Hey y'all. So recently - tuesday, I think - I came out to my mum via email. She didn't respond, and that made me quite worried, but when I texted her to ask, she said she had read it, and didn't comment. So when I came home today, she was acting really strange. Like, she was calling me my birth name more than usual, and suddenly called me something like a 'sugar girl' and stuff. She've never done that before, and I'm afraid that me coming out has leaded to this. On the other side, she was super supportive when I asked her if I could cut my hair short, and she was totally chill with me putting all my dresses and skirts in a plastic bag and asked her to drop it off at a recycle box. That's really nice, but I really don't like her thinking about me as a girl, but I don't know if I shall call her out. She've not tried to talk about the email, not even refered to it once. I really want to talk to her, but I have no clue how to start and what to say. I understand it's a big thing for her, and that she's probably very surprised, but that does not mean she can completely ignore my feelings as they are very true. Do some of you have some ideas on how to talk to her so she understands this is for real?
Hi! First of all - congrats on coming out! That takes a lot of guts. I seem to be in the same shoes as you. It seems as if you're mom isn't totally set against you being trans, but is just taking the time to absorb the information. It's a good sign that she let you get that far (clothes + hair), but I know that it's really hurtful to be called a girl, etc. when you are uncomfortable with that... I would recommend (if you're comfortable) to just set time aside and talk to her. Maybe you could go on a walk or to a restaurant so she can't back away or change the subject? You could say, "Hey, mom, could we talk for a bit about that email I sent you?" Or something like that. It's important to let her know that she is saying and doing things that make you uncomfortable, and you could ask her outright if she could stop doing so. I came out to my mom (partially) and she doesn't even acknowledge it now, so I understand at least a bit of what you're going through. Stay strong! I'm really proud you made it this far. Sorry I couldn't help you out more! Hopefully some others can contribute as well.
My mom really discourages me from talking about my gender identity when I'm with her. At first I was doing it because I thought I had an obligation to share my feelings with her and grow closer, but most of her remarks were just stuff like "you're going to experience so much hate," and "it's so weird, I just can't see this for you," etc. Then she said she was concerned for my mental health and called me obsessive about my gender and that I don't have anything else going on in my head or in my life. That's when I decided she just wasn't cut out for being someone I could go to for support. Sometimes I think that she acted this way because I rushed her and went to talk to her about this stuff too much, and she couldn't handle it and so she reacted really badly. It's awkward as fuck having normal conversations with her even, considering how much she can't stand the truth.
Thank you both! I had a huge advantage with her being out of the country though. I really don't know if she's against it or what. She was really nice this morning though. Yesterday she bought me to sport bras, and when I came down this morning she - very excited - said 'wow it looks like you have no breasts!' I don't know if it was a compliment related to me being trans, but I think so. Earlier she came up and told me that we would talk about the letter tomorrow, 'cause 'she hadn't forgot it'. So I'm really nervous actually, 'cause she's my mum and I wanna keep being friends with her, and I don't think it will be a positive conversation. ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2015 at 02:25 PM ---------- That sounds awful - I feel sorry for you :/ I can't stand the thought of losing my mum to my identity - thats ridiculous. ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2015 at 02:26 PM ---------- I'm sorry to hear that - that's even worse than mine. I'll try. Thanks.
Update: Talked to her, and she thinks it's a phase, that I'm confused and she doesn't believe me, because 'I was rather girly as child' and wore dresses. Great with some support...
Explain how you feel. Try to convince her that it's not a phase. Was wearing dresses just social pressure? If so, tell her that. If she persists you could ask her how she knows the fact that she is cisgender / heterosexual isn't just a phase. Convince her to take you to your GP, so you can be referred to a gender therapist. That should help with persuading her, if the therapist will talk to her.
I'm sorry to hear your mom believes it's a phase. I agree with what Jack I Think said above about getting a gender therapist. That would be really important and could help her understand the situation better, and make it less scary for her as well. Also, could you ask her to go with it even though she thinks it's a phase? Like if you said something like "if it's a phase I'll let you know as soon it's over, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could just go with it for now." It probably won't change anything, but it might help her soften up a little bit by making it seem like less of an argument and more of a discussion. It really depends on your mother, you probably already know whether that will help at all or not. In my experience denial often can't be resolved by reason, so appealing to your mothers emotions and her desire not to hurt you may be more useful in this case. Be as understanding as you can of her position too, and let her ease into idea that you're really her son. Having a child who is trans is a very difficult thing for a parent, as they might feel they are losing you and will have to grieve. Part of the grieving process is denial. Take this "analysis" with a whole bucket of salt, as I don't know your mother and I'm not a psychic, but based on the (extremely little) information in this thread it seems she is in the denial stage at the moment. It does not sound like she is being aggressive, pretending you never said anything or avoiding the issue entirely, rather she is denying the truth by coming up with arguments that make her feel safe. I think she will come around eventually, but you will have to be patient with her, as much as that totally sucks! I hope your situation improves soon. (*hug*)
Jack I Think; about dresses: I don't remember, I was like, six. I think it's because they're so comfortable. I mean, you can move perfectly in them. That's actually a good idea. I'll ask her that. Thanks! I'm soon seeing a normal psychologist, so I think I'll ask that person. Or would that be a waste of time - could that person even help? I don't think she thinks it's scary. I think she just thinks it's a teenage-phase. Like, some people are goth, emo, tomboy or stuff for a short period - or longer - and some are for life. I don't think she realise this is for real, 'cause I haven't always acted as boy-ish as she thinks you should have to be trans. I'm thinking about telling her that, actually. In this way she'll think I'm more 'on her side', and I don't have to mention that I never have to tell her it's over. Well, right now she don't care about hurting me. I've told her that it really hurts when she rejects my identity, and she just didn't care(that was even worse). Yeah, it might be something like that. I tried to explain to her, that I was the same inside, I just wanted the outside to match, but maybe she's still 'surprised' as she said. I don't think she'll come around anytime soon. She has a lot going on - she's pretty stressed, she has an autistic kid who just came out of psychiatric hospital and is diagnosed with both anxiety and depression(it's really hard for her to handle) and my little sister who just don't know when to give my mum some rest. I hope one day she'll be fine with it. At least she's fine with me throwing dresses out and cutting my hair, so I won't ask for more - at this time, at least. Thanks (*hug*)
It's true, she may not know exactly how to deal with it, and also if she is stressed out about other family matters, it could be a contributing factor. If you are comfortable where you are now, that's great! If you are comfortable leaving this topic to simmer for a while, and casually mention it later when/if you want to progress or do something else, then maybe she will see that you didn't forget about it, and it is something serious to you. Best of luck! Congrats on how far you have gotten!
Yeah, I'll give her some time. I'm not really, but I know it's a lot of things right now, so I won't rub it in my mums face all the time. Some day I'm gonna bring it up, but I think it's right, that I should just let it be. Was actually thinking about coming out to my stepmother as she's been a great support to me, but it turns out that she is transphobic. Thank you Folieadeux! Lots of luck with your email!