I came out as a lesbian last year, but it didn't feel "right." I began questioning my gender identity a couple of months ago, and I joined here to see if there were other stories like mine-- I am fortunate enough to have a solid real-life support system, but as no-one I know has been through any sort of gender questioning, I feel alone. My interests have always been a mix of stereotypical male/female, and neither. I just like to do what I like to do. Since I was a child, I have struggled with forming friendships with girls; the sense of camaraderie and same-ness isn't there, but it is with boys. I like to dress in all sorts of clothing (mostly "pretty-boy/don't-care androgynous," if I needed to describe it), and do my makeup sometimes; but if the only things that make me a "woman" are the body I was born in, some of the clothes I like, and the fact that I do my makeup once in a while… well, it's not a strong case for being a woman, is it? The older I get, the less I feel I can relate to women; I feel rather like an observer in groups of women. I am attracted to women, and I love women, but I never quite feel like I fit in. Even the women I admire most, I never look at and think, "I really want to be her." I just think, "She's absolutely amazing." In groups of men, however, I integrate easily, and feel completely comfortable on every level. It's natural to me. I find myself wanting to follow in the footsteps of men I admire, or find myself saying "let me be you/ I want to be just like you when I grow up"; I see myself in male characters; and when I imagine looking like men I consider "beautiful," it feels good. My thoughts on my body are issues I'll only discuss with a therapist, not here, but let's leave it at "I don't loathe it, but would feel pretty dang good if it was more 'male.'" If I had been assigned male, I feel I'd have made more sense to myself all along. Has anybody else had this sort of "low-key," or relatively simple beginning to their trans journey? (&&&)
I was thinking how best to answer your post. Then I remembered, I already made a similar post myself, also under "Gender identity ad expression". If you scroll down a bit you can read it, it's called "Transgender adventures". It's a bit more brief than this, and it''s not my entire story, but do feel free to read it. Hope you're feeling well and come to terms with who you are! HUgz (*hug*)
A bit I suppose TC, I remember being in Elementary school and looking at a girl and thinking "Wow I love her clothes, she looks cool, I wish I was her". Working alongside men felt odd, didn't quite click, but I felt a spark, like attraction or some sort of chemical play at work behind the scenes. Get older, things haven't changed, still want to wear off the shoulder tops with undergarments, and I've accepted my attractions. I'll say mine was a bit low key, since I transitioned 'late', but slow and steady I suppose.
Not sure how helpful I can be, since I'm not really much further along. I totally empathize with what you are saying though, as I've been there in one way or another. Although I guess for me, what may be different is that I've questioned why I couldn't have been born the opposite sex from my birth sex off and on for a long time. But those bouts been brushed off as something that is normal for people to deal with. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I was actually policing my behavior, and quashing a part of myself I wanted to indulge in. It was exposure to non-binary identities that really triggered it, since it was something I could be without having to accept the idea that I might be "fully trans". At least not right then. I tend to be uncomfortable in groups, no matter their gender. There are people I will open up to, but if they skew one way or another, it is because my friends' friends skew that way. So I understand a bit there, but don't really empathize with it well, unfortunately.
