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I never thought "not passing" would be this bad

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DarkWolf, Apr 23, 2015.

  1. DarkWolf

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    I am mostly posting this just to vent, so sorry for the rant:

    Just when I thought I would be okay, I am not. I never really had that much social dysphoria, it was generally just physical though somehow that got triggered for me to but that will be explained shortly. So I am with these group of people, everything is wonderful, well at least okay. They know me by my preferred name which is pretty unisex so it could really go either way.

    I wasn't sure if I was going to pass or not. Generally I don't pass and I normally just feel like "eh" when I get referred to as a girl before I even speak until the realization hits me that my face looks too feminine. I've only really passed once and that was probably because the cashier thought I was twelve. I don't understand why I seem to have so much more trouble than other passing just based on my face, I've only really heard about people's voice giving them away. But maybe I can't even pass as a twelve year old that often because I'm 5'9". (See? It's not so bad being a short transman).

    But back to the story, I am wondering if it's my face or I wasn't trying hard enough with my voice that I just didn't pass at all with this group of people I was working with for a group project. Or was it my body even though I am thin enough that I'm not really curvy at all. I tried to not let me bother me because I kept getting referred to "she" and the worst of all that really started triggering my physical dysphoria was someone made some remark on everyone having female anatomy, something I really didn't need to be reminded of. Not to mention I hate when people make assumptions about what people have down below because how do you know.

    But long story short, I am just really frustrated and upset about the whole thing. I know every transmen says this but I'm so tired of being seen as a girl. And I feel like I'm trapped like this for the time being and I have begun to start worrying what if I never pass? What if even if I do transition I'll just look like a woman with a hormone imbalance? Is there any way I can pass? :bang::tears:
     
  2. jay777

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    Look, this is just linear thinking.

    There are so many things that can change...
    you can change your hair and cothing style, you can change your mannerism and voice over time, etc...
    just give it some time and keep at it .

    Just remember many others have done it and eventually succeeded, too.



    You might think about getting a good gender therapist eventually to help you a bit along the way... not a gatekeeper but a supportive person...


    hugs
     
  3. Lazuri

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    I realize suggesting makeup to a transman isn't always a hit, but you can do wonders with conturing both to appear more female and to appear more male.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    As AFAB with a hormone imbalance (5'9 too by the way) that I have not once been mistaken as guy except once, and that was by an old cashier who only glanced at me but was mostly paying attention to my aunt who was paying for the things we had bought.
    I'm pretty sure that when you transition you will pass as a guy easily enough.
     
  5. kristen48

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    Don't be discouraged. I'm 5'8", a little tall for a girl, and a little short compared to guys. It's about attitude and who you say you are.
     
  6. Just Jess

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    Not passing sucks. It does. There's no BSing your way out of it, no "just be comfortable", "this is YOUR BODY and so it's a man's body"... the words, you know, I mean they hit you in the right mood, sometimes they work. Sometimes you hear the right turn of phrase and you're like "I never thought of it that way", but only for a little while.

    I guess I deal with it by just... I'm the kind of person where, if I drop a bunch of glasses and they shatter I'll take a bow, you know? If I ever tripped bringing food out for a guest and it ended up in their face, I'd ask "do you want fries with that". It's not enough always, but I just try not to take myself seriously. There is so much about being a human being that is just completely ridiculous. I can't always do it. But if someone is staring daggers at me, every now and then, I have it in my to wink at them. It gets guys to stop staring right off if I'm not passing :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: And I mean, if it ever fails to work? Gay guys are typically cool as hell, and the ones that aren't, I have learned how to deal with the ordinary girl problem of fending off guys that are a little over eager and persistent.

    So I'm not saying you have to be all "you wanna suck my cock or something" at someone that's making you uncomfortable. That bar is just too high. Don't try to clear it, you'll just feel bad when you don't. But you know, every now and then, you can turn the tables or play with the situation a little, and I have found that I can do it often enough that the worst dysphoria days, I can make a little better.

    For the rest? There's this fast food chain out here that makes these incredibly good green chile cheese fries that are just amazing. I give myself a treat. Do whatever I have to to take my mind off things.
     
  7. Lazuri

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    Your entire post reminded me of something the Doctor once said in Doctor Who. "Never knowingly be serious."
     
  8. Michael

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    Try to get HRT and you will pass.

    In the meantime, you can try what Jay suggested.

    Don't expect them to get it, or to get anything at all. They won't get it until they see it. That doesn't mean it's not there already, you know, but they need to see it.
    Don't let this make things more difficult. Just ignore them.
     
  9. Lawlett

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    If I had any advice, it would absolutely be to get HRT as soon as possible. T is some powerful stuff and it will do most of the work for you. Aside from this, if you want your body to look more masculine, try hitting the gym. I don't want to sound stereotypical or anything about working out, but I think it's especially crucial for transmen who want to pass as distinctly male.

    And you know the other stuff... clothes, hair, mannerisms, etc.

    Be confident and take it easy man. With enough time and hard work, you'll come around.

    -L-