1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Having a depressing morning and need to get stuff off my chest

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matto_Corvo, Apr 27, 2015.

  1. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I spent most of yesterday and last night just thinking about what it would be like to look and pass as male. Just thinking about it makes me internally giddy and excited, my heart screaming "This is the man you are mean to be."
    But then I start to think that about what if I transition and still don't feel like a guy. It is confusing and hard to explain. I do not feel like a female. I feel femme at times, but not female (please tell me that makes sense). I feel like my masculine days have been increasing since I've admitted to being trans. I am sure that I was meant to be a male, but I was born and raised female so can I really consider myself a male?
    I tried to ignore this thinking and went with my gut and heart and what felt right.
    Then I started working out today. Just push-up, sit-ups, and some light walking since I can't make to a gym. The ache in my muscles felt so good. It felt like I was working to that manly body image I wanted. Then I decided to look up workout routines on youtube, and I noticed this one girl looked real fit and had slim hips. I started worrying about what if I got fit, muscles and slimmed down, and started liking myself as a woman. That seems like it would be ideal right? It didn't seem so for me...At the thought of remaining a woman I felt my depression surging up like it hadn't in a long time. I don't know if it was dysphoria or not.

    I want to go out and buy clothes and see if I can pass as male. I know me and mom were talking about a breast reduction, and I want to do that so that I can actually pass in a binder. I want to allow myself to experiment. But when I try to talk to my mom about what I want to do I freeze and find myself unable to talk. "Can you call me He and Alex?" How crazy would that sound? I told her I was genderfluid but I don't know what I am, I'm trying not to focus on labels.

    I don't even know why I am so depressed at the moment. I feel like I am just sitting here and getting no where.
     
  2. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Hi. (*hug*) Well, it seems like you have a supportive mom, and that's a good thing. :slight_smile:
    It does not sound crazy at all that you'd like to be called 'he and Alex', if that's what you want.
    You identify as a demiboy. Are you absolutely sure? If you aren't, sit back, try to relax, and think a bit. Would you like to socially be seen as a guy? Would you like to perhaps start taking T or in any way start transitioning physically into male?
    If you are sure, I suggest try your best to talk to your mom or whomever about it. It's scary, I know, but I'll cheer you on! (*hug*)
    And it totally makes sense to feel femme but not female, I though that as well. Being trigender, I never feel entirely like a girl, a guy, or third gen, I just shift in what 'concentrations' I feel.
     
  3. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Currently I'm trying not to focus to much on labels because I am never sure.
    I want her to call me he and Alex to test it out. Socially I've never had much dysphoria. People see me as a she so that is what they call me. For years I said I was she because I didn't know I could be anything else.
    These day when I look in the mirror (an actual mirror, not a figurative one) I see this lil boy who I want nothing more than to make into a man. My mind, heart, and body are at odds. In my heart I have always wanted to be male, I know that now. But while being raised lengths were taken to make me feel ashamed of the male parts of my personality. The mind is a wonderful thing, it does what it has to to keep you alive. I feel into such a depression that I did think about killing myself, though I never acted on it. Didn't even cut myself. I can't even be sure why I was depressed other than that I hated myself. It is my belief that the boy I was meant to be, and the girl I was raised to be and trying to be were at odds, when things got to their worse I feel into a genderless state of being.
    Since I've started questioning my gender I've can feel the female part of me fading fast. I can't even imagine going back to being that. I never knew how unhappy I was till now. That leaves me with the boy and genderless. I want to be male more than anything, the thought of not being so depresses me. But I can't shake the feeling that there is some part of me that has no gender at all. I think that is the mental part because physically I would love to be male. I see myself as male more and more, and the person in the mirror isn't the person I want to see.
    So I say demi boy because I am not sure.
    I want to experiment with pronouns and see how I take to it. I think there will have to be an adjustment period, I have been called female my whole life after all. In my head I already call myself by male pronouns, though I do catch myself using female ones.
    Sorry for the length BTW. Not sure what all this means to be honest. What I am certain of is that at some point in my life I will transition.
     
  4. Outlier

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2015
    Messages:
    136
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    I think you just answered all your own questions. It's okay to keep questioning and to take it as slowly as you need to. There is no need to rush or grab a label you're not ready for, but I think you already know where you are headed. You know... you just seem afraid to embrace it. That's okay. It's a huge deal and a big change... it can be scary. So keep thinking and keep finding yourself and when you're ready do what you know you want and need to do. No matter what, don't let fear hold you back too long. Talk to your mom. You are so incredibly lucky to have a supportive mom like her. If you really just can't, go to a therapist.
     
  5. BluhImCourtney

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2015
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Yoik
    I know like everyone said the same thing already, but I feel like I should say something since you helped in an earlier thread. ;p

    Usually to get past those feelings of, "I was born ___ so I must be ___," I usually think something like, "Well, if someone was born from a dictator, it doesn't mean THEY have to be a dictator."

    Also, "femme" or "femininity" is gender expression, not gender. So even if you feel "femme" sometimes, doesn't mean you can't identify as male or something other than female.

    But I'd say if you're comfortable being/identifying as male, go ahead and be/identify as male. :grin:

    EDIT: I have to note that the dictator thing helps for thinking I can't identify as female because I was designated/raised male, but it doesn't really do much for the body dysphoria. ^-^"
     
    #5 BluhImCourtney, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2015
  6. Lazuri

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    2,710
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Y'know, some kinds of exercise increases testosterone a fair bit and some people swear on exercise's positive effect on depression. Maybe you can make this work for you.
     
  7. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I do feel better after exercising, but after it wears off I go back to the gray state of being. Been taking the chance to exercise every chance I get but I don't think to exercise every minute of the day would be considered all together healthy. But thanks for the advice.

    Does anyone have an exercising advice, as in a routine I can follow? Just remember I can't go to a gym, so I'm limited to what I can do at home and walking up and down my street. (can't see myself running, wished I own a bike >__<)

    Outlier, I know I know the answer and I am afraid to embrace. I just keep thinking, "What if I do this and it turns out I'm wrong."
    I know that when I meet new people and talk to them a bit I will tell them that I am trans (if I do transition) because I am pretty much a straight forward person and want that out of the way. I still have a lot to figure out but I know I'll get there eventually. Just have to take my time

    thanks for the replies everyone
     
  8. Tai

    Tai
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    867
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I understand the "femme but not female" thing. I consider myself a fairly feminine boy myself.

    I can say that exercising has helped me immensely. I have to because I'm on a team, but I know that if I didn't, I'd be much more dysphoric. My hips are fairly slim, I have broad shoulders (although I think I had them to begin with), strong muscley legs, etc. I'm actually afraid of the opposite of you: if I stopped exercising, would the decrease in my testosterone levels (which are very high for a female-bodied person) make my feelings start to go away? I don't even know if that's scientifically possible, but it's an irrational fear I have. My feelings that I have are real and authentic, and even if they sometimes suck, I don't want them to be replaced.

    As for a makeshift exercise routine, running really is one of the most efficient ways; take it from me. However, if you are unable to do so at this time, walking is a good start. You could also do some core workouts that don't require anything but you and a space on the floor to workout on. I'll give you one my friend and I do...
    30 crunches
    15 push-ups
    30 pedal pushers
    15 leg lifts
    40 sec leg lift hold
    You can try this, although I would lower the amount of reps because you're new to it. And then increase them as you start to get better and they get easier.

    I'll warn you that if you choose to do it, you'll most likely be very sore afterwards. Completely normal, just make sure nothing's hurting (there is a difference).

    And also, if you choose to do a core workout, I'd suggest walking briskly up and down your street until your muscles feel warmed up and stretching a bit before the core stuff so that you're not going into it cold and stiff.
     
  9. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks!

    I have rheumatoid arthritis, it hasn't flared up in a while, but if I start light it should be fine. The doc said exercise would be good for it anyway.

    And Now I am having a little internal freak out because I remember the time where i lost weight and wore makeup and thought i looked pretty damn good. I forgot about those moments in till I was looking at past facebook photos. I remember thinking about how now that I lost weight and could pull off make up maybe I could finally start wearing more girly clothes and attractive enough for boys to like me. That time didn't last long of course. I mean for a while I felt like I was finally pulling off girl, and then I had that moment where I dressed as boy, looked like boy, and felt like boy and felt right. Now I'm all confused.
     
    #9 Matto_Corvo, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2015