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"Oh, s**t" moments

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Minnie, Apr 13, 2015.

  1. Minnie

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    As a lot of trans people can relate to, disphoria can worsen when you realise you're trans. You explore who you are more, so you notice what's wrong more. (I know not all trans people are unhappy with their bodies and don't see it them as problems but some do.) It hits you harder the body you're in, what you have, what you don't have, how others see you, what you "are". It's depressing.
    (And then I start questioning if I'm really trans or perhaps gender fluid, because it can /almost/ be like I see things in different ways. Then I remember how terrible I've felt. And I know I'm not wholly honest with this stuff to others, and want to avoid how I feel. But I also wonder if this is something I've created. I think about it a lot. Maybe I have a jump back to ""girl"" when I get really bad.)
    I need a hug.
    :help::tears::icon_sad::cry:
     
  2. Tardis221B

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    Hey,

    I'm so sorry to hear that dysphoria is getting you down... its really awful when it strikes. (*hug*)

    I know that trying to dish out advice or solutions isn't probably what you want right now; I know that when I'm dysphoric, I honestly won't even listen to what advice other's are giving me... later sometimes I go back and try to keep it in mind for the future, but yeah those moments aren't easy.

    For later....(I find that writing, painting, listening to music, creative outlets sometimes help, but who I am kidding, when dysphoria hits I don't have the energy to do any of those things. Sometimes its best, and perfectly okay, just to put on your comfiest baggiest pair of sweats and go to sleep, even if its 2 in the afternoon.)

    Sending virtual hugs your way (*hug*) and if it helps, know that you're not alone. I really hope you feel better soon.

    -Matt
     
    #2 Tardis221B, Apr 13, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2015
  3. ForNarnia

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    *hugs* (*hug*) If you need to talk to anyone, feel free to message me. I'm not an expert on this topic, but I'd be happy to try and help out. I hope things get better real soon :slight_smile:
     
  4. Im Hazel

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    Aw, hugs. (*hug*) (&&&) (*hug*) Dysphoria is a monster isn't it? I get it most days, now.

    I kind-of had a few moments like that, except it felt like more of a "wait, what?" moment. I was on EC, lurking. I had just come to terms with the fact that I like men, and wanted to hear other people's stories. So, I started to look into the "Gender Identity and Expression" section. I didn't really even know what that meant. And suddenly everything clicked. "Wait, what? I've been a girl and this time and never realized. Oh that makes sense." For the next few days, it was like my head was a slow old computer going through, reassigning memories to justify my gender. Then I started to read up, and learned about dysphoria. "Wait what? That's why I have been depressed and hating myself for years!" And there were a few more, but this post feels long.

    Also, remember that labels describe you, not define you. Don't let them rule your life. You are stressing about whether you are trans or genderfluid - don't. Weigh up your facts & feeling and come to a conclusion when you are ready. There is no real rush for it. Don't stress, chill. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Im Hazel, Apr 13, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2015
  5. Queero

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    (*hug*)

    I wonder too. Am I trans trans? Or am I genderfluid? What if I'm wrong? I understand.
     
  6. Jellal

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    My big oh sh*t moment mainly cropped up late november/early december of last year. For a while I'd felt kinda like I definitely didn't feel like what I looked like on the outside. I had days and nights when I would feel especially nihilistic and kind of mad at the world. I knew I hated my name but I didn't quite know why. And I felt like a monster inside, like some kind of oozy homunculus covered in eyes. Internally I was very isolated from the people around me, and I didn't want to let them in to see how frustrated I was. I had jack shit figured out about myself. Anything that had to do with sex, in my mind, was just perversion and didn't have deeper significance. After all, truth is in the spirit, not the body! That was my inner philosopher talking. (Ironic thing is, I figured my spirit, if there was such a thing that I had, was a girl. So I guess a clue of some sort was there.)

    I was doing some creative writing exercises when I hit on a section asking me to write about a character's sex/gender. It was me just fact-checking the difference between the definition of sex and the definition of gender that slapped me in the face big time and make me think, you know what, it's time I wrote about my thoughts on sex/gender instead of filing it all under "perversion." I sat down and wrote like a hundred pages ... pretty much realized over the next couple of days, I had catalogued solid analysis of like my whole past seven years of living. That's when I decided I really had to do something about this and stop running away.

    Granted since then it's been harder then before to look in the mirror and not see what I want. However there are times, rare though they may be, when without my glasses I can be vaguely pleased from the perspective that I've made progress and I am at least less hairy than I once was.
     
  7. Minnie

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    Thanks everyone :slight_smile:
    I feel bad when people send genuine "get betters" etc, because they're so sincere, and yet when I read them I think I'm not trans because part of me doesn't relate, or I try imagining talking to someone in person and it not feeling right. Hence the "have I made this up? Is this actually disphoria, like what others feel?" thing. Like right now I feel like a girl and am fine with it. I did feel crap earlier though, whatever it was. So I am truly, honestly sorry if I've brought up any bad memories, and in no way am I ungrateful for your messages because I really do appreciate your kindness. I worry I'm getting undeserved sympathy; I don't want to do that to people.
    And then the requestioning pops up... agh. Do I maybe just not want to let people in to how I (can) feel?
    Welcome to my brain.
     
    #7 Minnie, Apr 13, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2015
  8. Acm

    Acm Guest

    My dysphoria got so much worse after I realized I was trans :frowning2:

    I still remember when I was first questioning my gender, and I saw a list of common dysphoria symptoms, and I was shocked to realize that there was a name for that feeling I'd had for my whole life. Every now and then I'll still have doubts, but they mostly come about because I get scared of transitioning and try to convince myself I can't do it. When I look back on the rest of my life now it seems a lot more obvious.
     
  9. MojoDojo

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    Once I figured out I was genderfluid, my dysphoria got worse. Once I realized that I'm mostly a guy (but not fully, hence trans-masculine and not transman), it got worse still. It's still limited to my chest, but it's there.

    Sometimes I question whether I'm making this up to torture myself. Or if I'm going too fast. But when I'm alone, and just am able to think, I can quite honestly say I am a masculine person. I'm not a girl. I don't think I ever was, I just didn't know what that meant.
     
  10. Outlier

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    It's true. Since I've come out to myself it seems to get worse and worse all the time.
     
  11. CJliving

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    I posted something similar a while back, talking about "pandora's box". (*hug*) And I don't have body dysphoria, basically at all, so I definitely get that doubt as well.

    You are who you are, and no one and nothing can tell you different! (*hug*)
     
  12. Daydreamer1

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    My dysphoria was always lingering with me before I came out. I remember being four and throwing a temper tantrum about binary art projects (girls have to do pink and boys have to do blue) and it was so insulting to being six or seven and holding back tears in the school bathroom over being sent to school in a skirt.

    I think one thing that fucked with me after the realization of being trans hit me like a train was part of me wasn't sure how genuine my feelings were and how much of them were this internalized confession and guilt trip I put myself through with a friend I had a crush on, telling myself had I been born male that I would have had a chance with her--that still creeps up on me sometimes and it can mess with you.

    I don't have doubts anymore, but more or less moments where I ask myself if any of this is really worth it, if I'm ever going to become the man I see myself as in my dreams, and if there's a chance in hell that I can ever go stealth for my protection or personal well being (especially since the trans community has the worst problem with stealth shaming). I'm going through the "is it even worth it" process right now with trying to figure out how I'm going to go about getting my name changed; more or less about how stressful and tedious it is than money at this very moment.
     
  13. C P

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    I wish I could relate a bit more so I could be more supportive here...

    I can at least put out there that, as I have mentioned in other threads, that I have my moments where I hate having 'gender(ed) parts'. :\

    I suppose I can join in on this big hug though, since you say that would help, because I don't see how you are making up anything, from the looks of it.