well for the last couple of weeks i was actually happy for the first time in my life. now how ever my depression has come back full force. last night i ended up laying in bed and just crying for hours. i find my self wishing i could have been born right weather i had the right body or identity to go with my body. even though im 28 i still live at home and dont feel i can come out to my parents while living with them but i have no prospects of being able to move out any time soon and well it is awkward enough as it is i dont want to make it worse or risk getting kicked out. i feel as if i am going to be alone for the rest of my life and no matter how much i try there is nothing i can say to my self tp convince me other wise. all i end up thinking is who would want some one so stupid and messed up that they cant even get their gender right. as bad as it is i cant help but feel i would be better off dead. i really wish i had never been born or that i had just gone with my dad the weekend he killed him self then well he would have taken care of the problem that is life. :bang::tears:
That is really horrible (*hug*) You have dealt with so very much. I'm really glad you're still here. I can say that you reminded me why I've been working so hard. You don't deserve to be in the position you are in at all. Sometimes I forget just how bad it was being in the closet and all the crap life throws at you, and how important it is to help all those people that are still stuck inside. I really hope you are where I am some day and will always do anything I can to help get you here. So it's a bit of a catch 22 you're in, you know that, but focusing on that won't do a lot of good. Let's look at the advantages you do have instead. You have some relative stability first. Meaning, that if you felt like you were able to (we can get to that in a sec), you could spend some time interviewing for jobs as yourself. You also have a supportive friend. And you live in Brittish Columbia. Let's figure out together how to make this work? I think the goal should be getting you a job as yourself - a woman - and getting you out of your parent's house. I know that sounds impossible, but I know for a fact it isn't. It is hard. All the best plans I can think of would take at least a year to pull off. But you can get there. So let's start small, is your friend someone you can be dressed as yourself around? And maybe comfortable taking you somewhere safe where you can be yourself around other people?
i have a job but at the moment it is only part time. i could get another job but then i would end up only getting about 15hrs a week instead of 29-37. hopefully my job will turn in to a full time job possibly with in the next 6-18 months (another reason i dont want to restrict my self is because it is all senority based and i want to get as many hrs as i can) after that it will just be a matter of time until i start to get decent money. even after i start getting some raises (nearly there...) it will be a bit better and hopefully i will be able to get out of debt. i know money wont solve all my problems but will help with some. hell i dont even mind my job even though it is in retail. another thing that has been bothering me is i have a co worker who i know is very accepting and is really nice. only problem is we dont talk out side of work and well i have never been comfortable around people and i have a very hard time making new friends and i dont want to freak her out and make things awkward at work. i wish i wasnt so unsure about every thing all the time. as far as ever coming out i would never do that where i live... small highly un-accepting very red neck. my biggest problem though is i have to stop trying to focus on every thing at once...
i even feel better just posting and sharing that. i guess i just needed to vent. nothing about my life has ever been easy so why should this be different.
Believe me I know that feeling. Really glad you're feeling better I can tell reading what you have here you'll definitely get through this.
hope you feel better, as well. from my experience, "normal" is highly overrated and nobody has ever come up with a definitive definition as to just what exactly "normal" is.
