I never felt comfortable having a gender. I don't know if I could even fit one. I definitely do not feel feminine at all but I don't think I am completely masculine either. I just feel really lost...I don't know what to do?:help:
Just be you. Labels are nice to have, but you don't need them and you should never let them control you.
Figuring out where to start is always hard. For now, I would explore what makes you the most comfortable. After you find that out, you can figure out the best way to identify. Identity always comes second in my mind. My first goal is to make myself as comfortable as I can be in my body.
So I did some exploring and I found out a few things so far: 1. If one had to define me in terms of masculine or feminine, I would be on the more masculine side but not enough to be consider a complete male. 2. I tend to like things mostly associated with the masculine: sparring, sports, skateboarding, video games, etc. and seem to understand men more if I had to choose. 3. I never considered myself in accordance to gender, but hated being called "female" and the associations with it in my area (and in society in general). 4. Personality-wise I am very unique so I guess I would define myself by that... Still confused to be honest...
For starters, if you hate being called female then you don't have to think of yourself that way. At least not 100%. Society might say otherwise, but society's wrong about a lot of things! Beyond that ... think about what makes you comfortable. Is there another way you might like someone to refer to you/your gender? Some folks feel better off ditching the whole concept of gender entirely, considering it too restrictive. So the possibilities are limitless. Perhaps a little daunting, but if you approach it from the standpoint of "this is a good chance for me to explore my identity," you might find some self-analysis deeply satisfying. Sketch out your thoughts on the kinds of comments from other people and your own thoughts that bother you and the kinds of comments from other people and your own thoughts that complement you. Do this as a sort of private reflection and you may feel like you're getting somewhere. And I'm sure the people here on EC would be more than happy to offer their own contributions to your self-analysis.
Thank you. I'm going to spend the next hour thinking about it and I'll write down what I come up with.
Well I spent a little more than an hour thinking and I came up with a few things. I would probably not like to be referred to a gender so far. As for things that bother me, I don't like people assuming that I am female and thinking negative stereotypical connotations (i.e. she's girlie, is into beauty, is more sensitive, is into certain type of men, etc.) What I do like is for people to be confused or just see me as that mysterious unique person that I am. (i.e. I can't get any vibes how she is/I'm not sure) or that they know some things (she plays sports, likes videogames, works out, is unique, etc.) Unfortunately the people I've come across obviously don't know what I like and can't see that right away, but I'd rather them ask and not assume. Mostly what happens is confusion or that occasional person who thinks otherwise. To be honest I'd rather dress up mysterious and wear all black and just blend in with the shadows. To describe myself would be even harder to do...
So it's been a really long time after all this and I realized a lot of things. I definitely feel like before when I made this thread and made similar posts and threads I was way more afraid to find out my identity and I wasn't in the right place physically or mentally to do so. But now things are a lot better then they were before and I'm ready to be a lot braver and really come out of myself this time. All the advice here was really helpful and over time I got a more clear idea. I definitely agree that I still need more time to explore what I feel most comfortable with like BradTheCat said and I totally agree with Lazuri that I shouldn't feel restricted by labels. Those where definitely the issues I had in the past but it's getting better. Also thank you so much Jellal for getting me to really think about my self analysis and asking myself these important questions. Re-answering the questions I thought of before (so far): I see myself as definitely vastly more masculine then I realized but I have not just yet settled on a gender identity yet (it will probably change very soon as I have an idea). I have also wanted to be a boy for a while since I was a child and had a bunch of gender dysphoria I later learned to hide from others and conceal due to fear of no one understanding it. I think I will need more time getting over past pain and really exploring if I end up choosing a gender identity. I see myself more as a male but I haven't finalized just what that means to me yet. In terms of gender expression I have finally made huge steps towards expressing my identity so far. I am finally going to get the hair that my abusive parents did not want me to get cut, moving out of my unsupportive family to be with my supportive sibling and find new and more supportive friends and I am finally buying more clothes that I truly feel comfortable with as well as having room for my hobbies. It may not seem like a lot but in the past I felt so restricted from my past circumstances all the way to how I presented myself and even acted in public. It was a dreary and horrible living situation with past events that were horrid (full of fake friends and a represive town and fake parents) but I'm really glad that once I can escape it I will have even more room to express and discover who I really am. Thanks so much to the people who responded to my thread, I'll keep anyone who is interested posted and probably make much more threads nowadays. :-D
