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I never thought "not passing" would be this bad

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DarkWolf, Apr 23, 2015.

  1. DarkWolf

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    I am mostly posting this just to vent, so sorry for the rant:

    Just when I thought I would be okay, I am not. I never really had that much social dysphoria, it was generally just physical though somehow that got triggered for me to but that will be explained shortly. So I am with these group of people, everything is wonderful, well at least okay. They know me by my preferred name which is pretty unisex so it could really go either way.

    I wasn't sure if I was going to pass or not. Generally I don't pass and I normally just feel like "eh" when I get referred to as a girl before I even speak until the realization hits me that my face looks too feminine. I've only really passed once and that was probably because the cashier thought I was twelve. I don't understand why I seem to have so much more trouble than other passing just based on my face, I've only really heard about people's voice giving them away. But maybe I can't even pass as a twelve year old that often because I'm 5'9". (See? It's not so bad being a short transman).

    But back to the story, I am wondering if it's my face or I wasn't trying hard enough with my voice that I just didn't pass at all with this group of people I was working with for a group project. Or was it my body even though I am thin enough that I'm not really curvy at all. I tried to not let me bother me because I kept getting referred to "she" and the worst of all that really started triggering my physical dysphoria was someone made some remark on everyone having female anatomy, something I really didn't need to be reminded of. Not to mention I hate when people make assumptions about what people have down below because how do you know.

    But long story short, I am just really frustrated and upset about the whole thing. I know every transmen says this but I'm so tired of being seen as a girl. And I feel like I'm trapped like this for the time being and I have begun to start worrying what if I never pass? What if even if I do transition I'll just look like a woman with a hormone imbalance? Is there any way I can pass? :bang:
     
  2. DarkWolf

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