I just want to vent this, (long post) I have a really confusing day, my feelings are just totally mixed up and i feel like crying the whole time... I caught myself thinking this morning that life was so much easier when i still was in the closet. It's not that i don't like the person i am now but it's scary to be me at the moment. I'm so scared about how people see me and what they are thinking of me... I know i'm better off when i'm not closeted but a part of me wants to crawl back in to the shadows and hide, on the other hand i really don't want to feel like i felt the past years anymore. Then there is also the disphoria which got a lot worse ever since i came out, and the insecurity.. All these feelings make me having doubts about being who i am now.. I transitioned a little bit so far but now i'm not sure about how far i want to take this.. I had thoughts of fully transitioning from male to female but i know my body is way to masculine to ever pass so i guess it would make things way more complicated. At the moment i still look male with a feminine touch i guess. it's just so confusing and all.... What the heck am i, who am i.... I'm sure that the whole thing about me wanting to be girly/a girl is not a fase because this feeling started about 20 years ago and even when i tried to get over it it didn't went away. it only gets stronger every day.. anyway thanks for reading, feels nice to rant it somewhere.
