Another date ran out on me after I told her I was trans. This was our third date and we were hitting it off really well and we complimented each others' appearances and hugged and kissed quite a bit (no making out yet, I always out myself before heavy physical affection). She said I was really hot, with beautiful eyes and a cute tummy and a perfect butt. I told her two minutes later, she got up "to use the bathroom," paid her tab at the bar, and left the restaurant. Answered neither of my texts asking where she went and if she was okay. Just left. This is one of many times this has happened, and it only hurts worse with time. If I come out at the start, they never even make a date. And I don't blame them. They want a woman, with a woman's parts and a woman's past. Not a freak who used to be a boy and got incurably deformed by male puberty. Their preferences are valid. I hate being a monster. I haven't been touched lovingly in 10 years, and I'm 25. I just want to be held. Cuddled against as I sleep. Share my life with a woman, so long as my life is that of a real woman. But it never will be. I'll always be an abomination, and as an abomination I will always be alone, as though I never existed. I should have never existed. Less suffering for me and one less whiner to annoy the real people. I didn't ask to be born and I would have refused if I was told I'd be a trans woman. Maybe this is a punishment. I'm evil or something so i can't achieve my only dream: being just a normal girl in love with another woman. It's not to be. I'm broken and malformed and the die is cast and I just have to shamble through this joke, this shadow of a real life until the universe gets bored and lets me die.
Don't worry. You'll find someone eventually. And you are not a monster, or a freak. You are you - beautiful and unique. It is really sad to hear this story - my heart goes out to you. But if you persevere, I am sure that you will prevail.
There are many lesbian relationships where one of the women was dmab. I see them all of the time. Is SRS an option if you're worried about your downstairs? I understand the dating pool drops in numbers the more we have to explain our situation, but I wholeheartedly believe that you just have to keep searching. You're doing the right thing by being up front and not stringing them along and you will find someone that loves you for you. You got dealt a shitty hand by not being born cis, but you also understand and have experiences that have made you a better person and there are women out there who won't be hung up on that.
If you've ever seen the musical Rent, you would know what Rogers mom says about Maureen, "There are plenty of fishes in the sea!" Keep this in mind as you progress through relationships. And there will always be someone who loves you. Never first that. As for the girl? Her loss. Good luck, remain positive, and have fun! Best wishes, Bernie
sadly this happens to most of us but there is hope , for every person who does not give you a chance there is someone who is more than willing to give you a chance and see where things go from there . I have tried a dating site before and it just didnt work for me but I have met people on other websites who would give me a chance if they were single or became attracted to me , and maybe someday people will simply accept us as we are and not treat us like we are not worthy of their time when we deserve to be treated like we are human and not freaks of nature .
Thanks everyone. It just feels hopeless. I'm not going to be able to afford bottom surgery in the foreseeable future so this is just going to keep happening and feel worse every time. I get dates just fine but EVERYONE leaves once they know I'm trans. I've been dating since I was a teenager and never once had a relationship and the mention of the trans thing always marked the last date. ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2015 at 04:06 PM ---------- I feel like I'm polluted. Diseased. Tainted.
I get what you mean , I have had people message me (or message me back ) and seem interested in me leave, treat me like a freak and tell me never to talk to them again once they found out that I am trans , what makes things even worst is that they have a double standard where most of those same people have no problem with trans-masculine people (faab non binary people included) and even will consider them more worthy of their time as well as attraction (I hope I do not offend anyone by this,but I am stating my experiences as well as what I have heard from others who have dealt with this)
Pansexual women are pretty much a sure fire way for dating when trans, and even some straight people see trans folk as who they are and dont see a difference. They're are plenty of people out there, you just gotta explain before the date or find pansexual women instead of just lesbian women. Good luck to you sweetheart!
i understand exactly what you are going through. you have managed to do more than me though. i avoid any situations where i might start getting interested in a girl because i would want to be out with her but i would be terrified of not being accepted.
Revealed it during messages before the first date after we were hitting it off and were about to schedule something and true to form she "just wasn't into that." This isn't the first time this has happened. It isn't the tenth. I stopped counting it happens so much. If I'm up front before the date, I never get any dates, and if i tell them on a date, they either leave immediately or rush it to a conclusion and then break off communication, and I've gotten called a creep and a freak and a pervert in both cases by women of all sorts of sexualities other than straight because i don't date straight girls (and this pattern has held for ten years now). I don't know what I should do differently. Maybe I'm just not desirable and I'll always be alone no matter what I do because I had the wonderful, enriching experience of being born a boy and then irreparably deformed by testosterone. Maybe I should just stop trying. Just get used to being a reluctant shut-in. I wish I were normal, cis, REAL instead of an ogre whose disgusting body scares away LBT women. I know I've said it a lot but I do very strongly wish I had been spared my own birth so I wouldn't be forced to live like this, and as this thing. ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2015 at 10:16 PM ---------- This just happened tonight.
Ever tried online dating websites like *******. They have more than two gender options so you can just be upfront on there about being trans woman, can put a blurb about it in your profile. And then the people who do message you are already aware and will be the ones willing and worth it.
I used to have it in my profile but then no one ever messaged me or responded to me. I don't think I'm being insufficiently up front when people learn it before we do anything involving my body in any serious way or if things start getting emotionally serious. I really think it's just that no one wants me considering (1) I get way more communication when it's not on my profile page, (2) I only ever get dates when people don't know I'm trans yet, and (3) when people have been in contact with me and stopped or broken it off, it was always within minutes of "the reveal." To clarify, I'm not having trouble deciding when to reveal I'm trans. I'm venting that I've been trying to date for 10 years and the fact that I'm stuck in this AMAB body has ruined my chances of getting into a relationship because the vast majority of people wouldn't want a trans woman when there are all these much more conventionally desirable cis women walking around. I'm not surprised nobody wants me. I'm upset that I only got one life and I have to spend it as something nobody wants.
I don't mean to sound harsh with this. I just hope this broadens your perspectives: You're talking about how nobody could want you because you're trans in a body assigned as male at birth. But think about it—there are some people in a VERY similar position to you (trans, AMAB) who complain about just the opposite: that there are people who fetishize them! So it's not like nobody could ever be attracted to you. Stop telling yourself that. Really, what good does that do? Is it going to help you get a date? No. It's a waste of energy on your part to hurl insults at yourself. If you're looking for a satisfying relationship, you lower your chances of finding it *SIGNIFICANTLY* if you "drop the trans bomb" and go for the "reveal," as you've put it. Does this mean covering the truth up? No! It means being up-front from the start. Otherwise you are most likely setting yourself up from disappointment. Be real, hiding facts about yourself from a partner isn't exactly a confidence builder for your date. You can tell me that it's futile, that you've tried it all before and nothing works, you can write a post back to me saying that there's no chance in hell you'll ever find someone, etc, etc. BUT there have been lots of people in the same place as you, and there will be more in the future in the same place as you, I guarantee it, who WILL find that special someone. You weren't born to be some kind of scientifically unloveable specimen. Also, don't complain about the vast majority. Stop thinking that way. You're not going to form a meaningful relationship with the "vast majority." If you're like most people in the world, it'll come down to one person. It's about the individual who accepts YOU for YOU.
I think you got to the rub of it. People will leave me if I tell them down the line, but even knowing it's probably doomed to fail at least this way I get dates. Someone looks at me like I'm beautiful and desirable and maybe someone worth loving, even if only for a moment in time before they learn what I am and recoil in horror. There's no fear of being fetishized, which is also something I experience and it isn't that people want me TOO MUCH, they just see me as a penis attached to a vaguely woman-like thing and they'll dump me when they find someone prettier, too. Those moments, as much as I want to die when they're ripped away inevitably, are moments where I really get to live as I wanted to be: just a girl, unencumbered by physical deformities or a past where i was a "boy." I'm never the same as a cis girl to anyone who knows, not even to my friends. There are things that are only discussed with me when the person doesn't know. Except those friends who knew me as just a woman first and I told them and they stayed, rare as they are. They were shocked and weird at first but now things are normal with them in a way that people who never thought I was cis can never manage with me. I'm different from the start to them, and I'll never be one of the girls. Efforts to include me are kind of forced, if they happen at all, with the friends who always knew. I don't want the pattern that comes with people always knowing me to apply to my relationship with someone I'm going to spend my entire life with. Besides always worrying they're a fetishist or looking at me as a pretty feminine boy instead of a real girl when they think about me aesthetically or sexually, I'm worried that outside of romance I'll be a quasi-female to them, someone they can't relate to as they do to cis women. Something else. I'm trying to recreate the pattern that led to my best friendships where I feel the most equal, and more importantly normal. Maybe that's stupid of me. Maybe I'm asking more than the world can give. I'm not looking for perfection. I'm not even choosy about partners. It's not like I'm a catch of any value such that I can afford to be picky and wait until my Princess Charming comes along when my "someone" from the aphorism "there's someone for everyone" likely doesn't exist. I want to be loved like I was born normal, and that is the only thing I want that I can actually have in this worthless life, and because I got stuck with this trans curse I'm barely invested in life at all (I have no ambition, no interest in my career other than what it takes to support myself and not contribute to evil and oppression in the world, no other experiences I particularly care whether I have them or not). I want the pain to stop, the loneliness to end, and to be able to share my love with someone who loves me like I'm a whole woman, and i want not one thing else in the world.
I'm not going to let you talk yourself back into a corner. You need to be thinking differently. I don't care if I sound like a broken record. Call it a curse if you want, but it doesn't do any good denying your unique circumstances ... no lasting good. All you get out of it are fleeting relationships that hurt more than they help. You realize this, and you said it yourself. So don't go down that road again. You already know where it ends. I can understand wanting to be loved fully and truly by someone. But wanting to be loved "as if you were born normal" is an idea predicated on denying the truth. It requires ignorance to maintain. Do you see how harmful that way of thinking is? That's the real "false expectation" here. Learn to be optimistic about the things that actually matter, and can actually help you—not the temporary solutions, not the brief instances where you feel validated only to be tragically shattered because of your transgender burden. Stop settling for that, and believing it's all you're worth. Your world can be bigger than that. If you don't believe there's someone out there for you, you've made it your choice to believe that. If I were you I'd choose to believe you can find someone who truthfully loves you, because then there's no covering up to do. There's no nagging worries or doubts. Instead of looking at yourself in comparison to the "desirable other," consider loving yourself a little more, and try to get a bit more out of life in general, while you're at it ... wanting nothing in the world but love, and seeing everything else as worthless, it doesn't seem like you'd be a particularly enjoyable conversation partner. Love life and love yourself, and see if affection remains impossible. You're not the one person in history consigned to romantic damnation because your gender doesn't match the sex you were assigned at birth. All of your doubts and self-destructive words are connected to the statement "because I am A, it is impossible for me to achieve B" which is blatantly false. Have you hardwired yourself to doubt and deny any possibility of a better outcome, of a different path? Are you still thinking to yourself, at this moment, of a reply that will justify and defend the way you've been thinking so far, despite the evident misery it's brought you? Do you take comfort in being completely inconsolable, and swatting away any possible solution? I doubt you've hit such a dead end. The very fact that you're reaching out in the first place must mean that you are looking for a solution, and not admitting defeat. So I take it you have enough mental fortitude to not just read what I'm saying, but to take the words to heart and live differently. It sounds to me like it's about time you learned from your losses instead of repeating the same mistakes. But it's really up to you to change your outlook.
Amira, I'm sorry you are hurting. What you described hit me, 'cause I'm about to face the very same rejection you described, after a long time of "sucess" by trying to fake it. Yes, we want to be loved as we are... Would you like to be with somebody who is staying with you, giving you all the hugs and love you need, but is unhappy because you told her too late, when she didn't had really an option, when you forced her to feel miserable for leaving you? I think you are doing the right thing by telling them, by being brave enough to be honest. There was a time when I was all but honest to my partners, and the sorrow I have caused will follow me until the day I die. Look, you can't control how they take it, the only thing you can control is how YOU take it. We know it's not fair, life rarely is fair... That doesn't mean you are wrong, or unlucky, you are who you are right now, same as you were who you were, and you will be who you will be depending on your choices. A partnership is not easy... I've been in 3 LTRs and I tell you it can feel like hell at times. All the hugs and love and kind words are not presents : They are given by someone who admires a quality in you. Sadly we live on a world where most of people love the physical quality, instead of the mental quality. You'll be judged same as I will, same as we all here will. It's up to us to call us awful names, bang our heads against a wall and give up to despair. Again I tell you : You can't control them. Even if I risk being wrong here, let me tell you another thing : The fact that somebody else loves you won't be a great help to your own self steem... When they take their love away, your self steem will dissapear. Monsters are only to be found on "B" movies from the past. The jerk who dares to call you something like this is probably a monster herself. Don't let them hurt you. If you are a girl, then you are a girl, and there is nobody or anything in this world that can ever take that away from you. Have a hug, one of the million you deserve.
This may sound extreme, but... have you tried not telling people? Please discuss. Maybe it could be the way that you tell people, more than the 'fact' itself? To me it sounds like the problem is with the marketing, not the merchandise! Three dates?! Come on, I should be asking you for advice! What's your secret? Date #1 is a success by definition, but how do you get past that 2nd date lull where you realise it was a "pity date" and they were giving you a chance to make a good second impression? I suppose you could make it a game, similar to "truth or dare" where you urge them to try and guess your terrible secret. "Was it prison? Did you brutally murder someone? Please say no!" "No." That sort of thing. You need to soften them up first, don't just drop the bombshell unexpectedly.
First off, we shouldn't even genderize genitals in the first place, that's the one fuck up us shitty humans made when we all started to come into existence. Men can have vaginas and boobs, women can have no boobs and a dick. Sometimes people even have all the parts, but it still goes down to the key meaning; whatever you identify as is what you are. It doesn't matter what you look like, dress like, sound like, have, or don't have. You are you and you are what you want to be. It can't be changed or helped, you don't choose how you feel (in some cases you do), you just do and that's that. Don't let petty shit dates bring you down (not trying to invalidate your experiences), cause when everything goes into place it will be the best thing in the world. Just you wait. <3
