confused as ever at 32 (bad therapists, off and on dysphoria and more)

Two years ago I came out as gay to quite a few people and anyone that would ask. It made sense for a while however it made no sense at the same time. I equated my equally masculine/feminine nature and affinity for certain kinds of guys to mean I was gay or at least bi. Within months that label made no sense and I was dead set on transitioning and living full time as a woman. I came out to a few people and my wife and she was supportive (although or relationship hadn't been intimate for two years or more). Then I went to sessions with a therapist and within the first day I was even more broken and could tell he had no business trying to help me. I went back one more time and then I was determined I could figure it out on my own.

Fast forward to a month ago and the waves of feeling wrong came crashing again. It really eats at me somedays. I'm an attractive guy. I'm tall and fit and get hit on by both sexes equally. However internally I've been a mess since childhood.

I have short hair and a trimmed beard and stay in shape. I lift weights when i feel "manly" and get excited to see my biceps and pecs and abs. ill put on fifteen pounds of muscle and things seem fine. Then weeks later I'll shave, epilate and pluck nearly every hair I find. I'll stop lifting heavy and go back to cardio, yoga and running and I'll be disgusted with my male features in my face and my lack of curves in my waist and hips. I'll stop looking in the mirror and get very reclusive.

Personality-wise there are at least three versions of me that show up regularly. My mannerisms and walk will be different and my interests change completely. Things that mattered don't and new things become so important. I speak differently. Bouncing from a typical well spoken male, to a more effeminate male and so on. It drives me insane. I used to think I was just being a chameleon and catering to the group. Then I'd fond myself being a different version of me with those very same people. I've had others call me out and say I seem mad or some other emotion that I'm not because my tone, word choice, demeanor and mannerisms change.

I fully aware of this behavior later and I just don't know who the hell I am or want to be. I don't care what others think of me but I can't even figure out what I want. My goals shift constantly and my friendships wane and I meet new people. I don't even know what the point of writing this was. I just am super frustrated with my mixed thoughts and this constant typical guy, femme gay boy and androgynous- to female switch that gets flipped. I never know what version of me is going to show up and I have been sitting in my car at work crying on my lunch. Not so rad.

<3
Lucky

 

Not that I've seen. I live in a city that is dragging on passing anti-discriminatory ordinance because they aren't sure there is a "problem". Way too many churches and opposition. There have been articles published about people remaining closeted and their friends don't even know they're lgbt. I could always look at other nearby cities. This part of the country is pretty terrible compared to the west coast.

As far as bottling it in, I try not to but finding people that actually understand or want to listen are hard to find it seems.