So, I might ramble a bit, and I apologize in advance for that. I have a tendency to do that. But I am looking for some help with my gender identity. And I know I'm the only one who can truly figure things out. But I'm seeking some guidance nonetheless. I also wasn't sure if this was the right forum for this or not. But considering I'm not really "coming out" to anyone besides myself, I thought this might be the place. If it's not please feel free to move it to the correct forum. Okay, so now that I've gotten that out of the way, on to my 'story/issue.' Beginning when I was a kid, I remember never wanting to touch female clothing, and I barely tolerated playing with dolls/etc. Of course this was contributed to my tomboy behavior, I was more of a 'let's play with Tonka!' then, 'Barbie and Ken are having a wedding!' Nothing really strange about that, lots of little girls are like that. However when I was younger I also remember having a series of conversations with my mother (who, I should note is an orthodox Christian, and a homophobe.) I would ask her, "I wish I was a guy." And, "do you think I'll ever be able to be one?" (Though the latter was when I was a bit older and learned of corrective surgery.) Her answer was always the same, a laugh and a "god made you perfect the way you are." When I was around ten (or putting my toes into puberty) I realized that I had an attraction to girls. Not really a sexual one, but then again I did not have a sexual attraction to males either. In fact I found sex to be an awkward thing. And I still do, which is why I identify as an Asexual. I remember I'd always tell myself, "wouldn't it be great if you were a guy who was dating a girl? Wouldn't that be perfect." But I trekked through that, determined to tell myself that it was simply my hormones acting up. For the longest time I refused to identify with the gay community at all, as like I said I was raised in a highly homophobic home. When I started to understand there was nothing wrong with being homosexual/bisexual/whatever I came out as 'bisexual.' It wasn't the real truth, but it was a "compromise." I told my mother maybe two or three months after telling some of my friends, and she didn't throw a fit, didn't yell like I figured she would. She simply told me I'd grow out of it, and that I had been stressed out and confused. That was... six years ago now? Six or seven, I can't really remember too well. For awhile I was trying to figure out my sexuality, as well as my identity in terms of gender. I think my therapist/social worker at the time knew that I was questioning my gender. As she'd always ask, "so do you think you'd be happy as a boy?" Or, "what do you think about transgendered people?" I kept on telling her no, I was a female, who happened to like other females. But I was a female nonetheless. Actually looking back on it now I realize how defensive I actually was with her. Over the course of the last couple of years I've been ironing myself out. I know now that I am definitely Asexual, and happy with that. But all this time I am still thinking about the fact that I would be happier as a male. And how I think I'd be less stressed out, and less irritated. But the thought and when I think on it... it makes my stomach drop, and my skin burn. The same feeling I had when I realized I wasn't heterosexual. I just need some help. I know most transgendered people say that they never had a doubt. But I think I may? Though I'm not sure if it's an actual doubt or the fear that something will go wrong, or people will hate me, or that I'll fall apart even more. My feelings of happiness towards the thought of being male are overridden by fear and anxiety on the topic. All I know is when someone calls me by male pronouns online, or when I get mistaken as a male in real life, it always makes me happy. I would just really like some help. Or even someone to talk to. Please?
I'll do my best to help, based on what you've said here. I don't intend to speak for all the trans folk out there, so I won't. But despite the popular image of a transgender person "feeling this way" from the beginning of their lives, from the moment they became conscious beings, you should know that is far from the full picture and it is not illustrative of every trans person's experience. For one reason or another, some people realize later in their life that transgender is a term they can use to describe themselves. Why the reason for the wait? Oftentimes because we are brought up in an environment that teaches us not to question the gender we were "born as," and to accept the truths that are spoon-fed to us. Such an environment can condition us to repress things so far that they get buried deep and it can take a long time to surface. It can take even longer than that for you to face those desires without feeling shame. But if something is truly important to you and your identity it will come back time and time again no matter how far you try to squash it, outrun it, whatever. The fact that you like being mistaken as a male or being called a male pronoun makes you happy, and that simple truth is not a truth that should be ignored because it is inconvenient. It clearly resonates with you on some level. You've done it good job in getting to the point where you can analyze yourself and your desires, even if some of what you find makes you uncomfortable. What's most important right now is that you analyze, as concretely as you can (and I would recommend you write this out to yourself) what it might be about being perceived/treated as a male that appeals to you ... be specific, it will help you. After that, write out what kinds of fears are holding you back. For me, the source of my fears can be boiled down to two basic categories: *I am wrong about being transgender. Something in me is just really confused, maybe broken. *Nobody will accept me, people will hate me, I will lose everything. For the first fear, I remind myself that my are the strongest indicator of my self-identity. Really, that fear that "I've got it all wrong" likely stems from the world around me that did its best to tell me from a young age that it must be "wrong" to think the way I do/be who I'm most comfortable being. For the second fear, I admit to myself that if I am always looking to be accepted by people I will be eternally unsatisfied. To have some close friends who can accept me, that's enough. They are enough to keep me going, and honestly? They're what keeps me living every day. So compare those desires you have with your fears, and think strongly about how you would act on those desires, what you would have to gain from doing so vs. doing nothing about it. And keep your friends close. Build trust with them. It is so important to have their support.
