So, I was always the tomboy, playing with the guys or ‘’being the guy’’ when playing with the girls. When I was portraying a female, I would always be treated as a tomboy female, and only once my sister decided I should have an imaginary boyfriend, just to come to the conclusion that I would never have one again [worst role-playing I ever did!] I never questioned anything, people called me strange and I just naturally came to agree with that without much thought. I tried to be more girly, and even though I knew I looked prettier that way, I would feel bad, out of place and lose confidence. The way the guys looked at me with interest made me cringe, and the way the girls looked with more approval made feel good/liked in a way, but wouldn’t make me feel comfortable with the situation. The turning point was when I realized my lack of romantic/sexual traction towards guys. I would look at them as reference [look up at them], as my friends [‘’bro-ship’’] or as a challenge/rival. That made me think I was a cold person, incapable of love. Latter I discovered that I wasn’t and insensitive cold bastard [as people made me feel]?, I just hadn’t thought about the ‘’gay possibility’’. But still, the ‘’lesbian’’ word didn’t feel right! And my first thought about my identity when I discovered my feelings for a girl friend of mine was.. “Was I supposed to be a guy ?” I cut my hair, continued to wear boy clothes but in more quantity and in a more boyish manner and I even tried to talk less so that people wouldn’t figure out my biological sex because of my pich. The people in the new school I was attending were really confused! The staff would call me a boy at first [my mother tried to correct them every time, and I didn’t because I loved it], some kids though I was a boy and that I was dating a girl that was my friend at the time and others [fewer] would stop and question “what the hell is it?”. There was even a friend of mine who admitted “I didn’t knew if you were a gay guy or a gay girl!” because if I were a girl, I was too masculine, but if I were a boy, I was too feminine. All of this made me feel good. My favorite passport photo was taken at this time, and even with all the teenage imperfections my face was showing in that photo, it’s still my all-time favorite. I started using male pronouns for myself too! But soon it was all gone… I started slowly to become less boyish because of peer-pressure, and stopped using male pronouns, even though they came easy and slipped sometimes. I was still a tomboy, a very awkward boyish girl, but not as boyish as before. Very recently a little girl asked me.. “When you grow up, will you be a woman?”. I knew the answer.. “yes”, because I was born a baby girl, so yeah. But it just wouldn’t come out, it never did, I never saw myself as a woman, so I said “When I grow up I will be taller!”. This is something I would like very much to be true, bet I already grew every millimeter there was left for me to grow, And my height is one of my sensitive and prone to dysphoria attributes… Height, voice, my name, pronouns and titles, chest and legs and every roundness my body has in a girly girl way, make me feel a little dysphoric. Some attributes are a constant presence of dysphoria, some are only at given moments and situations, and other I just couldn't care less! I don’t hate my body, it just doesn’t feel quite right. I don’t feel like a boy and even less a men, but I don’t feel like a girl, and even less a woman. P.S.: Male pronouns still slip, and female ones make me feel uncomfortable and awkward, so I just avoid gendered vocab every time I can! I would love to use gender-neutral vocab, but is impossible in my mother tongue… :icon_sad: :help: Does anybody have a similar situation? If you had, did you come out of the "not boy and not girl" feeling and felt as a gay girl later? Could it be internalized homophobia that makes me deny myself of being female? Could it be a fase? You know, that really long "tomboy + internalized homophobia" fase? OR, could I just be queer in gender? I’m a little scared of that, because I don’t know how to approach girls [and people in general] without feeling either fake/lying or not good enough… (plus, the whole explanation problem…)
You do sound to me like you could be genderqueer. I doubt internalized homophobia would make you want to not be female. I know when I was struggling to come to terms with being queer, I wanted to be straight and cis. Being trans and straight (which as it turns out, I am) would have been harder to deal with than being cis and gay. I don't know exactly how old you are, but if it's been going on for a while, I doubt it's a phase. While a lot of children will question their gender and then grow out of it, past puberty gender tends to be pretty well defined. If you're trans then, you're incredibly unlikely to become cis. While people can go through phases of questioning their gender, you seem to have been thinking this for a while. The only way to know for sure is to give it time, but I would assume at this point that it's unlikely to be a phase. I would advise thinking about the definite possibility that you are genderqueer. And good luck figuring it all out
It sounds like you're probably trans FTM, but I could be wrong. You should decide by yourself which gender fits you better. There are many gender identities out there, look for their definitions and people's experiences of those genders and see which one of them sounds right for you. Don't keep looking for it for a very long time, there are many other important things that you must take care in your life besides figuring out your gender and don't get frustrated if it takes too long. You will figure everything out soon.
Thanks darkcomesoon and Nightdream I really might not be cis, because it just doesn't fit, no binary thing does, I’m just a mix I guess. But after reading what you wrote, I think it really doesn't matter (or at least it shouldn’t matter). I don’t need a label, even less in this circumstance , since labels are supposed to simplify and explain to others in a single word what you feel, when we now that this just doesn’t work with labels that are less known (like pansexual, aromantic, agender, etc etc), which might be the case. Anyway, whether I like it or not, to the world I’m just a very casual girl or a tomboy, that hasn’t find a guy that made her feel beautiful. Which I now is stupid, but what am I really supposed to do? Nothing really… There are people having a worse times, so… But hey! Thanks for reading the awfully long text I wrote! :icon_bigg
