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How can a cis person support a Trans friend in the beginning?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wontwalkblindly, Apr 18, 2015.

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  1. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Omg okay so a couple weeks ago my friend told me that they think they were supposed to be a guy. I accept them of course, but I don't know really how to support them or help the, out. I gave them a couple links to YouTube channels (FTMtranstastic and Uppercasechase1) and told them that if they feel like they are meant to transition that they should do it. They found a new name, but said a week ago that they didn't really care what they were called.
    Tonight they messaged me, "I don't want to be (birth name) anymore" and I said, "okay. Like you want to be (new name)?" And they have answered yet, but I just don't know what to do. Im pretty sure that's what they meant. I don't have personal experience with this kinda thing (I mean i have gay friends but that's different). but I love them and I want to be there for them. I just don't know how. Any advice? Or any resources I can use or pass on to them? Are there any hotlines for talking about it that aren't specifically for suicide?
    Thank you so much.
     
    #1 wontwalkblindly, Apr 18, 2015
  2. Tai

    Tai
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    It really means a lot when a supportive friend educates them on the subject, to help them understand us, or at least gain a bit of empathy.

    When I told my friend, she said she'd be there for me and that she was supportive. I thought, "Well, this is great." And I was genuinely appreciative. And it would have been great just if she stopped at that point. To listen to what I said, exchange sympathies, and try to offer advice. But she went beyond that and watched a show about transgender people, and got a bit educated. Granted, I think it happened to come on when she was bored, and decided to watch it. But at least she didn't dismiss it and click away.

    Anyways, when she told me she watched that and learned a little, I felt so appreciative and happy. It really meant the world to me; even if she didn't understand my feelings completely, she was trying to.

    If you have a bit of spare time, try and watch some kind of informative show or read an article. It will most likely help, especially if he is suffering.
     
    #2 Tai, Apr 18, 2015
  3. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    I mean I already know quite a bit about trans stuff from the Internet and books and stuff... I probably know more than my friend does lol. They are only 15 tho.. But yeah.. I just don't know what to tell them and stuff. I guess just.. Neither of us know where to begin. We don't have a starting point. I don't know how to explain it. Sorry.
    Like I was the first person they told even tho we had literally only been talking for a few days before they told me... But they said I seem trustworthy and that's why they told me.
    I want to do more than just throw links to youtube videos in their face tho. Idk how tho because Im cis... Ugh I just feel so lost and so do they and I just... Where can we start?
     
    #3 wontwalkblindly, Apr 19, 2015
  4. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Update: they messaged me back and that was what they were talking about.
    I asked them if they want me to start calling them a new name and they said "like idk"
    I said that that was okay and asked if there was anything specific I could do to help them figure things out or anything, and they said "I have no idea". So I think they are just really lost/confused and I don't know how to help them.
    I don't want to make them feel rushed or anything, but the original message of "I don't want to be (birth name) anymore" just makes it seem like they are really uncomfortable and need to transition or at least make some type of change. The only specific thing they've said is they want to change their name but we've talked about that and are both still kinda stuck.
    I suggested the book "I am J" to them and they are reading it rn but I don't think they've gotten very far yet.
    Ughhh, I feel really helpless and I don't want to overstep any boundaries or anything. Any suggestions/advice??
     
    #4 wontwalkblindly, Apr 19, 2015
  5. Queero

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    Okay, this would be my advice to cis friends, based on my personal experiences, how some people helped me, and some didn't. I don't know your friend, so I'm just putting what helped me, or what would have helped me.
    Don't push them, and don't go crazy with the trans resources, especially if your friend is acting unsure. I should say that it certainly depends on the individual, but I wasn't ready to hear much about other trans people at that point, but you should definitely feel that situation out. I'm not saying no resources, just not too many until you know that you're not overwhelming them. One I think would be good is the youtube channel TheRealAlexBertie, but you might want to start out with a less serious video, and they can move on to some of his other videos when they're ready.

    Listen, but don't just listen, talk to them, ask questions. I had a friend who was nice and supportive, but when I was first telling them about me not being a girl, they were just sitting there listening, but not saying anything other than the occasional nod or "yeah", and not really looking at me. And while that is certainly not the worst thing you can do, you can do better.

    Overall, don't be cracking jokes or anything, but just try your best to keep any further discussions relaxed, let them know that they're safe with you. And let them know that you'll still be their friend.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2015 at 03:02 PM ----------

    And I think you're already a pretty great friend for doing this.
     
    #5 Queero, Apr 19, 2015
  6. juliegt6

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    I really take a simple view on this. Be there and be a friend. They may make mistakes but being there and trying means the world. Of they care, they'll make mistakes but learn from them.

    My closest friend didn't know the first thing about lgbt issues, but she figured things out and listened. She may not have been lgbt knowledgeable at first but she's a smart, genuine person and wanted to learn.
     
    #6 juliegt6, Apr 19, 2015
  7. Ronin

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    Honestly, I think you're already doing pretty awesomely from the sounds of it. Really all I want is for people to call me him/new name or try to. Doesn't even bother me if they mess up, I can tell they are trying. I really appreciate that. And just being a friend. Just listening when they need to talk or vent. Those YT channels are awesome. I'm sure just that will help a lot. And if they decide later they don't ID that way, that people don't get upset with them. It's a very venerable time. So yeah, I think just keep doing what your doing!
     
    #7 Ronin, Apr 19, 2015
  8. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Thanks yall. I told them to let me know if they wanna talk about it more with me and that I am always there to listen.
    I just think it's important to keep lines of communication open.
     
    #8 wontwalkblindly, Apr 20, 2015
  9. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Ahhh so they messaged me today... "I can't be a girl anymore. I honestly can't do it." And I said "then you need to be a boy. Or whatever you feel. You need to be that."
    And we ended up just talking on the phone. It was really difficult. I had no idea what to say. But I tried my best. I basically asked them what they wanted to do.. Like what they wanted to change and stuff. They said they had no idea. I named off a few basic things and explained them as simply as I could... (Name and pronouns, testosterone, and top surgery.) they still said they didn't know. Which is fine.. But I'm like an action-plan person and so I don't know how to guide them if they don't know what they want to do. I guess maybe they just need to look into some stuff... What do you think...
    At the beginning of our phone call, they said they don't even know why they are thinking about the gender thing. That maybe it was just a phase. That one of their friends told them that.
    I told them that it totally could be... But that there were still things that they could do if they wanted that were not permanant at all... Like asking people to call them their new name and different pronouns... And then if it ends up being a phase that they could just tell people again and then the people could go back to calling them their old name and pronouns.
    They asked why would ("becoming" a guy) actually happen to them.. and I asked why not... They said.. Because they are 15... I said Chase was 15 when he figured it out, and now he has a beard.. So.. (We were kinda just joking around at that point bc that's our friendship.)
    While we were talking, their mom asked them what they were gonna wear for a band competition for school.. They had a suit from another thing that they said they would just wear.. But their mom said "you're a girl, you're supposed to wear a dress." And they told me that they were not going to do that. (They already dress in pretty much all guys clothes). Anyway, great timing mom, lol. ;p that made me kind of upset. It was like right out of a book... Ugh.

    I don't know how to help them... Any advice??
     
    #9 wontwalkblindly, Apr 21, 2015
  10. Queero

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    Wow. Continue supporting them as you are currently doing, and feel out the situation. You're doing great so far. :thumbsup:

    If they seem like they have any fear about their parents finding out or anything like that you need to let them know you'll keep them safe. That was an absolutely huge help to me, I had a friend that told me I would be safe with them, and if I ever needed to I could stay with them. I am not afraid of my parents kicking me out anymore, but it's still nice to stay over with that friend when I need to relax, and it gives me a chance to talk about things without worrying my parents or siblings will overhear. Or that I might not feel like that someday, I can just say whatever I want.

    I don't know your situation, but I'd go on like you are, really, good job so far. :eusa_clap

    Just keep feeling the situation out, I know it's hard, but be patient, I went through a long cycle of self-doubt and anger before I figured it out, and then it was only vague. After that there was denial, internal re-closeting, and self-hatred. This lasted for a little under a year. Don't push them, but let them know you're always there to talk, or otherwise support them.
     
    #10 Queero, Apr 21, 2015
  11. Ronin

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    Let your friend take their time. He'll work it out. He's 15 which is an age everyone is still figuring themselves out. And everyone works at different paces. Some go gung-ho with it and others take their time, maybe chew on it for a few months before doing anything.
    He could tell his mom that dresses make him feel really uncomfortable and that a suit would work much better. If needed, girls can wear suits.
     
    #11 Ronin, Apr 21, 2015
  12. Queero

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    If I were you, I'd ask if they'd like for you to call them by the name they've chosen, even if it's when it's just the two of you around.
     
    #12 Queero, Apr 21, 2015
  13. wontwalkblindly

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    I didnt even realize how stressed out I am about this.. But i was thinking about the struggles that we are going to have to go through together, (mostly them obvi since its their transition and stuff, but you know) today...and I started crying in the middle of Algebra class... so that was fun. But ugh, i just want life to be easy for them. They've been through a lot and i care about them a lot.. and all of their messages about their gender just sound so urgent... "I honestly cant do it [anymore.]", etc. .. it just freaks me out kinda. I want them to be happy.
    sorry for the rant.
     
    #13 wontwalkblindly, Apr 22, 2015
  14. Queero

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    (*hug*) hugs for you.

    There is a certain desperation in the early days of accepting yourself as trans. Shortly after you make the connection between what trans is and yourself, it's like "I HAVE TO GET OUT NOW!" At least for me.

    No, it's not an easy life. And there is pain ahead. But there is happiness too. It seems like it's going to be too much to bear to cross that threshold, to admit, to tell people, but in the end, you only suffer more if you don't than if you do.

    The best thing you can really do right now would to just love them, and go with them, help them through this as best as you can, just be there for them. You're doing good so far. :thumbsup:
     
    #14 Queero, Apr 22, 2015
  15. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Thank you so much. Reading your comments has helped/reassured me a lot.
     
    #15 wontwalkblindly, Apr 22, 2015
  16. Queero

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    I'm glad :slight_smile:

    It's really vital to a transperson to have supportive friends, even if it's just one.

    It's okay if you aren't perfect, but the fact that you're even trying to be helpful and supportive to them will change their life forever, and definitely not for the worse.

    Your friend is lucky to have someone like you in their life. Not everyone gets that, I was lucky enough to have a supportive friend, and I will be forever grateful.
     
    #16 Queero, Apr 22, 2015
  17. Niall Horan

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    All I can say is to support them and treat them like nothing is different between you two. (Just as it should be.)
     
    #17 Niall Horan, Apr 22, 2015
  18. Matto_Corvo

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    Just be supportive.
    My cis friend told me she was supportive but told me I had to realize that she wasn't trans so she might screw up and use the wrong pronouns once in a while, but the fact that she will try at all is amazing to me.
     
    #18 Matto_Corvo, Apr 22, 2015
  19. AfraidandAlone

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    my friend has been so far beyond supportive and has gone far beyond what i could have ever hoped for. just be there for him and probably the best thing you could do is make sure he knows nothing has changed between you two.
     
    #19 AfraidandAlone, Apr 23, 2015
  20. wontwalkblindly

    wontwalkblindly
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    Soooo today was a good day!
    After school I hung out with them and they came out to one of their friends with me kind of guiding them.. And she accepted them and stuff. They are learning all these new terms and everything and they were looking at comparision pictures and stuff. It makes me really happy because they are making progress.
    Their friend and they both think their mom would accept them if they told her but they say they don't want to. I don't want to push them but at the same time, it really seems like they really want to transition and because they are only 15, they have to get their parents to sign off on stuff so it's kind of needed unless they are willing to wait. But I dont know that that would be the best thing for their mental healthy which isn't the best to start with.
    We talked about unsafe binding and black market T a little bit.. (kinda.. Basically just me telling them not to do it. They said they thought about using ACE bandages even tho we have talked about not doing that before, and I yelled at them (not in a mean way tho, like in a caring way. U know?))
    They went to an suicide prevention event a few days ago in which they had to create a name tag.. They showed me one they they made and wrote their chosen name on it..but said that they got too scared to wear it. I told them to hang on to it for the future. They claimed to not understand why. I told them to just do it.
    Anyway it was a really good talk and now we have another person on our side..even tho it seemed like she kinda already knew...
    But yeah.. I am so proud of them and I told them that and I also gave them a link to a tag I have on tumblr with comparision pictures since they were talking about it.
    It was a good day and I am so proud of them.
     
    #20 wontwalkblindly, Apr 23, 2015
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