Okay, this has been bugging me for so long. I've been questioning for the longest time, it started quite subconsciously when I was around six years old. However I was a very private child and liked femme things and had 'crushes' on boys so my parents didn't suspect a thing and continue to think I'm just confused because of that. I guess back then I just believed that's how girls should be and all the princesses in the tv shows always were seeking a prince. However now, looking back there are pointers that I was sightly rejecting being a girl, though admittedly this could also be how I interpreted being girly as weak (from teasing and stuff). I am often a boy in my dreams and when my chest filled out I hated it. I always wanted a smaller chest. I managed to work them down 3 whole sizes but I'm still not entirely happy. I've started using masculine pronouns and the name Levi with my friends but I'm still not happy. I don't feel connected to any pronouns I've used or the names I use, even my birth one. Though I don't mind being called them. I don't like discussing my gender identity or orientation with my parents. It becomes and endless cycle of 'yes' and 'no' and 'you just need to get out more and meet more people, you don't have a life yet'. I've heard so many stories from trans people saying 'oh i discovered this term and i felt so happy'. I've never felt that. The one thing I'm most certain on is that I don't think I'm cisgender. Also that I experience depersonalisation and this could be what causes some of the confusion. Sorry this was super long.
I've tried a lot of different terms and have been waiting for that feeling of 'coming home' but I've never felt it. It's hard not to get frustrated at myself for it. I just want to know what I am so I can work towards feeling comfortable. I'm in a constant state of 'sort of...? ehhh...?'. I think I'm almost definitely agender but I'm still uncomfortable saying it. I really just want to belong to a gender.
my goodness, reading this was like looking at a mirror, haha (though I was AMAB). For quite a while I was searching for a term that would describe myself and I just kept feeling worse and worse that I couldnt find one. Eventually I took a day or two to really think about the problem and think about who I am and came to the conclusion that I didn't need a term other than "I am Me." The thing about finding out who you are (in this case specifically what gender you are) is that it's not about going from one box to another, it's about breaking out of boxes and allowing yourself to be yourself. For me that meant I didnt want to be male. beyond that I didnt feel strongly one way or the other. I hope this helps (and sorry if its a bit jumbled) If you have any other questions feel free to ask. P.S. There is a term for depersonalization?! my god that would have saved some time trying to explain things to people, haha.
EXACTLY. I say that all the time 'I am Me'. That literally the only thing I feel certain and stable stating about my gender or orientation I like it a lot better than any term. I hate having to explain and do the whole coming out thing though I've done that other already since I've been through so many labels trying to find one that suits me. Sometimes I guess I just feel left out, not being certain about things though. Other times I can't care less. Yes! It's a temporary state like depression or anxiety. So it can go away. There is also derealism that you may want to look up also. I've heard it's best to entertain the questions and thoughts until you get bored of them. The uncertainty about things still hasn't gone away for me but I'm not overthinking or terribly scared anymore. UPDATE: Aha, I have changed my gender on my infomation to 'I am me' now, thank you.
Well I'm so glad I could help out . The other thing I hate about labels is that people change all the time and the more specific the label, the more likely it is to loose its validity. But in my oppinion the feeling of being left out or uncertain are some of the most powerful depressants and those who find they may not be the gender they were assigned are still in the minority in this world. Anyways, I did look up derealism as well and to be honest I cant say I know which one applies for me and how much, but whatever, I would have to explain the feeling to anyone I use the word with anyways, haha. Lastly, earlier today I put "Human" as my gender but that feels so disconnected so I think I will copy you if you dont mind.
Yeah, though some are really helpful. My orientation is also something I struggled with. I'm pretty sure I'm ace but romantic orientation was a concept I have always failed to grasp. I was super confused until I stumbled across the term quiromantic. Which basically means someone who can't really tell romantic and friendly feelings apart. I told myself a lot that labels didn't matter and that I shouldn't care but I felt confused and like I was weird. It's kind of annoying because I love the thought of falling for someone and being all romantic but I haven't felt that way. I mean maybe someday, but I think what I want is basically a best friend that I can call my significant other. I don't care too much about gender. Being genderless with dysphoria is the weirdest thing though. Often I want to be able to shapeshift and see what it's like to be in other bodies and stuff, or I want to change how people perceive me and see if I feel more comfortable with different things. I used to think I wanted people to perceive me as a guy. Though now I think I wanted them to see me as things I was taught to associate with guys. Strong, study, stable and capable. My own person. I severely disliked people telling me that I needed to do certain things to keep other people happy. Partly why I want a flat chest actually, I would be incredibly restricted in what type of tops I could wear because my mom or sister would tell me it exaggerated my chest too much and that I should change, and then they'd tease me about how large my chest was. Sorry, tmi, just still annoyed about that. Anyways that was a long message, I'm sorry. I talk a lot. (Aha yes It's okay. You used the term in the first place.)
Yeah, Labels are certainly helpful for explanations but I never feel they can really capture what a person feels. (on a side note, a cool youtube channel is "the dictionary of obscure sorrows." they come up with a word for some really deep feeling) For me attraction to others is an interesting thing. I had a girlfriend I really loved in high school and experiencing love let me understand what it felt like. because of that I have explicitly stopped trying to understand it. if it comes about then so be it and ill embrace it but its not something that i need to or should search out. Yeah, shapeshifting would be lovely wouldn't it, haha. I was AMAB so I cant really empathize with the clothing problems quite the same way but with me not much is tmi on here. This is a place to talk about pretty much anything. Also, Im okay with plenty of reading.
Thank you! I'll check it out. Yeah, I understand I just have to wait and stuff. It's just difficult I guess. Like mentally I understand waiting is better, and rushing into things when I'm uncertain and winds up with me getting hurt. Emotionally, I just want someone who really gets me to be there for me when I need it I think. Probably because I've lived most of my life trying to please others and make them happy at my own expense, I guess I just want someone who wants to do that for me as well. (Not that I want them to serve me or anything, I wouldn't allow that. Just someone who looks out for me y'know? I'm trying to explain this clearly) Of course I have my best friend that does that (she regularly makes sure I'm okay and not falling behind with work, etc.). Though she's constantly busy with school and I'm stuck at home pretty much (I dropped out of university, now I'm doing home-study, though I'm getting a job soon). So it's difficult to make any plans. Oh well, someday I guess. I want to eventually own a house I can share with my friends or something, because that would be awesome. Clothing now isn't really an issue for me, which I'm thankful for. I worked my chest done 3 sizes and I'm much happier. Though my mom won't let me get a binder. She works for a plastic surgeon and interacts with doctors on the daily and she says that they say binders put me at a much higher risk of breast cancer. My parents keeps saying this is just a phase and that I'm most definitely a girl because of how I was as a kid, and how I'm such a 'loving and nurturing person'. They believe girls are biologically wired that way or something. Which wouldn't make sense even if it where true, because yes, I'm a girl in the sense I have the body of one. Biologically I'm female. My gender identity doesn't have an effect on me biologically in that way. I just don't want to be automatically put in boxes because of how I appear or act.
The more I learn about you the more it's like reading a description of my mental landscape, haha. To start with, I completely and utterly understand the massive desire to find someone who just gets you. I feel exactly the same and would give anything to find that person (and as great as best friends are, they don't quite cut it) And there are definitely days whet that really gets to me and I become dysfunctional for a few hours at least, if not a few days. I know it's a bit cliche to say this but there are so many people in this world that I'm sure eventually you will find someone. It will take time and at times it will hurt, a lot, but if you can get through all that then I think you will find it was worth it...... well I can say as much cheesy stuff as I want but that won't make it suck any less will it. So I suppose I'll end this section with I am truly sorry you have to feel this great pain. I'm glad the clothing situation is a bit better but, oddly enough, I haven't had to do much research into binders. However, from what I have seen, binding can increase chances but generally it won't if you do it right and use a high quality binder. For wrote me on it as I know very little on it but based on how many guys do have to bind, I'm sure there's a way to do it right. You might want to post a question about it on EC. Unfortunately, society is conditioned into automatically putting people in boxes, especially in the western world where equality means lack of individuality. Thanks to this others will always put you in boxes and there is nothing we can do to change the way that many people think (at least not quickly). But what matters is what boxes you put yourself in because that, you can change. Don't let others keep you from being yourself. I don't know if this will help but for eighteen years of my life I was a very kind, compassionate, and loving male and all I got was returned love. No one telling me "you are a man, you need to be tough and mean.. rawr, rawr, rawr" just to show that a nice person is a nice person regardless of gender. Sure women are more commonly like that but that is not even slightly exclusive to them. I really hope I'm helping and not harming because I could see myself feeling far too long on some of these things I'm bringing up and I hope you know I want nothing but the best for you. I know a lot of what I've written is easier said than done but keep trying and be kind and I think things will turn out well Oh, one last little piece of advice. Meet new people. just a month ago, I asked my best friend to introduce me to some of his other friends and meeting new people has done so much in a short time for me.
Okay phew, I was worried that I might get looked down on for wanting to find someone. Mainly because when I think of people wanting to be in relationships, the childish and immature side of me argues that I should be content with right now and be enough to provide happiness for myself. I mean I am content to wait for that, but I wish I wasn't stuck at home. I'm sixteen so I can't drive yet and I am not within walking distance within any of my friends. I mean, I might be able to either get into college or get a job soon so fingers crossed but... I guess I struggle from a lot of self-doubt even though it clashes with what I tell myself and some aspects of my personality. I'm ambitious and self-motivated, but I'm losing faith in myself I guess. It's starting to feel like I'm not going to get anywhere though I know it's utter bullshit to think like that especially since I'm only sixteen. I mean I was working on a bachelors of science degree at 14 years old. I can get through this surely and still make something of my life. That sounds amazing and it's good you were allowed to be that way. That's a gift and don't change that you're a kind and loving person. Nobody told me I had to be more girly, apart from being told I had to dress up for church as a child up to a year ago. I was constantly berated for being too sensitive though, mainly by my siblings. They both have aspergers syndrome (as does my father) and so lack empathy so they don't fully understand my feelings when I get upset or annoyed. It's kind of rare for them to show concern even when I start crying. This could be just because they don't know how to handle it though. It just hurts when I'm crying and my mom is helping me get past things and then my brother comes in the starts rambling about a game he's playing. I mean, I'm easily put-out or upset, I admit that, though it's only when someone else has actually hurt me. Even then I'll explain what hurt me and why it did though this doesn't work, which leaves me frustrated because the answer to me and the other person not hurting each other's feelings is right in reach but they aren't making the effort to help it. Instead they brush it off as me being too sensitive and then tell me I'll deal with worse in the real world and that I should get used to it. I'll get stronger, but I can't get stronger without support. If there are people in my life to support me, then I won't care about what people say to bring me down. My sister's moved out and my brother's at school so they aren't around too much for us to get into those situations anymore however. It's good. I've started attending my old drama group again after a 3 month break while my teacher was in recovery. It's nice having a set thing to go to every week or so. I felt better for it. It's helped me realize how much I've improved in such a short while. I'm a lot less afraid. It's a bit difficult for me to meet new people though I shall do my best where I can.
It's seems you might have a slight misunderstanding on what agender is. Agender simply means "without gender." Agender itself isn't a gender, it's the lack thereof. Basically, people who say they're agender are saying that they themselves don't have a gender, they usually just say they're themselves. If I had the whole spectrum of gender identity on the screen, and I tried to point out where this identity was, then you wouldn't find it because agender would not be anywhere on the scale given that it's an absence of identity. If you feel like gender is irrelevant to who you are, then you should probably look more into the absence of gender, or agender. For me, when people ask me what my gender is, I usually just say "none" because it's essentially saying the same thing as "agender," and it's easier to understand. I hope this helps!
I understand about that, it's just confusing for me because I have a hard time sorting out how I feel. I understand agender is a lack of gender, but it's still classified as a gender identity, right? I don't know completely where I fit. One side of me doesn't want to care about gender, but on the other hand I do and I want to fit in a category somehow I guess. It could be because I am still being seen as a girl and I don't know how I would go about changing people's perceptions of me. Like, social dysphoria. I think also a lot of the confusion comes from me being on my own a lot and not having people around me to sort these things out much. I want to fit into some sort of gender I guess because in my view it'd be easier expressing myself on the outside then. I'm sorry I didn't explain it clearer, everything is still extremely confusing to me and I wrote most of these posts late at night.
can I borrow the am me gender? ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2015 at 10:16 AM ---------- I understood you 100% I don't want to care about gender and just say ":***: you" to society and just be me, but on the other hand I want to fit into some gender. As humans we like to fit in and know where we stand in the world compared to others. I too am still being seen as a girl, mostly by those that have known me my whole life. But I dressed in boy's clothes yesterday and styled my hair in a boy fashion, and even one of my aunt's didn't recognize me from a distance. I then became the center of their jokes and as well they are now convinced that I am a lesbian. Its actually kind of hurtful, but I have decided that I will keep on doing what I am doing..because for the first time in a long while I like how I look, if I happen to look like a boy than so be it. and as for what agender means: Agender is often described as feeling/being ~genderless, lack of gender ~gender neutral (usually in the sense of not identifying as a man &/or a woman, but still having a gender) ~sometimes often overlapping with neutrois ~having an unknown / undefinable gender /not aligning with any gender ~no words that currently fit what you identify as ~not knowing &/or caring (possibly not knowing or caring about what your gender is &/or how you label it, if you decide to at all) ~identifying more as a person than any gender at all
Well, to differentiate, there's a difference between your gender identity and your gender presentation. Basically, the difference between the two is that gender identity is how you feel on the inside about it, while gender presentation is how you look/act in front of other people. How you present yourself to other people has nothing to do with how you feel about your gender, so what you probably want to do is identify your feelings about your gender first, so if we're talking about gender, then we shouldn't pay attention to your presentation because that's a different thing from gender altogether. Now, with that in mind, if you ignore the situation of how you look/act, how do you think you feel about your gender identity? Are you still unsure? If so, let me know, and I can help you out further.
Sure you can use the 'I am Me' thing, @CadutiMorte! Also thank you for those definitions, they were very helpful! I definitely identify with the fourth, sixth and last one. @Drednaught: Yeah, there's a difference between the two, but I want my gender presentation to match my gender identity. Or just feel just to feel comfortable for once. My gender expression does flux sometimes where i do feel happy confident presenting myself in gendered clothes though. Though if I ignore that, I don't relate to the concept of gender. I get it, and I want it to apply to me but it doesn't. Though also when I say I have no gender I feel guilty almost? Maybe it's because I want to have a gender? I don't know. I just want to feel comfortable and not care.
Why do you fell guilty because of not having a gender, people were never ment to fit in boxes so i dont why we try i guess its to fit in but still fiting often means killing who you are and thats never okay, just be who you are honey and take it from another agender person "fuck what people say or what they may think of you and just be who you want"
I don't know why I feel guilty, but it's a feeling I can't shake on my own like this. I think things could get better once I have a more structured lifestyle and get out and hang around other people more. Talking with you lovely people has helped quite a bit. Maybe I feel guilty/left out because so many things are gendered and there's too many stereotypes and gender roles. Guilty and left out because my parents don't understand what it's like for me and are very dismissive of how I feel about these type of things. Even when I told mom that I think I suffer from depersonalization, she waved it off and said it wasn't that and again told me it's just a case of my life not feeling like it has a purpose right now. It makes me doubt myself a lot and whether or not I actually feel a certain way. Thank you, you fantastic little eggs, for helping me and listening. It's helping a lot with clearing my head. I think I might be falling into one of my obsessive cleaning phases and this has been helping me avoid getting panicky.
Oh my goodness, im so sorry I disappeared like that. Iv'e just been really busy or exhausted these past few days, though it looks like you found some good people to talk to . I might not have a whole lot more insight to give but I would like to thank you. talking with a kindred spirit for the first time made me realize a lot about myself. Anyways, I dont really have any specific advice but I would like to say (partially in regards to your mother saying "no you aren't this way or that") that you are the only person who knows how and what you truly feel and understanding that and accepting it, allowing you to be yourself is something that for many people takes their entire lives or longer. going through this as young as you are is very rough (and it sounds like you have household that doesn't exactly make it any easier) but many curses are really a blessing in disguise. I wish no one had to experience depersonalization, it is such a lonely and alienating feeling but I feel it also gives people an amazing ability to look at the world and grasp it in a way that has so much beauty and intelligence and this world is definitely in need of thinkers who can think in such a way. rereading that, all i can think is god i'm cheesy, haha. But if you ever have anything more you have a yearning to talk about I'll be here .
Sadly, it's really hard to feel completely comfortable in society once you realize how many things are unnecessarily gendered and how strongly people hold onto them. Even when you identify with a certain gender there are still so many things that are viewed as being bad or looked down upon for that gender. Look at it this way: you'll never fully fit into one of the accepted gender boxes of male or female. Not many people do. If you're comfortable in your body then celebrate that; if you're uncomfortable then try thinking about whether you'd be willing to change anything about it. It may be a long process but being comfortable in your own skin is very important. It's natural to want to fit into some sort of group and to have a strong, tangible identity. You might never have a complete sense of feeling totally at ease and a part of something but you're bound to encounter groups you can relate to and find solace in. Just don't be too harsh with yourself. You're only human and this is the one life you've got. {Sidenote: When I feel like I've been thinking too much (which I do often) I take a "mind break" in which I purposely either try not to think about anything or think about something very trivial that's easy for me to get lost in. Ex: video games, a movie I've never seen, listening to music, board games, just walking outside and taking a stroll, etc}
