My first post, and its a long one

I guess you need a few things first. I'm 16, in the 10th grade, and was born female...And I have just begun questioning my gender. I was trying to do a little research on it during lunch and found this site. I wasn't originally going to post anything but I've been going over this in my head the last few weeks and I suppose I need to get it out.

I have no idea what gender I am.

I mean, gender isn't something I really notice most of the time, I don't think anyone is actively sitting there and thinking about their gender every minute of the day. Most of the time I am simply me. I hope that makes sense. I mean I'm in class doing a test, or talking to my friends...I'm not going in my head 'i am girl.' or 'i am boy' I just feel like Nikki, ya know. I've never really cared if people saw me as male or female, unless my gender became an issue, like the boys in PE saying I can't be on their team cause I'm a girl. But mostly I think I get offended by that cause it sexist as hell. I've been called male and female pronouns before and it has never bothered me unless I took the effort to look girly.

I was a bit of a rough and tumble kid growing up, I guess the term is tomboy though I didn't really play sports. It wasn't something my grandmother allowed. "Young ladies do not play sports." Ya know, she was one of them peoples. I played with dolls, my first and best friend is female, I have a huge ass crush on Henry Cavill, I adore men's fashion and HATE dresses and skirts (though I do find them cute I just hate wearing them). But I'm pretty sure these things don't decide my gender. Hell, my gay friend likes to wear my shirts at times but he is 100% male. I don't wear boy's clothes even though I want to, I stick to jeans and tees and hoodies.

So as I said, most of the time I'm not aware of gender, so you're probably scratching your head and wondering why this long winded girl is chatting up in your forums. Because of these random things that happen. I could be sitting on the ground, back leaning against the wall, arms resting on my knees and chatting to some friends when I suddenly get hit by this sensation/thought that shuts me up. I don't know where it comes from or what brought it up but I am just ran over by this feeling of 'I am a boy.' And I say feeling because I don't know how else to explain it other than down to the core of who I am I feel Boy. And it just shakes me the hell up. I just sit there going, impossible I am girl, look at this body. I've had these feelings before since I was young, I remember when I mentioned it to my grandma when I was five she was like "It is a phase. You just a tomboy." I didn't know what tomboy was so I asked at daycare and they said it was a girl who acted like boy, which I translated into a girl who will become a boy. I was super excited, till my dad and mom told me otherwise and said I could only be a girl. These feelings happen more and more lately, and at random. Walking down the hall, playing hacky sack in the courtyard with my friends, or simply when I turn my head when someone says my name. It is just the feeling of "Boy". I know i'm not the most girl of girls. But I mean I did try wearing makeup and cute clothing once, I use to hang out with other girls because I was impressed on their knowledge of being girls and wondering if I could learn from them. I liked my legs shaved, and I only discovered how much I hated my hips after I started losing weight. I do hate my boobs, they are large and I think boys pay more attention to them to me, and it gets in the way of me hanging out as one of the guys.

I'm also a bit of writer and I tend to draw my inspiration for describing my characters from models and actors. I would go online and look at their pictures, and recently I discovered that I tend to compare my face and body to male models and actors. I don't know why that disturbs me so much. I just find myself going "I wish I had his face" "I wish I had this thighs." "I wish my flat could be that flat but muscled like that." And then I kind of give myself a mental shake and remind myself I am girl. And its not like I ever minded be a girl, can't say I enjoy 100%, but sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to be a guy. That is normal, right? Everyone things about being the opposite sex sometimes, right? I mean don't we all close our eyes and just imagine that the body we're in his male?

I know about the non-binary genders, and gender fluid, there are a few people like that at my school who I talk to. I guess I could be one of those. They tell me to experiment with clothing. And I got excited when I bought my first pair of boy's clothing and tried them on the dressing room at the store, they looked awesome. But since then I've realized how much I dislike women's clothing even if it is just jeans. And when our pics were taken the other day I couldn't help but notice how my hips were to wide and my boobs to big. I feel like I started down this path and I'm terrified of where it might take me.