I got a binder but I was right, it's just not going to work right now. Every time I try it I feel even worse about myself because though it does flatten my chest a little, it doesn't look right at all. It just makes me look way out of proportion and even more noticeable because it's not like I even look like a big guy... I still just look like a big, but now odd looking girl. To be honest though, it's not even my chest that's bothering me the most right now, it's my face. I just tried out the binder one more time today, put on an outfit I like, and even put my hair up in a hat. Doesn't matter. I could do everything else and my face will give me away completely. And it's not even about passing right now, I don't care about what everyone else sees at the moment, it's just ME. I'm at home with no one around and feeling completely and utterly in hate with my face because it's not my face. It's just me today, but tomorrow or the next day it will be how I feel out there walking by everyone knowing what they see and knowing it's absolutely pointless to trying outwardly expressing (visually) what I am inside because I'll still be invisible. I know it's not forever, but today it's just hard.
Hey Alex, I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. God, its really the worst when the dysphoria monster awakens, especially when its directed at only yourself... and there's seemingly nothing you can do to help it... but tomorrow will be a new day. In the mean time, try to avoid mirrors if you can (I know for me those get pretty bad on bad days), and maybe throw on your comfiest most guy'ish clothes you've got, and watch your favorite movie, read your favorite book. Just something to distract yourself, I normally end up reading astronomy articles or doing creative writing on bad days. . . but I know how bad somedays can get, and the best advice I can give on those days is just be kind to yourself. Maybe go on a quiet walk or just sit under a tree (if its still day time) and then just call it an early night. I'm really sorry to hear your having a hard time, and I wish there was more I could do, but tomorrow's a new day. (*hug*) I hope you feel better soon. ~Wesley
