This site was the first place I saw much talk of internalized homophobia and transphobia. To be honest, I think it's affected me very strongly. I never thought I was hateful until I actually began to seriously think I was transgender myself. Now I feel incredibly torn. Some days I want to look like a girl and do girly things, but then once in a while, I feel disgusted with myself. I start thinking the whole thing is sick and perverted. I know and believe that's not true. I don't want to think those things at all, and most of the time I don't. But I have to pretend every moment of the day that I'm an ordinary guy. If someone says something negative about the trans community, I keep quiet for fear of raising suspicion. Thanks to the commotion over the Indiana law, there's at least one anti-LGBT post in my Facebook feed every day. My parents say things like, "You can grow your hair out, as long as you don't look like a girl." When I spend nearly every moment of the day as a pretend-Florestan, I begin to lose touch with my true self. I'm tired, and I don't want to keep fighting this. But I know if I let those thoughts win, they'll wreak havoc on my mind. I'm in a situation where I can't seek counseling, unless I want to be told my doubts about my gender are sinful. Can anyone give me advice on how to overcome the hatred?
Heh ^^" I can't say I'd be any help to you, but when I was reading this, I couldn't help but catch this little part here. I know exactly what you're talking about. I get the same way sometimes. I got lucky and made some friends who've expressed a desire to support me, and it's made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I still have some hesitation and often times feel exactly the same as you do about it, but it's made it easier. I wish I could tell you the answer to how to get over this, but I'm still there myself. I can tell you though that if you find good people who support you, keep them close and even dealing with this can get easier.
I have two friends who know, and they've been really helpful so far. One introduced me to EC, and the other offered to help me experiment with clothes at her house. I'd be in a lot worse shape right now if it weren't a shared secret.
Those times when you catch yourself having thoughts that who you are and what you like is inherently wrong, keep in mind that it's often just your surrounding environment, and the many problems in that environment, that make you feel the way you are because you have a personal difference setting you apart from your environment. You can be different without being wrong. Of course there's more than one way to live life. Keep your head up and walk the path through life that is right for you. Not the path someone else says you should walk. Take your own footsteps on it and decide for yourself.
