me during that time of struggling with depression that I went through. If you get a chance, maybe you can give it a glance too. Anyway, you are among friends here, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

Thing is Minnie, unless you have the surgery, you will not know if that feeling you have now is true or not. The suicidal feelings seem to be driven (at least, in part) by something that might not be true. It is possible that surgery may change your perception in a much bigger way than you imagine. Are you prepared to give it a chance?

 

I just think, Patrick, he can't get his hopes up thinking that a surgery will solve everything and then it ends up not doing so. You can't just easily undue a surgery like that. To undergo that surgery is a major life decision, and I don't think the OP is ready to make that kind of decision in the mental state he's in now. He needs to take care of his mind first before tackling the body. I think he needs to see a qualified counselor to guide him through the surgery you speak of, and he needs to be thoroughly evaluated to see if such surgery is even a good idea for him at this time. Maybe surgery will solve all those underlying feelings of depression. I hope so, but that is nowhere near a given.

 

And that's precisely why I chose my words very carefully and I'm asking Minnie to consider what may be possible with surgery. Surgery will provide a more definitive answer, but not if it is ruled out in haste.

Beyond that I don't want to evaluate Minnie's mental state (which may be intricately connected to his gender situation). There are better qualified people than me who would do that as part of the transitioning process in the UK.

 

I think Patrick and Zane, you both have some good points. Patrick's right though. We aren't doctors or therapists or psychologists. And even if one of us comes along who is, we aren't his doctor or his therapist.

What we can do is show support. I have been there. You'll get through this. Even prayer worked for me. What we can't do is make his decision for him.

OP something about when I think about a "real" man or woman is, is that we are comparing ourselves to cis people before we even start. "Real" to us means "how people that don't transition are". Which if you think about it is a bit silly. The only thing making you not "real" here is you. "Real" man has to mean something other than "man who never transitioned", because that tells you nothing about what a man is. Cis women never transition, are they "real men" too?

So what is a man? How about three things comparing to women, and three things by itself? And then think up an exception to all of those. If say - and totally cool if this is on your list, it's your list - you said a man has a penis. Now imagine he lost it in an accident. Is he still a man? Or should he update his driver's license and start using the girl's room? What if he keeps his beard and dresses as a man?

Or if that sounds like a lot, somethingcelse I do is, what kind of woman do I want to be? How about you? In five years, what kind of man do you want to be? What do you do for living? Do you have a wife?